The Diary Of Nathalie McGonagall
by Drunkonmusic Gal
Summary: After losing everything she worked for, she goes back to Hogwarts hoping to start back from scratch, but people she thought were long gone come back. She rekindles lost love, hope comes back and she realizes...not everything is lost after all.
1. After All I've Been Through

Third of November.

Dear Diary,

I'm only writing this because Mother said it would make me feel better. With all I've been through it would be a miracle! I, Nathalie McGonagall, will never get over these past days. I've lost everything I have worked for since my first year of school at Hogwarts. Friendships, love and hope all went away at the blink of an eye. Before I go pouring my soul out on these pages, I wanted to say that...all I wanted, since I was little girl of three, was happiness and just being loved. All I had was marvellous indeed, but what did I do to deserve this?

From my first day at Hogwarts as a student, I met people who meant something to me and to whom I thought I meant something. My best friend, Lily Evans, was probably the only one who really cared for me. She stuck with me until...her end. We were inseparable! She supported me through every little obstacle, decision and choice I had to make. She actually wanted me to go out with Sirius Black! Sirius...oh how I miss you! I can't believe I am still in love with you after all of this. He was my one and only love that I will never let go of...even in the darkest of times. I fell for him the moment I laid eyes on him. He loved me- hopefully- with the same passion that I loved him with. Or so I thought, because if he did would he have betrayed me like he had?

We loved each other with great ardour. We were the perfect couple according to Lily and James, our best friends. We could never spend even a minute away from each other! After leaving school, I moved in with him; we were both applying for jobs as Aurors and we just wanted to be together. It went up to the point where he asked me to marry him! I said "yes", of course, but we never did because of his choices in life.

Sirius was never the type of guy to really think about consequences. He never would have thought that if he were friends with James Potter that he would become as arrogant as him. Never thought that by not respecting what his parents put as rules in front of him, that his family would disown him. Never thought by betraying all of us, to join a darker, evil side full of racism, that he would bring death to his best friends and make the "one" he supposedly loves upset for the rest of her life. No, Sirius never thought of that at all

In this world of wizards, two clans fight to control our world. The "good guys" or The Order of the Phoenix believe in all that is good, of course, but those wizards don't all have to be pure blood. By pureblood I mean having both wizard parents. Unfortunately, not all wizards think the same way. Some wizards (mostly pureblood) called Death Eaters think that half-bloods and Muggle-born wizards aren't worth being alive. The evil guys, who think those wizards should be eliminated. That is why we call them the Dark Side, led by non other than the Dark Lord V...You-Know-Who. I am on the good guys' side; so were Lily and her husband, James Potter. We thought Sirius was on our side too, until that fateful night that brought the Potters to their death.

Halloween night was the fateful night. The Potters were in hiding from the Dark Lord, knowing they were the next in line to be killed. They had used the Fidelius charm, which allows only the secretkeeper to know where you are hiding only the secretkeeper knows where you are hiding. Their secret keeper was Sirius. We all thought he would keep their location a secret; James trusted him with his family's life. That night, Sirius left the house on "business" and told me he would be back. I waited and waited, all night, until I turned on the wirelesses to hear the news. The Potters were dead, betrayed by Sirius. Not only were they dead, but one of James' friends, Peter, was found dead, trying to duel Sirius after he heard that he had betrayed Lily and James. I had a shock right through the bones. Sirius had betrayed not only them, but me too. He was sentenced to a lifetime in prison. But the good thing was that the Dark Lord fell. The son of the Potters, Sirius' and my godchild, Harry, had for some reason survived. By that, he made the Dark Lord fall.

It has been three days since that incident. I have moved back in with Mother, sold the house I lived in with Sirius, took all my belongings and went away from those memories. I even quit the Auror business right before my exams. It just reminded me of Sirius too much. I went back home to cry my soul out on Mother. From her I heard that Harry was not going to be my responsibility, even if he was my godchild. He was sent to his aunt and uncle. I did everything I could to incite Dumbledore to make me raise him, but nothing would change his mind. Now, I have no job, no life and not even a hobby. What is going to happen to me now?

Fourth of November

Dear Diary,

Mother came up to me and said I had to get on with my life. How can I when I have nothing left? She says Dumbledore has an opening for a job at Hogwarts for me. I just mumbled and put my head back under my bed sheets. I know she is trying so hard to get me to cheer up, and I thank her, but nothing will ever make me happy. She has been coming in and out of Hogwarts to visit me and to see if I haven't committed suicide. She is forcing me to take Dumbledore's offer, because I might never have a chance to get a job again. He wants me to teach Astronomy. That was one of my many classes I did well in school along with Defence Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration (which is what Mother teaches), Charms and Quidditch. Yes, it may be a sport but I think of it as a class. I was Beater on the Gryffindor team. Very proud memories indeed. So I'm leaving for Hogwarts since Mother said so. Hopefully she is right...it will be a change of setting...

Fifth of November

Dear Diary,

We Apparated to the Three Broomsticks. We were well greeted by Madam Rosmerta; she was two years under me at school. She was the only one at the pub that actually smiled at me. Ever since people knew about Sirius changing sides, men and women have been giving me looks that say "Why didn't you warn us?" like it's entirely my fault! I didn't know about him being a traitor, so why bestow the blame and the responsibility on me? Anyway, we walked towards the castle when Mother spoke:

"Nathalie, Dumbledore expects you to start where Professor Sinistra left off, as she is on maternity leave. He also expects you to do well and get along with the whole administration." I chuckled; I had a tendency to pick fights with people... It was a problem with me at school, because I defended people who needed it. I got carried away with my defending sometimes...

"...And he means everybody. Promise me you will," Mother finished. I looked at her long and hard before replying:

"Of course! I mean why would I pick a fight with somebody who either was my teacher or I probably know?" She just looked me and murmured:

"If only she knew..."

"Knew what, Mother?"

"Nothing...here's the gate." I looked up at my old school. I knew this building like the back of my hand. Being a daughter of teachers did have some advantages. I mean I had practically lived there my whole life! I use to run around the corridors, read books in the library or go visit Hagrid during classes when I was young! That was if I was not learning how to read and write, of course! We went through the gates and entered the grounds. It was the same as when I had left it. The same green grass, the same forests at the far end of the grounds, the lake, the Whomping Willow, everything to the last little peck of fallen brick from off the roof top.

"Home, sweet home," I murmured. Mother looked at me surprise.

"I never thought you like it so much. I mean, you used to complain that there was nothing to do."

"That was before I learned magic, Mother." We both laughed and entered the castle. It hadn't changed much either! There was the same extravagant marble entrance filled with students laughing, playing and studying.

"Your luggage was picked up by house elves and brought up to your room. But first, you must meet Dumbledore." So I followed her towards his office. On the way there, I passed some sixth or seventh years who I knew from my time at this lovely school. I mean I just graduated what...three years ago! We passed students running, jumping, snogging (Mum stopped them right there) and then to get to Dumbledore's office.

"Chocolate Frog," Mother spoke to the gargoyle in front of his office. We went up and I knocked on the door. There was a faint "Come in." I entered and saw my godfather. I hadn't seen him since I had pleaded with him to raise Harry. We hugged and he motioned for me to be seated. Mother sat beside me and he began:

"Welcome back, Nathalie."

"It's good to be back, sir."

"I'm glad you feel this way. Now, there are a few things we must discuss. First off, I received a letter from Professor Sinistra, in which she expressed her reluctance to continue teaching. Therefore, I would like to offer you a permanent teaching post." I looked at him then to Mother and then back and forth. Permanently? I never really thought of teaching forever. I mean, I had only taken this because Mother wanted me to and because I needed something to occupy me and earn cash. So I replied:

"I really didn't think about taking this job for the rest of my life. Really, I didn't think about it. I would actually like to try it out first, and then I will either give you my consent or refusal on the matter."

"Deal. Now, there are other matters to tend to as well. As I'm sure you'll understand, Professor Sinistra's powers of concentration have lain outside of the classroom for the most part of this year, due to her pregnancy. Many of her students will be taking their O.W.L.s at the end of the year, so it is critical for them to catch up with her usual teaching curriculum. I'm sure you understand, but this week, I must ask you to review and teach the students all the information they should have learned up until this point of the year."

"Also, I know you're going through a tough time right now and you need to be strong. These students do need discipline. If ever they give you a hard time about...Sirius, just let me know. I will deal with the matter myself." I nodded again, because if ever they did, I would go back to my secluded depression.

"In addition to being a teacher, you shall be Head of the Gryffindor house. When your father passed away, your mother took over his place as Deputy Headmistress. She cannot do both jobs so you have been appointed to it. Now, here is your schedule plan with all the classes and students you will have. You start Monday." He showed me everything I had to do. I looked at the papers and said to myself, "Nathalie what did you get yourself into! This is so much more than what you normally do! But I can do it! If Mother and Father could, I certainly can! If you say so..." Now Dumbledore had covered everything, he turned to me and said with a smile:

"On a brighter note, I have a surprise for you. An old friend of yours has joined the administration; actually, I beseeched this old friend of yours to join, knowing that he or she will cheer you up very much." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he said, "However, you are not the only one being kept in the dark. Your friend does not know that you are here, as you do not know the identity of your friend. He or she has accepted to spend an afternoon with you; I hope you will take the offer." I just looked at him and said,

"Is this a friend of mine a close one?"

"Yes, you were very close; I'm quite afraid that the two of you have not kept in touch diligently." I started thinking of names, but I couldn't think of anyone who was suited for this description. Out of curiosity, I said yes. I am to meet Mother at her office at ten in the morning to meet this person. I am to dine and eat breakfast in my new office so as not to see the mysterious persona before the date. I'm really curious to find out who it is!

Later, Fifth of November

Dear Diary,

I have made myself at home in my new office and quarters. They are situated right below the top of the Astronomy tower, through a hidden door. My office is fairly large, with windows. It's painted a soft purple with white drapery and upholstery. There's a small fireplace that has a big mantel, which I have used for pictures of what used to be. I have an oak desk and chairs, and a small bookcase filled to the top with Astronomy books. I can't wait to read them! There is a door right behind my desk that leads to my quarters. In those quarters, I have a bedroom and bathroom, a study, a small living area and a small but cosy eating area. I don't get why they have those when the Great Hall is downstairs. My bedroom is burgundy red and has a window that opens to a beautiful view of the park. A four-poster bed centers the room, with a night table, vanity and closet. My bathroom is baby blue with a big tub, only to be used when I want to relax from a hard day. My study is upstairs at an end of the Astronomy Tower that only I can reach. The living room is quite the charm, painted in a very light green with comfortable couches and poufs. There is also a fireplace and four bookshelves. The eating area consists mainly of a sink, pantry, table, chairs and windows. It has a cute yellow colour to it.

I am very happy with being here and I actually look forward to teaching. I also can't wait to start as Head of Gryffindor! Father's job always looked like it was fun. But I am more excited to meet this friend of mine. I hope she/he will put me in better spirits. I looked over my yearbook to see who it might be but the only person I have come close to is Remus Lupin, an old friend of James and Sirius. But I had seen him not long ago at Lily and James's burial. But the best part is that I have moved so quickly to better spirits. I am still sad, but I feel loads better. I can actually laugh. Now I must get some shut eye; I haven't since their deaths and I really am tired.

Sixth of November

Dear Diary,

I woke up at nine-thirty, because I had actually slept for once. I went and ate breakfast when a knock at the door disturbed my peace. It was Mother. I had expected her to come since I had woken up so late. But it was still Sunday. She came to tell me the appointment had been moved to ten-thirty. That meant I had an hour to get ready for the mysterious friend I was going to meet. I went to change into my robes that Mother bought for me. They were my professional robes. It was basically a long dress up to my knees, with a v-neck blouse collar with patterns on it and a cape/coat on top that arrived to my ankles. I put on the blue dress and coat to match my eyes. I looked at myself in the mirror. Gosh, had I changed from a few weeks ago. My blue eyes weren't as sparkly as usual, puffy, swollen and with big dark circle under them. My black curly hair seemed to be less bouncy, and I was very pale. I guess it was a gift from all the horrors that had just occurred. I was feeling happy, but my looks didn't show it. I put on make-up to make me look less of a sick, unhealthy woman.

I went see my mother. She asked me if I was ready. I didn't know what to reply, I mean, yes I was, but my inside was saying no. It was saying to me DANGER RIGHT AHEAD. I just looked at her and replied, "Yes". And off we went to Dumbledore's office. Everybody was out and about for last of the sunny days before the snowfalls of December. As we arrived at the steps, Mother said to me:

"Just so you know, I had nothing to do with this; it was all Albus' idea. I didn't know that you two had a past and I really wouldn't have done this if I was him, but he thinks it's best for the both of you." I looked at her with a hard stare. She was saying this like I was going to get killed in there. Now I really did not want to go. Then she opened the door to his office and pushed me in there, but not before she put her hands over my eyes so I couldn't see. I could hear voices and then Dumbledore spoke:

"Now, I have decided to bring you here for one simple reason. The war may be over but we need to have allies, even if you dislike them. Voldemort might have disappeared, but you may never know when he will come back. This is why, even if I was the only one to know about you and even if you are probably still angry at each other, we have to act fast because we will never know what could happen. Minerva, if you may let her see as I will let him." So this was all a scheme to rekindle some boy and me, just for the sake of Voldemort's possible return. Before I could say anything, Mother removed her hands, and I finally saw who this "friend" was. A man my age was standing in front with the same inexplicable look on his face. He was pale, with long greasy black hair and a crooked nose. It was my ex-boyfriend, Severus Snape.


	2. Yesterday, Love Was Such An Easy Game

"Now, I have decided to bring you two here for one simple reason. The war may be over, but we need to have allies, even if you hate them. Voldemort might have disappeared, but you may never know when he will come back. This is why, even if I was the only one to know about you guys and even if you are probably still mad at each other, we have to act fast because we will never know what could happen. Minerva, if you may let her see as I will let him."

* * *

So this was all a scheme to rekindle some boy and me, just for the sake of Voldemort's, maybe, return. Before I could say anything Mother removed her hands, and I finally saw who this "friend" was. A man my age was standing in front with the same inexplicable look on his face. He was pale, with long, greasy, black hair and a crooked nose. It was my ex-boyfriend, Severus Snape.

Now, I had started dating Sirius in third year, because that was the school year we had decided to start, since we did love each other since first year. The only thing standing in my way was one of my best friends, Severus Snape. They hated each other, and they would fight everyday and I was stuck in the middle of them. Severus was more of a friend to me then lover and Sirius the opposite. But somehow deep down I had feelings for Severus. He did too.

In fifth year, Sirius decided to play a trick on Severus that almost cost him his life. Luckily James rescued him (even though they loathed each other too) and I was there to witness it. After James had brought him to safety, I talked sense into him. "Why do you even listen to Sirius? You know all he wants is for you to get hurt," I yelled at him. His answer was as simple as "Because if you trust him, I can to. I love you." And that was when we shared our first kiss and fell in love.

After that we kept our relationship on the low-down, we saw each other whenever we could. I played Sirius' girl and he pretended to be available. We were living a lie and loving it. It wasn't that I did not like Sirius; no it was just that I loved them both. The only people to know were Dumbledore, who had caught us snogging along in the park late at night, and Lily, she caught us snogging in his train compartment. Lily was also Severus' best friend; we started out we three friends.

Time passed by and Snape distanced himself from us, hanging out with the Dark Arts kids. The final tread was when he treated Lily of a Mudblood a few days before the prank. Lily was so not impressed with him and they had known each other before Hogwarts. I clearly remember him having slept in front of our common room door waiting for Lily's forgiveness; she never gave it. She unpleased to know we were going out too; Sirius, even if he was a prick, was better then two-faced Snape. But as a true friend she supported it and kept the secret; it was all perfect. I thought we had real love and everything and I started to feel more for him then Sirius. But all fell over at the Graduation Dance.

I had made up my choice to go and live with Severus. I came out in the park while Sirius was fooling around with other girls under Lily's watch. Severus was there waiting for me. It showed that he too, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But he had something to tell me. He told me he loved me, but not before we started seventh year. Because he was madly in love with Lily. He told me he used me to get her, to make her jealous and make her fall for him again after the fight they had. But it hadn't worked since Lily was now going out with James; now I knew why he hated him.

He had given up after walking in on them snogging along on the Quidditch pitch. Then that's when he saw that it was no use and realized that he was wasting his time. That's when eh realized he had a good thing with me and that he shouldn't let go. He told me that he would never love me as much as he did with Lily. Then he tried to propose to me. Of course that broke my heart in millions of pieces and I didn't want to speak to him again and refused the proposition. I could never fall in love with a man who wanted to replace me for another woman; especially my best friend. That's when I decided to erase him from my life and took Sirius' offer to move in with him.

Severus Snape was a man who I could never trust. He always kept secrets from me because he "didn't want to hurt me". He didn't tell me he was half-blood, with an abusive Muggle Father and a disowned pureblood witch as a Mother. That his Father had left when he was only 12 and died two days after and his mother couldn't make enough money for him when it was already hard with his father for money. He never told me about his real feelings for Lily, never told me "I love you" and really meant it. Never did he tell me that my Mother and his knew each other as friends and that when Eileen (his mother) married his Father, my mother tried to talk her out of it. He never told me stuff and he was the one who imposed that we tell each other everything. It came out eventually, but he was still being a hypocrite.

Anyways back to what happened, we where both staring at each other. Dumbledore was looking back and forth at us until Severus said:

"This is who you said needed my help because she just came out of a nasty relationship?" I turned to Dumbledore and said:

"This is who you said would cheer me up?" Mother kept her eyes on me, I think she knew that I wanted to kill Dumbledore right this instance. Now, I knew what she meant by all the "don't fight" and "it's not my fault" stories.

"Now, now this for the duties of alliances." Pouff, right _alliances_.

"Why should I be in alliance with the man who broke my heart?" I said.

"I didn't break it. I said I was sorry, but you just had to over react."

"_OVER REACT?_ IF SOMEBODY YOU LOVED SAID HE DIDN'T LOVE YOU BECAUSE HE LOVES YOUR BEST FRIEND HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?"

"Nathalie, please..."

"MOTHER! Stay out of this..."

"Tttt, mini Professor McGonagall is on the verge of explosion..." Severus said grinning.

"MINI...THAT'S IT," I ran up to him took out my wand but Dumbledore stopped me.

"We are doing this for the good of the world. Stop your foolishness right this _instance_." We both started to calm down. Dumbledore took are wands so "no harm can be done". Then he sat us both as Mother was leaving, probably not wanting to see more of this. Then Dumbledore said:

"I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be back shortly. Don't kill yourselves please," and he left. Then we heard a faint click coming from the door. The bastard had locked the door with us in the same room!

"Great, just great, now I'm stuck here all afternoon with Miss Upset..."

"Well I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for anything. All I ever wanted was happiness..."

"Well life isn't a fairytale now is it?"

"Well you didn't get betrayed by the ones you loved, now did you? You haven't loss everything you have worked for..."

"I have been through more than you can think of. Believe me..."

"Right. You probably sat on your arse at Malfoy's manor enjoying all the pain and suffering that I went through."

"You wish..." Then everything became silent for a few minutes, then incapable to maintain it I said:

"What have you been up to then?" I said in a tone that was interested, but at the same time, didn't really care.

"I worked here and there at local Apothecaries, since my Mother shut her Apothecary down. Then she died in April." He was pretending to look at the floor, but I knew he was trying not to look me in the eye. He was very close to his Mother, having met her once; she was very fond of him too. But he continued:

"Now, I have the Potion's Master job here. How about you? I thought you were becoming an Auror?"

"Well yes, I went three years to study and do exams for it. I would have passed if I didn't quit. "

"Quit?"

"Yes, because it reminded me too much of what happened. So Dumbledore offered me the Astronomy teacher's post and I accepted."

"I guess...you would have made a great Auror..." He still wasn't looking at me and I knew it was because he didn't want to seem nice.

"Really? My Father thought so too."

"What happened to him? I haven't seen him teaching Dark Arts this year..."

"He died in May; he got caught by Death Eaters and was tortured to death."

"Oh..." I knew he was sincere since my Father did like him as a student. Even with Mother's past he liked Severus and not many people did. My Father, John McGonagall, was an ex-Auror that had stopped to be there for me once I was born. Then, when I had decided to get a job as an Auror he got back into it to be there for me. He did it for me even with my Mother's pleas to not go, and he died.

"So," Severus started, "I heard you where married to Black?"

"No, we were just engaged. We were going to marry near Christmas time..."

"Ah..."

"How about you?"

"How about what?"

"Did you ever fall for another girl other then Lily?"

"Well yes and no. I did love a girl, but she left me. But other then her I didn't love anybody else more then I loved Evans."

"Who was she?"

"You don't know her..."

"I want to know, you know about my love life!"

"No, you shall not know."

"Fine." Great defeat wasn't it? I beat you anything that girl was a hooker he slept with. But being with him and talking to him wasn't so bad. I was actually amused by his response to my questions or actions. So, wanting to see more of his actions I asked a daring question.

"You know, I was going to choose you over Sirius."

"Really?" He said lifting an eyebrow. "I had the impression he was the _one._"

"At first he was, but then I fell for you," I explained, "I loved him a lot, but I loved you more, I guess. I just could relate more to you and we seem to have more of a connection and "passion" for each other. I mean he never did listen to me, fight for me or help me through tough times."

"Well, you were one of my best friends. You came to me and started crying your heart out, what other choice did I have?" I laughed. I did do that more often then none.

"Sirius didn't really care in that sense. He just wanted me to stop crying never knowing what the problem was when I needed to talk. But, he did after Lily got mad at him for not taking good care of me the right way. But, that's how he is..."

"An arrogant, careless, narcissistic, bully and a bloody murderer?" I just look at him trying not to cry. It was the first time I had realized, Sirius had, in a way, killed Lily and James. He had sold them to Voldemort. Holding back my tears I changed the subject.

"But, you said earlier, I was only a _best_ friend to you? That was all I meant? After all we did together that is your memory of me, a friend?"

"At some point in our relationship you were more then that…but Lily was always the one. When I finally realized, that my primary goal was never to come true, I realized that I had all I needed in front of me. But, you over reacted to me telling the truth, because I really was sorry."

"SORRY? That's what you said everytime something new came to the table from you. Do you know how much it hurt me? After you told me your real intentions? I just couldn't get over that fact and you! I had to burn everything I had of you, even to throwing the necklace you gave me in first year to get over the fact you mistreated me? Crying my self to sleep for weeks and weeks? You broke my heart, Severus, when I really did feel something for you!"

He was looking at me during the whole time with his black eyes. It wasn't the usual ones, cold, dark and mysterious leaving you guessing how he felt. No, they were full of emotions, sadness, distress, regret and sorrow. Maybe, he was really sorry, but that night he told me about the truth, all that came out was "Lily this..." or "Lily that..." Or, maybe, he was only sorry because she was now dead and he could never get her. I was crying as I got out of my chair to start walking around Dumbledore's office.

"Now, I just lost the only guy who loved me for real, with no games, and my friends, forever. Then, you came back to _try_ and make me happy, and all you can say is "What have you been up to?"

"No better then you! You were having a nice cosy life, fucking your boyfriend and having the time of your life with your friends when I went through a hell of a lot more! While you were happy, I was taking care of my dying Mother, trying to make ends-meet and not stopping about thinking of Evans and you, how I mistreated you and how bad I felt? How much I regretted ever ruining my perfect friendship with the both of you? And all you can say is the same?" I started to cry even more as I walked towards the window. Looking outside, I saw the students playing and just having fun, and I remembered how easy it was back then. Then all the memories came back to me and I started crying some more. I heard him coming towards me, putting his hand on my shoulder and saying:

"I never, did I ever, mean to hurt you this much. I did love Evans more, but, I realized too late that I actually did love you. I knew Lily would never leave my heart and always fill me more then anybody else; I mean for god sake my Patronus is the same as hers! But you were always there for me even after all of what happened; she had left and for good. I did the stupidest thing and I regret it sincerely. I have never stopped thinking about you and to this day where I would see Lily and you again. I, still to this day, want to die because I hurt you girls so much. You…all you did was throw out a two galleon worth necklace just to make the pain go away.

"I feared everyday to see your name or Lily's in the paper in a wedding add with...Potter or Black's name beside yours. Because I wanted my name there; especially Lily. After you left me, I did try to get Lily back once again…but it didn't go as...planned. So I gave up, since you would obviously never want to try and even love me anymore. I really did want us to work it out, but you left me broken and feeling bad, even more then ever I did. I wanted to spend my life with you, but you refused, just because I did one foolish thing."

"One? You lied to me a lot, Severus. You never told me about your family, friends, loyalties and even how much I meant to you."

"We were just kids and plus, I feel bad enough as it is. Karma comes back around...and it haunts me to this very day." He turned me around to face him. "I knew deep inside it as you that was going to walk though these doors and I knew you would never want me to see you. Never even want me to come close to you. I am more then sorry, and all I ever wanted was to you to except it. Do you except my apologies?"

I looked at him for a moment. If only I had telepathy to know what he was thinking! But I could see in his eyes, he was really sorry. He had passed three entire years feeling guilty about what happened, even trying to make it up by getting Lily back. Because I knew he was saying that to make me believe it was I, he wanted. But having not succeeded made him even more sad and sorry and, I didn't really, ever get over him.

"Yes, I forgive you." He smiled at me. I decided to trust him, but one little thing and I was out. I could see that he was extremely happy about this, but one thing wasn't resolved.

"But what is our status? Are we friends or more...what are we?" He came and put his arms around me and murmured in my ear:

"Whatever you want us to be, Nathalie." I looked up to him and felt my stomach jolt. It was the same feeling I had everytime I use to look at Sirius or Severus deep in the eyes that were full of passion. I knew what he wanted, but I wasn't sure I was ready to give it to him. I had just lost love and I didn't know if I could go through it again. I did want to go back, I always wanted to go see him and forgive him and just stay with him, but it was wrong. I had just now done what I had forbidden myself to do. I wanted to love once again, and have somebody love me back with the same intensity as I did. But I wasn't a 100 sure he loved me; Lily was still inside his heart. But my conscience was telling me it was love, not a 100 but close enough. As I just finish my thoughts, he lifted my chin up with his hand and said:

"So? What are we?" I looked deep into his eyes and said:

"What do you think we should be?"

"More then just a memory of lost love..." And then, taking my head in his hands he kissed me. Deep, passion and full of emotion, which is what I felt in his kiss. I felt all that had happened during the pass days floating away like a bird leaving my heart for more deep feelings. Those feelings took their rightful place back after leaving Halloween night.

It was a dream come true. I am back with the one I loved the most, the man who will now not break my heart because of pain. Pain that was not only felt by me, but by him too. I never wanted to let go of him. We were there, kissing and kissing and kissing...

On the other side of the doors stood a concerned Mother and excited Headmaster. Their ears stuck to the door, trying to listen in into the conversation done on the other side. The Mother was trying to see what was happening by looking in the cracks of the door.

"Minerva, don't fret, they're alright."

"Easy for you to say. I know Nathalie...she can really get mad and especially with what just happened."

"Well, they did stop scream at each other for about five minutes now..."

"Maybe she hit him and is now waiting for us to come and deliver her. I told you this was a bad idea. You should have thought of something more...subtle."

"Trust me. I know what I'm doing. I know Severus and I know Nathalie. Both of them never got over the fact they left each other. I know so for him, as he told me when he came back onto our side before the war..."

"Do you think he will tell her that he is an ex-D...?"

"Not even if his life depends on it. He regrets everything he did Minerva, he really does. He regrets ever-hurting Nathalie and he feels even guiltier for what happened with Lily Potter. But unfortunately, it turned out wrong and he saw that the Dark side was a bunch of cocoons."

"What made him go to the Dark side, Albus?"

"Malfoy said that Voldemort would give him anything he wanted if he joined, and what he wanted most was Lily. So he did Voldemort's biding, only to not get what he wanted. He never wanted her to die or get hurt like she did. Regretting it, he chose to come back when he learned. But don't tell this to her nor bring it up with him. When the time comes, he will speak of it."

"Whatever you say, but, what are they doing...I can't see anything..." She kept looking in the cracks trying to see at least not a dead body.

"Well they have been there for half an hour, let us see." Dumbledore opened the door.

Anyways, we were kissing, as the door swung open. Dumbledore and Mother were both standing there, mouths opened, surprise of our behaviour. Looking from it, they thought we were going to kill each other instead of kissing. Severus got right off me, and looked at Dumbledore with a certain look, which I couldn't define. The Headmaster looked very happy, when as my Mother, ready to have a heart attack.

"So, I guess we're settled then. You may have the rest of the afternoon to yourselves if you wish," Dumbledore said. I looked at Severus as he looked at me. Catching up was a good idea. We both left a happy Headmaster and, I think, a stunned Mother of mine, to go out to Hogsmeade.

To summon up this day, I rekindled back with the lost love of my life, had a snog and went out with him to catch up on all those years we lost for foolishness. We had a lovely date and I learned more about him then I did before. We came back, had a snog in the park first, and I dreamt about him and me...


	3. This Is My Life As We Speak

Seventh of November

Dear Diary,

Today was my first class and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I am probably the best teacher of all, according to the students, of course. I woke up early and ready to start my day. I came down to the Great Hall and sat beside Mother and Severus. He kissed me good morning on the cheek and continued on with reading _The Daily Prophet. _Mother was still stunned with my behaviour of yesterday, she just nodded good morning.

I ate and waited for my first class. They were Gryffindors, third years, a year where you still are at the basics in Astronomy. They all came in, as I was sitting at my desk preparing for the activity. They came in packs, so it was easy to see who was friends with whom. I also noted the popular students, the ones who arrived a few seconds before the bell, due to socialising. The bell rang, and I started to take attendance. I was half way through when a blonde girl came in into the class classroom, late of course.

"Sorry I'm late, I was snogging my boyfriend." The whole class giggled; I just stared at her and said in a low voice:

"Sit down, but next time points will be taking off of Gryffindor for every minute you are late." She sat as I continued the attendance. Her name is Karen Horton, and I have to say a real B... no wait, I can't say that about a student. She is a real chicken-head.

I sat on an un-used desk in front and said:

"Hello, and welcome to Astronomy. I'm Nathalie McGonagall; just call me Professor Nathalie so you don't get confused with the other Professor McGonagall. I am, of course, your new Astronomy teacher and Head of Gryffindor House. Now un-like your other teachers, I only have two rules in class. Number one, have fun, never be bored learning Astronomy. Second, give me respect and I will give it back to you...right, Karen?"

She was talking with her friends while I was speaking. When I said her name she turned around, looking stunned and objectified.

"It's Miss Horton, Professor..."

"Yes, I know. Now, what was so important that you couldn't care less about what I said?"

"Well...um...well really..."

"Yet another reason why you have to listen in class." The other students seemed to be pleased that I was picking on her, she was one of those students that thought they were popular, but weren't and people actually hated her.

"Now, I know, as I was once a student myself, that you all are probably interested in my private life. As for myself, I want to know more about all of you. So we are going to go around, as you all say your name and what you like the most and ask me a question. We will start with Karen, who is now listening to me."

"I'm Karen Horton, and what I like the most is my boyfriend (everybody sighed and so did I) and I wanted to know, is it true Professor Snape and you are dating?"

Either rumours start just for the fun of it, or they saw us at Hogsmeade or even are saying this to provoke me. I wanted to say yes, but to do it without Severus' consent was a big deal. He wasn't the type of guy who wanted everybody to know about his private life and this was his choice too. So I asked:

"Why do you ask that question, Karen?"

"Well we saw him kissing you on the cheek this morning..." I had totally forgotten about the kiss! It was a total give away. Maybe he did want everybody to know...but to keep it safe from a fight I replied with an easy answer:

"We have known each other since first year, so we are very close _friends_."

"Right you are..." Everybody giggled. Then they went on and on, asking me stupid question like "Are you related to Professor McGonagall?" or even "Does Snape kiss good?" I didn't answer some of them, because I just didn't know what the hell to say. Then we went into real business.

"Now, what have you learned in Astronomy until now?" A dark haired, brown girl lifted her hand.

"Yes..."

"Elizabeth. We didn't learn anything with Professor Sinistra really..."

"No, before her, you had a French gentleman...my mother told me about him..."

"Mr. Vachon?" a girl with bright yellow eyes said. I looked at her, wanting to know her name. "I'm Jayne. He taught us stuff, yes, but it wasn't much. We mostly learned about..." As Jayne was rambling about what they had learned, I was going beside my desk, getting the day's activity. As soon as she stopped, I said:

"Well, you know the basics; let's see if you can remember it. Now, in this box are tickets. I will give you questions out loud and the first one to yell out the answer gets a ticket. The one with the most...wins a surprise." All the students were up and ready for this challenge. We had so much fun. The winner was Jayne. She got 10 chocolate frog cards and a bar of Honeydukes finest chocolate. The class was dismissed early and as they went off, they gave me compliments on my teaching. As for Karen, she just went off with her group of friends. These Gryffindors were nicer than in my time at Hogwarts. I can't wait to teach my next class. Oh! The bell just rang and I have yard duty.

Later, Seventh of November

Dear Diary,

Yard duty, every teacher hated it and every teacher had to do it one time or another in their lives. Sadly, I was picked this year for the first recess for everyday of the week, which means no freedom and no Severus. Even if it's for 15 minutes. Anyways, while I was walking, I could hear the students I just had, speaking about me to their friends and all I heard were compliments, until Karen came along. She passed by and said:

"God, she thinks she knows everything, she picks on me for nothing and lies to us just because she doesn't want us to know the _shame_..."

"What _shame_?" asked one of her friends.

"That she is dating Professor Snape. Oh! Here comes her _lover_ anyways..." Before I could grasp what she said, arms slide around my waist and a voice in my ear murmured:

"How was your first class?" I turned around to see, Severus, my "_lover_".

"Amusing, the students are so great, but some of them just...are so arrogant." He laughed and said:

"I thought you were used to arrogance?"

"Not really..." He laughed again and spoke:

"Which class did you have?"

"Third year Gryffindor."

"Mmm," he said, "Let me guess...Karen Horton was the trouble maker?"

"YES!" I exclaimed, "How did you know...?"

"She _always_ gets in trouble. She really can push you to the limit sometimes..."

"I know, just today she asked me if we were going out as an official couple. I said no, that we were just friends..." He looked at me, stunned of at my action and said:

"Why did you say that?"

"Well, I didn't want to spread anything around without your consent." He smiled at me and said:

"I'm glad you did think of me like that. Well I give you my consent to spread it around as fast as you can so they can see I really do care about you." Then he kissed me and asked:

"You really do like your students don't you?"

"They are not as bad as you told me yesterday at Hogsmeade..."

"In my mind they are as bad!" I laughed, that was Severus, always being so pessimistic about stuff, and I liked him like that. Then the bell rang and my 15 minutes outside were done. I didn't want to go back to class when I was in the middle of Severus' sweet embrace. I looked up to him; he didn't want to leave either. Then suddenly, he kissed me, deep, passionate and long. I put my arm around his neck as he was holding my head with one of his and sliding off my back with the other one. It felt so good, but somebody had to come and ruin it.

"See...they are an item." Severus let go of me as I laid my head on his shoulder, and I heard him say:

"Miss Horton, do you have a problem with us? Because it is certainly none of your business what we teachers do in our private life. But, since you seem to want to know everything even if it doesn't regard you, yes, we are going and out and yes, we love each other. Now you know, go to class...I shall see you there." I heard her going away and I was chuckling about what Severus said.

"I have her next... sadly." It made me laugh and for once since they...died, I felt better and happier. I was finally happy. Then, he took my hand and we headed for the castle.

Eleventh of November

Dear Diary,

The whole week was marvellous. Every class was exciting and fun as my students, now, actually seem wanting to learn about astronomy. Karen got detention twice with Severus, because she was gossiping in class about the new "hot relationship", us.

Every lunch, I would get an owl with a love letter from Severus, even if he was right beside me. I would also get a rose in my bedroom, everyday renewed by a house-elf. He has been so sweet and romantic, and I really do believe he is sorry. Today, during lunch I received my usual owl, but this time it was an invitation.

_Dear Nathalie,_

_I would have delivered this personally, but I gave Miss Horton detention again during lunch. I wanted to know if we could go on a second date. I have missed the quality time we use to have together, back in the day, so I am inviting you for dinner, tonight, somewhere special. _

_Meet me in front of the Great Hall near six? I will not tell you where we are going to keep it a secret. If you had any plans let me know and we shall re-schedule. I can't wait to see you again, my sweetheart._

_Yours, forever and for always,_

_Severus_

I couldn't wait. I had to find a dress for the occasion and I had to send him an owl saying I could meet him tonight. I found a nice light purple dress in my closet, not too revealing and up to the knees. I looked at myself in the mirror, I had changed and I was looking better. My eyes were back at their normal colour, so was my skin colour and my hair too. I looked like nothing happened. It was all thanks to Severus. So I went to the Great Hall and waited for him, but not for long as he arrived shortly after me. He took my hand and took me towards the door that led to the park.

We continued until we arrived at the starting of the forest. Then he said:

"You will be stunned when you see where I'm taking you." We continued on and on until I finally recognised the place. It was our old dating place! We use to come here, when in school, for every date we had so nobody could see us. Severus had set up a picnic dinner, next to the tree where we had carved our initials in seventh year. We had a lovely dinner and dessert; it had really felt like the times when we were innocent children, in love for the first time.

After a few glasses of wine, we both lied down on the picnic blanket to look at the stars. I had put my head on his chest, which gave him the advantage of playing with my hair, twisting the curls between his fingers. I had on arm around his body and the other one was drawing imaginary swirls on his stomach. I was feeling fine, but I had one thing stuck on my mind.

"Severus...?"

"Mmmm...?"

"Do you think we are going too fast with our relationship?" Yes, I thought we were too fast for a couple with only two dates on the map. Normal couples of our status were not even kissing yet, so why did we? Were we going too fast and I was scared of losing everything, because of going too far, too soon.

"Well...no," he responded. "Why do you ask?" he said, lifting his eyebrows.

"Well, a normal couple of our status wouldn't be doing what we are doing, like snogging, yet..."

"I think we are going fast because we already have been through that stage of a relationship before. We have dated for three years before, so we should be way more advanced than we are."

"Yes, but people change...we haven't even confided in each other yet. Well, we have, but not entirely...and we have changed since seventh year...and Lily and Sirius…"

"You're right, we did change, but I don't think we are going fast. I mean, we can confide in each other some time, but some couples don't do so. Lily and Sirius, face it, it will take a while before we are completely over them; maybe even never. If you really think we're going fast, then I would be having sex with you right here and now." I gasped; I was appalled he would say such a thing as that. But, he did have a point. Couples normally didn't confide in each other until after a while, nor did they still love another person and we weren't having sex... yet.

"Ok...I guess we aren't going...that fast." He kissed me then said:

"If you don't want something to happen or me to do something to or with you, I won't. I want you to feel confident enough to go further. I don't want to make you do something I know you wouldn't do for a million years. I don't want to hurt you again and I certainly don't want to lose you again. I want to treat you the right way; like I always wanted to do with Lily. You took her place; my heart still be longs to her and probably always but you are the one I care the most about right now. I promise you I will always care for you first."

"How can I trust you?" I said quietly. Trust was still an issue with us since our first relationship didn't work out because of it.

"If you love me, you will trust me. I love you and I trust you."

"Prove it."

"I trust you won't run off with some other guy..."

"No, the love part..." As soon as I spoke, he did. While we were talking, I had sat up to get a better look at his eyes, to see if he was lying or not. So, since I was sitting and he was lying down, he got up, put his arms around my waist and lowered me back onto the ground. He came up on top of me, and kissed me passionately. Then, after a while, it turned into hunger more than passion. He was kissing me with force, like he never wanted to let go of me, his hands sliding down my sides. There we were snogging along, arms and legs, the whole package.

After a good five minutes, we stopped, knowing it wasn't going anywhere more than snogging. We went back to the castle, hand in hand, happy as ever and I was reassured that we weren't going too fast, we were both in love with the other and we were going to be a couple for a _long_ while.


	4. Revelation Part 1

Twelfth of November,

Dear Diary,

I got up early and went downstairs to eat my breakfast and see if Severus was there. Oddly enough, he wasn't, so I decided to go to his quarters, in the dungeons. The sleepy head was probably sleeping in from our night out yesterday. Just as I went to knock on his door, it opened and he was standing there with a coat and ready to go somewhere.

"Hello, where are you going?" I said, pointing at the coat. He sighed and said:

"Every weekend, I go to visit Lucius Malfoy at his manor." Malfoy? Severus was still friends with that jackass? I had planned to spend the entire day with him, but he was going away. It made me feel really sad, so I asked:

"Will you be gone long? The whole day?"

"I usually do go for a day, why?"

"I wanted to spend time with you," I said in a sad voice, putting my arms around his neck.

"It's either today or tomorrow and I didn't want tomorrow since it's our anniversary of a week and I planned something special for us."

"But, can you come back early...for me?" He was clearly thinking about what to do. Then he said in a decisive voice:

"I'll come back after lunch, for you...but I have stuff to do anyways so we won't be doing anything special."

"That's ok, as long as we are together," I said in a happy voice. I was acting like a child getting his first toy. But then something caught my attention.

"What am I going to do for the rest of the day, until you come back?" He locked the door behind us and said hastily:

"I'm sure you can think of something..." He kissed me goodbye and left me standing there. What was I going to do during my day without him?

* * *

At the Malfoy manor, the doorbell rang and echoed around the house. A little house-elf ran towards it and opened it.

"Master Snape, may I take your coat?"

"Yes, thank you, Dobby." The man, who had just arrived, went up the giant stairs to a room where a honey-blonde haired woman was taking care of a screaming boy.

"Narcissa, where is Lucius?" The so-called Narcissa thought for a second and then replied:

"I think he is in the basement...I'm not sure. If you can't find him, then I'm sure a house elf can help you; I'm a little busy with Draco."

"Thank you. Is he doing well?"

"He won't take his medicine, but he has a cold..." The little child looked at Snape and said:

"Uncle Snape, it taste nasty... I don't want to take it."

"You have to if you want to be better," Narcissa said, giving the child a look.

"Your mother's right, Draco," Snape replied. He said good-bye and went back down the stairs until he reached a big portrait that touched the floor. He pushed it aside, to discover a door. Unlocking the door, he went down a flight of stairs until he saw a platinum-blonde haired man, sitting behind a desk writing a letter.

"Lucius..." The man got up and went to hug Severus.

"Severus, I thought you were coming tomorrow?"

"I couldn't, because of recent events make it ...difficult. I probably won't be visiting as often." They both sat down on chairs as the same house-elf poured wine into glasses for the men.

"Is the old man giving you too much work?" asked Lucius while sipping some wine.

"No, I haven't really had work, it just...I have a new pastime." Hearing this, Lucius sat up and asked with a grin:

"You got a girl? Severus Snape finally got a girlfriend he can keep. Who is she? Is she pretty? Did you do her yet? How long has it been?" Snape, looking shy didn't really want to answer, but Lucius could get it out of him quickly.

"She is very pretty, I haven't slept with her yet, and tomorrow we'll have only been going out for a week."

"That's why...who is she?" Snape sipped some wine and then answered, even though he didn't want to tell Lucius.

"It's Nathalie McGonagall." Lucius laughed.

"Really? You're kidding me? The girl that left you because you used her? The one I thought never wanted to see you again? What miracle did you use to get her back, because whatever you did it made her fall for you again."

"I just explained my side of the story and she forgave me. She still loves me you know, she never got over me."

"But do you love her?"

"Yes I do."

"More than that Mudblood?" Snape, twitched, thought for a moment and then spoke.

"I will always love Lily more than any other girl and Nathalie probably knows it. She isn't mad because Lily is now dead," he said in a sad voice.

"Ah...are you going to tell her the truth about which side you are on?" Snape looked at him for a while; she did know what side he was, but it was Malfoy who didn't know. So he played:

"Never in my whole life unless it's a life-and-death emergency." Lucius grinned.

"Well you didn't before. But, I guess it is all for the good. So when are you going to fuck her?"

"_Lucius_!" Malfoy laughed and said:

"You have been wanting to do it since…you developed sexually. So when?"

"When we are both _ready_ and when she gets over what happened."

"She probably is already since you're in the picture."

"I just want her to be happy with us that's all." Lucius grinned.

"That's what you should do. Narcissa and I didn't, and well since Draco was born it wasn't been that great."

"Problems?"

"Yes, she has been getting very emotional about every little thing I do wrong. She wants me to be there for Draco, blah, blah, blah..."

"Well you should," Snape said timidly.

"Snape, if you're not agreeing with me go away!" Lucius roared.

"Sorry." He knew he shouldn't have crossed him like that, but Narcissa was right.

"Wonders, how such a girl like her could like a man like you..."

* * *

Later, Twelfth of November,

Dear Diary,

Severus came back when he said he would. We spent the whole afternoon in his quarters, more specifically, his living room. He was sitting at a table, grading papers as I was looking around. He had windows, made to reflect on what it looked like outside. But, sadly, they were covered with dark green drapery. It was boring since he was occupied, but I was in his presence and that was all I cared about. After a while, I asked him random questions, to spend some time getting to knowing each other more.

"What do you like the most about me?" He looked up form his papers and said:

"What?" I knew perfectly well he heard me.

"Just answer..." He put his quill down and went to join me on the couch in front of the empty fireplace.

"What do I like the most about you...about your personality or body wise?"

"One of each..." He thought for a while, then said:

"Personality wise, you can see through people and see what they really are not by judging them, by the outside. That would explain why you fancy me." I giggled; it was true.

"Anybody can fancy you; you would just have to be a little more social and optimistic." He made a noise and mumbled something I couldn't make out. "And for my body?"

"All of it." He's so sweet, but a little perverted.

"How about what you like about me?" I knew that answer easily.

"Personality wise, you're unique, I don't know anybody or anything that can be just like you. You might be grouchy one day, then you're nice and romantic the next day. I like every emotion you have. You are adorably grumpy." He was looking at me, with a look that said he was questioning my sanity.

"And, if possible, body wise?" I studied him, looking for a body part that I liked, He wasn't pretty or cute, but I didn't care about looks. But there was one thing that struck me as different:

"Your nose. It's so different and I like it." I kissed it. He smiled and said:

"Right you do..."

"Yes, I do and I'm telling the truth!" He kissed me and then asked:

"What don't I know about you?" I was thinking about my answer while lifting my sleeves up without any notice of what I was doing. That's when he saw it as he grabbed my arm and said:

"What is that on your left forearm?"


	5. Revelation Part 2

I really didn't want him to see it. I just wanted to keep it a secret from him so it wouldn't hurt him. I'm sounding like him for goodness sakes! But I must have forgotten to put a charm on it this morning, to hide it. I was afraid of his reaction and emotions. He was going to judge me by my actions and also call me a hypocrite for not telling him after I made a big deal out of his decisions. But he will never get that I did it for him, in a way- and for me too.

He held my arm harder and asked me the question again:

"What is this?"

"It's just a tattoo..."

"Just a tattoo? When did you get this?"

"After I moved in with Sirius, a month after leaving Hogwarts."

"Why did you do this to yourself?" I had asked myself the very same question when I got it.

"I was still upset about us and I was starting a new life. I wanted to keep those memories, even if they were painful. So I decided to keep them forever by doing this. Even if I had burned, threw away and cried away those memories, I wanted to remind myself of my lost love. Of course, I hid this from Sirius with a simple charm. He never knew and never will." He kept his eyes on my tattoo and said:

"Well, a heart with wings on its side and my name on it would have provoked him!" I laughed and said:

"I was thinking of doing the same with Sirius, but after you made me see that he was an asshole, I decided he wasn't worth it. Besides, I'm with you now..." He was tracing the lines of the heart with his fingers, mesmerised by my action. He looked actually happy, the total opposite of what I thought he would be.

"Well, there's your answer." He laughed and said:

"You know how I feel about this?"

"No, how do you feel?" I sounded like a doctor.

"I feel happy, but at the same time sad that you had to this. I'm happy I was part of your life everyday and you did love me after all, but sad that that was the only way you could remember me without crying."

"I did it for you, I guess. I did it because I loved you and still did. I just erased those feeling out of my head to replace my true feelings with Sirius. But it didn't work because I'm back with you and happy because my true feelings are back." He was so touched about what I said that he kissed me and said:

"Well, I'm glad you have it, because now you can show it to everybody without hiding it. Because I love you...and you love me.

"But I thought you were going to like Lily no matter what."

"Yes, but I'm coming to see that you are it; because I will never have her, but I can have you. I might still love her more then anything in the world but you are my number one at the moment. I care for you the most and love you, but she's always Lily Evans my first ever love… but she is only a memory now. You, on the other hand, aren't a memory anymore."

"I'm a dream come true?" I asked.

He smiled at me and said, "Yes."

We kissed for a while, totally ignoring the world around us, like we didn't care. Then, by total accident, Mother came in looking for me. Severus got off of me faster then I can say his name. Mother turned around mumbling that she'd see me later and left. Our make-out session was ruined, but I wanted to know something about him I didn't know. I asked him the question as he replied:

"Nothing." He was turning pail and I knew there was something wrong.

"What did you do?"

"I'm ashamed to say it..."

"I don't care...it was in the past. I'll _still _love you." He thought for a moment, then got up and walked towards the empty fireplace.

"I..._almost_...joined the Death Eaters." What the fuck? He _ALMOST_ joined them?

"What for?!" I asked screaming and almost crying.

"Because...Malfoy said that if I joined the Dark Lord would give me anything I wanted, power, money, girls, anything. It was really tempting, but I refused before it was too late. He already had a mission set up for me, but I said no."

"So you didn't join?" I asked holding back my tears.

"No, I didn't." I got up and put my arms around him and kissed him.

"I'm glad you didn't. You gave me a great scare," I said with a hysterical laugh.

"Me too." I looked up at him, in his eyes and he seemed to be ready to cry. He got out of my hold and went back to correcting papers, leaving me alone near the fireplace.

"Can I help you correct?" I said turned back to him with a fake smile. I was still traumatised by what he had just told me, and correcting would make me forget about what happened. He looked up from his work and said:

"Sure. As long as you do it right..." I sat and said:

"I wasn't that bad in Potions..." I took the papers he gave me and started grading as he snickered at my comment. We didn't really speak after that. I think he was too ashamed of the Death Eater thing to speak. We finished by suppertime. Then we parted into our own quarters for the rest of the night.

Thirteenth of November,

Dear Diary,

I was woken up this morning by an owl from Severus. It kept biting me until I would finally get up. It was 8:30 in the morning! I took the letter and it read like so:

_My __very dear Nathalie,_

_I am very sorry about yesterday, but you asked for the one thing you didn't know about me, and it was that. I never meant to frighten you or hurt you in any way. I was going to tell you, but not until we had full confidence in each other. I am very sorry._

_On a brighter note, today is our one-week anniversary. I have planned a special day for us and I'm sure you will be happy. I will not tell you what we do until the time comes to do it. Meet me at the clock tower for our first activity. Make sure to wear something you will be comfortable in._

_Yours, forever and for always,_

_Severus_

I was excited to do the first activity, after our picnic dinner, I was wondering what else he could come up with. I put on everyday clothes, since that's what I'm comfortable in. They're Muggle clothes, but he won't notice. I wore tight blue jeans and a burgundy red v-neck. I took something out of the pantry for breakfast. Now that I'm finished I will head for the clock tower!

Later, Thirteenth of November,

Dear Diary,

I arrived at the clock tower, but he wasn't there yet, so I decided to look out of the clock to see children outside going to Hogsmeade. Then I heard faint footsteps behind me. I turned to see Severus. He was wearing black pants and a turtleneck with a coat, gloves and scarf. Apparently we were going outside.

"Hi," he said after kissing me.

"Hi, so what are we doing?"

"We're going to Hogsmeade; just a little shopping before the big stuff." We went back to my quarters so I could get my coat. Then we set off for our destination. Millions of houses, different shapes and sizes were put right in front of us; it was Hogsmeade.

"So, where do you want to go first?" He asked.

"I didn't really plan on going anywhere; did you want to go somewhere?"

"I wanted to shop for potions stuff, but it can wait. This _is_ a romantic day."

"Ok, then we can go to your potions store, and then find something romantic to do..." He accepted and we went off to Fangs & Eyes Inc. As soon as we entered I heard Severus say "Oh no" and then a loud voice screaming:

"OH MY GOD! SEVERUS SNAPE?! IS THAT YOU?!" It was, sadly, our old Potions Master, Horace Slughorn, a man who had a thing for my Mother. He was a fairly large man, who looked like a walrus and always said Severus and Lily would make a good couple. He was nice indeed, but a pain in the ass, if you catch my drift.

"Yes, it is," Severus replied coldly. He hated him.

"Long time no see, eh? So, I suppose you're here for supplies? Stalking up for the students?"

"Yes, indeed," he said while walking to the counter, squeezing my hand to get the stress out. I didn't mind, but Holy Christ did he have a grip!

"Ah, me too. I need some ingredients for some potions I'm brewing in retirement; you know, to pass the time. It has been lonely. Anyways," Slughorn said finally noticing me. "Who's this charming lady?" Severus and I sighed; he did like my Mother, but never could remember me.

"This is Nathalie McGonagall. You know her..."

"OH MY GOD! NATHALIE?! LITTLE NATTY MCGONAGALL?!" I became red and squeezed Severus' hand and said:

"Yes...it's me."

"OH MY GOD? REALLY? I ALWAYS THOUGTH YOU WERE BETTER OFF WITH SIRIUS AND HIM, EVENTUALLY, WITH LILY! BUT THIS IS SO AGAISNT THE ODDS!" The whole store was now looking at us and we were embarrassed by Slughorn's behaviour. "So, how long has it been since you guys were a couple?" We both looked at each other with a smile.

"It has been a week, today, since we got back together..."

"BACK TOGETHER?!" Now we were really embarrassed.

"Yes," I said _quietly_. "We dated at Hogwarts." He was going to say something about Sirius and me, but decided to go the right way and said:

"Ah... naughty, naughty, naughty! But love can make you do awful things sometimes!" We knew that too well.

"Well, here's my stuff, I better be going leaving you guys in romantic spirits. Owl me if ever there's a wedding, I would like to come." Wedding? Who said anything about a bloody wedding? As he left Severus murmured:

"Bloody bastard...ruined my day." Hearing this I murmured back:

"Don't worry, he did for me too. But I'm sure I can make you feel better..." He smiled sarcastically at me, and I, for a reply, stuck out my tongue. After he got his ingredients we went to a small coffeehouse that I always forget the name of.

Anyways, we were talking, having a pleasant time when, sadly, Karen came in with her boyfriend. Now, this coffeehouse _is_ a romantic place, but did she have to come here? She looked around, saw us and laughed. She took her boyfriend by the hand and sat right behind us. Her boyfriend, a Hufflepuff, was too busy looking at us that he didn't see her falling on him to get a kiss. Since he wasn't paying attention it made Karen fall off her chair. I put my hand in front of my mouth so I wouldn't laugh hard and Severus snickered while sipping coffee.

She looked mad as her boyfriend kept saying sorry, trying to put her back on her feet. Then she sat back in the booth, took her boyfriend's head and smacked it with hers, I guess for a snog. He looked amazed that she was actually kissing him. Then tongues came out and everything, looking very gross. I looked at Severus who was making a face and said:

"They don't know how to kiss." He snickered again and said:

"If they can't kiss properly, then they shouldn't be at kissing point. There's too much PDA already by students..."

"PDA?" I asked, clueless.

"Public Display of Affection." I laughed as they were still kissing. Severus turned to me and said:

"If you want to have lunch, I suggest we go back to the castle soon." So we finished our coffees, paid and went off to the castle, leaving Karen with her boyfriend. On the way back, I saw this magnificent dress; it was light blue, tight fitted, to the floor and low cut. I stopped suddenly, as Severus continued with my hand. He then realized I had stopped, turned around to see what I was doing. Then he saw me staring at the dress, and said:

"Do you want it?"

"Well, I always dreamed of having a similar dress of the sort, but I always go in the stores and try them on, I never buy." He sighed and said:

"Go try it on then..." We went in the store, and it showed that he didn't want to be here. When I came out of the stall he was sitting on the chair in front of the door with a sales clerk bugging him to death. But once I came out they both shut up. I looked at myself in the mirror; it fitted like a glove. I saw from behind me, Severus looking at me with bulging eyes.

"What do you think?" I asked him. No words actually came out clear. I laughed as the magical mirror said:

"It's lovely, Miss!" I looked at the price tag and sighed, it was three hundred galleons. I couldn't afford it and I wasn't going to ask Severus for money since he had planned our day, plus, I never buy them! So I changed and we left without the dress. Severus was still stunned of how I looked and he was thinking of something. Right before I asked him what he was thinking of, he said he had forgotten the ingredients in the store. I waited for him for about fifteen minutes, until he finally came back. He didn't just have potion ingredients but the dress too!

I ran up to hug him as hard as I could. He just smirked and said:

"You better wear it tonight, it cost me a fortune." I laughed and kissed him on the cheek.


	6. Can You Feel the Love Tonight

"Thank you so much, Severus," I kept repeating when we came back to the castle.

"You better be thanking me!" I put my arms around him, kissed him and then asked:

"Where are we going tonight?" I got off him and held his hand as we walked toward the gates.

"A fancy restaurant." A FANCY RESTAURANT?! That was not like Severus at all!

"We are? Yay!" I kissed him again as we entered the hall at Hogwarts. We headed for his quarters. He was unlocking the door when I thanked him again. He turned around and said:

"Yes...I know already!" Then, without notice, he kissed me. We didn't stop kissing, until I saw that we were in his quarters, and he was backing me up onto the sofa, his hands not to himself. I didn't want to hurt him nor separate from him but...

"Severus..."

"Shhhh..." He murmured as he started kissing me on the neck. I head him mumble stuff while kissing my neck and all I could make out was "…lie" like the end of my name.

"No," I pushed him away from me. "We can't..."

"Why not?" he asked furiously.

"In first grade," I started while he sat beside me, "I promised my mother never to do it before my wedding. I have kept my promise until this day and I'm not going to break it now." He was looking puzzled.

"So you never did it with Black?" I shook my head to say no.

"I didn't mean to put you in an uncomfortable position," he said sadly. I knew he wanted to do it, but I wouldn't let him. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok..." I kissed him on the lips and said, "If I hadn't promised my mother, we would have done it. But, maybe if we wait a little longer, we could..."

"Really?" he said with a devious smile. I laughed and replied:

"Well my mother will never know unless we tell her or she finds us. But we have to wait until I'm comfortable enough and that requires us knowing each other better." He agreed and apologized again, because it all went with the 'too fast' subject. I forgave him; I mean, we all get carried away.

After that little incident, he ordered a house elf to bring us lunch down in the dungeons. Then, we had a little chat about classes, the usual, etc. After that, I was so tired that I feel asleep on him. After I fell asleep, he did as well, and we had a little nap. I was tired since I hadn't slept the night before, because I was thinking of the Death Eater and Severus.

I woke up, in his arms, because he was having a bad dream, and was moving a lot. I had to wake him up, by pinching him on the arm.

"Sorry," he said awkwardly, "I was having a nightmare..."

"About the Death Eaters?" I had heard him say a few names and talking about a mission he wouldn't do and also the Dark Lord and Lily were mentioned. He turned pale and replied:

"Yes...I must have dozed off after you...I haven't been sleeping well lately..."

"Why don't you take a Sleeping Draught?"

"Do you know the side effects? I'd rather have bad dreams, then looking drugged all the time and acting light-headed, thanks very much."

"But you'll be in better shape...and you could take it during the weekend so you don't look "_drugged_" in class." He looked at me and said:

"Maybe...but, why did you doze off?"

"I didn't sleep yesterday; I was too busy thinking of you," I said with a smile.

"Isn't that sweet...is there a time where you don't think of me and think of other stuff instead?"

"Not really..." The expression on his face made me laugh. He looked at me strangely because to his mind, it wasn't funny.

"Stop laughing at everything I say..."

"Oh so you're not as romantic and nice as before? What happened to you?" I asked.

"I saw you..." Then, I stuck out my tongue at him again. "...And don't ever do that again." He checked his watch and said:

"I have reservations for five o'clock, and it's 4:30." I got up and asked him if I couldn't change here. I took my dress and went and changed in the bathroom. I also had a few minutes to write this! Now, I'm going away with my Prince!

Later, later, Thirteen of November,

Dear Diary,

Severus was waiting for me in formal robes, in black as usual. He actually looked nice, and I would actually use the word, _attractive_.

"You look lovely, in that _expensive_ dress..." I smirked as he told me the address of the restaurant, since were going to Apparate to it. As soon as we did I exclaimed, "Whoa!" The restaurant was extremely big, with candles floating here and there. It was made out of marble, with gold and silver everywhere! It was _fancy_...

"Malfoy recommended it to me..." he said upon seeing my stunned face. I turned to him and said:

"Can _you _afford this?" It was known that on many occasions, Severus could never (even begin to) afford to give me something, so Malfoy paid for it.

"Malfoy and I are splitting the tab..." I sighed at the remark.

"You know, I don't mind going to crappy places sometimes; as long as you can afford it, I'm fine. I don't want Malfoy paying for _our_ relationship, it just sounds wrong enough."

"This is all for you. I want to give you the best, but I can't afford it so I do this instead." That was so sweet of him!

"Maybe the best for me is as simple as a little crappy restaurant." He looked at me and said:

"So you don't need all the fancy-swanky?"

"Once in a while it's nice, but it's not obligatory. I mean I never actually bought a dress like this in my life, I always just dreamt of having one...Did he pay for this too?" I said, realising that maybe Malfoy paid for the dress as well.

"No, I paid for that..." He looked me in the eyes and said:

"Do you want this restaurant or not?"

"Seriously? No, it's too much..." He laughed and said:

"Well where do _you _want to go?"

"Just in your or my quarters, and have our plates brought." I said, "Plus, I don't think Malfoy will mind, it's just less money spent." He smiled and said:

"Ok, we're going back then." As soon as we got out of the restaurant and Apparated back, I said it was the most romantic thing he ever did, bringing me back instead of making me go through a meal with courses and a million spoons and forks. He laughed at the last one.

We went back to my quarters this time, and demanded that our food be brought up. We probably had a better time than we would have had at that place. I had the best time of my life. There was food, conversations, snogs and most of all, love. But, sadly everything has an ending, especially since we have classes tomorrow. Ah well...


	7. Little Figths, Big Prejudice

Severus Snape sat on his couch with a Fire-Whisky glass in his hand. He could still feel her presence in the room, her scent; he could still feel the material of her dress in his hands, her lips on his, everything. He could hear her voice in his head, speaking to him. She was mesmerising to him; he could never forget her and never wanted to either. He was in love with her. He had never felt something like that, but not as intense as for Lily Evans. Lily was always the one, and Lily's traces were still there in his head; she was much more then Nathalie. But he had Nathalie now and he was enjoying himself tremendously. He wanted Nathalie so badly, and he almost did have her, until she backed away. He could still see her face saying no to him...but why did she? He knew it wasn't for the reasons she had said...or maybe it was all because of Lily? Did she hear him murmur Lily instead of Nathalie on the couch?

He suddenly heard a hissing noise, and turned to see that in the little convex mirror on the table, it was Malfoy.

"What do you want?" he asked the person who had intruded of his dreams.

"How was the date?"

"Marvellous."

"So did she like the restaurant?"

"No...it was too fancy and also she didn't like the idea that you were paying for our date."

"Why did you tell her that?" Malfoy replied angrily.

"Well she asked me..."

"You don't say that!" he hissed back. "You just treat her right. I swear you're going to lose her Severus, trust me."

"Well, she wanted me to take care of her and not you. But I did pay for a dress for her..."

"How much did it cost you? Did she ask you to buy it?"

"No, she didn't ask. I decided to do it as a gift. It cost three hundred galleons, but I negotiated with the lady at the counter, and since I'm a teacher and the dress looked good on her, I got it for half-price..."

"Severus Snape spent a hundred and fifty galleons on a girl? She must really love you...wait, I thought you said she wasn't in the fancy stuff?"

"She isn't, she just admires dresses from the windows. But I decided to buy one for her...problem?"

"No, but she seriously has got to give you something back...if you get what I mean," Malfoy said with a smile. "So, is she in the other room sleeping?"

"No. We didn't do it, Lucius. She didn't want to..."

"A girl who doesn't like fancy restaurants and sex? That's a first..." Severus sighed; she wasn't an ordinary girl either.

"She isn't ordinary, Lucius, she's special and different. Maybe a crappy restaurant for her means the world..."

"That's true, she is different, she loves you..."

"But that's a good thing, Malfoy," he said coldly, but Malfoy didn't seem to listen, for he was in a conversation with somebody beside him. Then he came back and said:

"I got to go, Narcissa and I just got back together so..."

"What did you do to get her back?" Severus asked curiously. He really didn't care, but he had to play along. He was mad at Malfoy for saying such things about Nathalie, but Malfoy did have a point. He didn't want to lose Nathalie either…

"I was there when Draco drew his first _drawing_. Hopefully, his last too, because he isn't a _girl_. I was talking to her when he came with it, so she thinks I was there for a _special_ event in our lives," Malfoy said rolling his eyes. "But I do get something back tonight," he added with an evil grin. "Anyways, good-night."

"Good-night," Snape replied, as Malfoy left him back to his dreams. But one thing was still stuck in his mind; did he treat Nathalie right or not?

* * *

Sixteen of November,

Dear Diary,

Lately, Severus has been very distant. It seems he's always kilometres away from me during dinner, when he is actually right beside me! He hasn't talked to me much either. I think he's upset because we didn't do it. I know he really wanted to, and it makes me feel guilty that I'm making him unhappy, when I should be making him happy. So decided to pay him a little visit...

"Hello, Severus," I said as he entered the doors of his quarters. He looked at me and mumbled a "Hello" and he passed right by me into his workroom. Didn't he like, care about why I was here? So I followed him into his workroom. Then I probably did one of the stupidest things in my life as I put my hands in front of his eyes and said:

"Guess who?" Then, he started screaming at me about stuff I couldn't get, about his life and that since I came in it, it'd been hell. All I could say was:

"Well you were the one who wanted me back in the first place!" Then, he just shut up and locked himself in his bedroom. What is wrong with him? After a few minutes, I knocked on the door and said:

"Severus...what's wrong?" I had a teary voice because of crying, and I hoped that would make him come out. "I didn't do anything wrong and you just shouted at me...did something happen? Please tell me...I want to be there for you, I want to help..." Then, the door unlocked and I heard a "Come in..." He was there on his bed with a goblet in his hand.

"What's that?" I asked at the sight of the goblet.

"An Anti-Stress Potion..." Stress...he would get that easily, but it still didn't explain why he shouted at me.

"So," I said, sitting down beside him, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," he simply replied.

"That out there wasn't nothing. Something is wrong...now tell me what it is..."

"No," he said firmly. I had to pull it out of him someway or another. So, I decided to play the guessing game.

"I'm making you unhappy?" He sighed and said:

"No, it's not you...on the contrary, you make me happy."

"Is it somebody I know?" He nodded; it was a start.

"What did him or her do to you...to make you this upset?"" I asked, taking his hand. Then he abandoned his defences and said:

"This person said I was going to lose you, said I don't treat you right and says that me loving you is a big joke. This person believes I'm only with you to replace Lily. This person doesn't approve of you, and because you are different, the person thinks you're not made for me. I didn't tell the person what I thought because by the time I could, the person had to leave. It made me so mad and I keep thinking this person is right. Maybe I shouldn't be with you, because I don't treat you right, I can't afford you and I'm just replacing you for Lily. It's just stress me out, along with the classes and students, everything."

That little speech rattled me a lot. He was mad at himself, thinking he wasn't good enough for me? Mad at himself for replacing Lily with me? I thought we had been over that; he loved Lily until forever and I was the one he loved and cared for at the moment.

"Is that why you said earlier that I made your life a misery, because you have been trying so hard to get me back, even with Lily in the back of your mind and you think you'll never succeed because this person says so?" He nodded at me; he almost was going to cry!

"Fun fact for you to know: I don't think you mistreat me, I think you loving me is the best thing you ever did in your life. You got over the love of your life, well not completely got over and you treat me no different then you would treat her. I'm ok that you still love her; as long as you truly love me, I don't expect the same amount obviously, but as long as you love me I'm fine. If it makes you as happy as it does for me, you should not leave. If Malfoy doesn't approve of me, thinks I'm different and no good for you, well let him screw himself. Because I love you, I always…" He was looking at me, stunned and then replied:

"I love you." I smiled at him and then he kissed me and replied:

"I'm sorry if I acted distant from you and for shouting at you earlier. It's just his words keep coming back to me. But, if you don't feel that way then, he is wrong...for once."

"Stop letting him control your life! He has been since first year! Live your life with me happily without him. It doesn't mean you can't be friends, but just don't let him make choices in your life. Let the choices choose for you. Now, come with me outside and have a snowball fight with me. Snow just fell and it's sticky and it means snowball fight!" He smiled and said:

"You're such a child!" Then I made a face and said:

"Fine. We won't, its ok."

I had just left when he caught up to me at the doors leading outside and pushed me through them! I fell in the snow, side first. He was just standing there, snickering as I was getting up. Afterwards, I walked up to him, took his hand and pushed him in the snow. It was my turn to laugh. He got up and took me in his arms, pretended to kiss me and then pushed me, with him, in the snow. As soon as he got off me, I ran towards a tree to hide behind. We were making munitions and soon enough, I had taken out my wand and put a spell on them, to make them float around Severus. But, by accident, they were hitting him in the head. I could hear him screaming my name with swears surrounding it.

I got out of my hiding place and as soon as I opened my mouth to say sorry, a ball came crashing into my face. He was laughing and laughing some more, until I got even and threw a snowball at him. Then we had a snowball fight, with no coats at a freezing temperature, but we had a blast! I'm now shivering in my quarters under blankets, writing this down. Severus is in his quarters, but he isn't cold. He never is.


	8. For Better Or For Worse

Eighteen of November,

Dear Diary,

Guess what happened today? I was called into the infirmary for an "emergency". Mme. Pomfrey apparently had a tough time with a patient who had caught a cold by playing in the snow without any layers. It was Severus. I came in, thinking it was one of my students, when I heard his voice screaming at Mme. Pomfrey to get away. He didn't want to take medicine and said he was fine. It was a sight to see! Mme. Pomfrey asked me to stay with him, and convince him to take his medicine. So I sat down and said:

"You know, if you take the medicine, she'll stop harassing you..."

"But, I'M NOT fucking SICK!" he said, fuming away about how he never would get sick.

"You never got sick...in your life?"

"No, and I don't intend to either. Now, help me get out of here, woman!"

"She won't let you or me out until you take something..."

"Great...stuck here all day..."

"Let me check if you are sick or if Pomfrey is going crazy again..." I put my hand on his forehead. It was blazing hot with fever!

"Are you sure? Your head is blazing hot with fever...maybe you should take the medicine..." He rolled his eyes and replied:

"The reason my head is hot is because I'm being harassed by a crazy and paranoid nurse and my girlfriend to take something I don't need!"

"Why do you always have to be stubborn? You're worse then a student, you're like a three-year-old!"

"Me a child? Whose idea was it to have a snowball fight? You're the childish one!" he said firmly.

"Well at least I take my medicine!" He rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to say something but instead he coughed! He was sick! He was just a child that didn't want to take his medicine.

"AHA! So you are sick!" He gave me a dark look and replied:

"Fine. You caught me, I'm sick...Now get me out of here!" I smirked and said:

"Not until you have your medicine!"

"NATHALIE!" he screamed as I went to tell Mme. Pomfrey to give him medicine. She came out with a fuming potion, looking happy, and made him swallow it. Since he was bitchy with us both, the potion took effect by making fumes come out of his ears. He was then ordered to stay in the infirmary until the day was finished, so he could be better. I was ordered to stay to so he wouldn't leave when Mme. Pomfrey left to go and make business' calls. She then went to tell Dumbledore to cancel our classes for the day. As she left, Severus turned to me with his fuming ears and exclaimed:

"You're going to pay for this! I can't believe my own girlfriend isn't taking my side!"

"OH! I'm so scared! What is my loving boyfriend going to do to me? Terrified, I'm trembling with fear!" I said sarcastically.

It has been fifteen minutes since this happened and he is already bored! I had to summon work for the both of us so he wouldn't break my nerves with his grouchiness. Right now, he seems ok, absorbed in his work.

Later, Eighteen of November,

Dear Diary,

I was correcting work while Severus was reading. Then I came across Karen's essay. I started correcting and noticed it was all good. She wasn't that good in Astronomy, and the writing looked familiar. So I search around the classes essays and found Jayne's essay. Her writing was the same as on Karen's paper and Jayne was good in Astronomy.

"Severus..."

"Mmmm..." he said, marking his page.

"Has Karen ever given you an essay?"

"No," he replied. "She never did one of my essays which meant detention. Why?"

"Well this is her Astronomy homework and it's familiar with Jayne MacIntosh's one. Same writing and format," I said, handing them to him. He observed them attentively and then replied:

"It's the same. This is Miss MacIntosh's work with Miss Horton's name on it." He looked up at me and said with a grin:

"What are you going to do about this?"

"I'll talk to her first, ask her why she did this and then make her do it in front of me during lunch, so she doesn't cheat."

"That's it?" he asked, shocked.

"Yes... What else do you want me to do?"

"Tons more! Detention, points, kick her out of here!" He was sick.

"Oh my god, Severus! I give people chances, and you out of all should know that! I'm not that mean..." He sighed and said:

"Sadly, you're not like your mother...OUCH!" he screamed, as I punched him on the arm. "What was that for?" he asked while rubbing his arm.

"For insulting my mother! She isn't mean, just strict!"

"Well she wasn't before..."

It was true; Mother had changed since Father died. Before, she was happy, nice and cheerful. She never used to be as strict, as mean nor did she tie her hair so tight. Since Father left, she has been in a sort of depression. We did everything we could to cheer her up, but nothing ever did work. Even my engagement to Sirius didn't change her mood. It's because of her that even though Sirius broke my heart, I haven't been depressed, because to see her like that makes me ill. For me to be like that would kill...me!

"I know, but since Father died...she wasn't been the same..."

"We all know what it feels to lose someone you cherish..." I smiled weakly, as he was referring to Sirius, Lily, James and Harry...my past. Seeing me sad, he got up of his bed to hug me. His embrace was warm, loving and welcoming, not like before. I didn't want to leave his arms for fear of being lost without him. I actually felt happy, alive and even better than before. What would I do without him? He kissed me and was going to say, "I love you" when Mme. Pomfrey separated us. She thought I would get his cold.

She forced us back to our places, him back to reading and me back to work. After that we had a few chats, but nothing serious. At the end of the day, he was allowed to go back to normal life, no infirmary. The weekend is coming up and I hope he won't go see Malfoy so he'll spend time with me...

Twentieth of November,

Dear Diary,

This weekend was the best! Severus didn't go see Malfoy so he was all mine, for the whole weekend! Him and me, me and him, his quarters, my quarters! We went to Hogsmeade, went for snogs in the woods and took walks with only, of course, each other. But one thing did happen that quite scared me for a second...

This morning, we were in my living room talking and playing with each other's hands, don't ask why, we just did. He was playing with my engagement ring that Sirius gave me and asked:

"Why don't you take it off? Why do you even wear it?"

"I can't take it off, it's tied to his heart with a spell. I can only take it off if he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, breaks our engagement or if I break it by accepting a marriage offer from somebody else."

"Oh an _Applicatio_ ring. But, if you were to marry me would it come off? Even if he still loves you..." That was what scared me. He had just talked about us getting married. It was too early to even think it, and by the sounds of it, he was ready for it. I am too but, I need some time to know him, it has been three years since we parted. At least a month minimum!

"Marrying you? Are you asking me to marry you?" He turned red and said slowly:

"No...it came out like that, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"But do you want us to marry?"

"Well...it's a little early, but I would like to end up with you. I don't want to end up alone and you love me and I do too," he said, looking away from my face. "You?"

"I don't know...I just got out of a relationship that was serious. It's very early, only two weeks have we been together. I still have to figure out the new Severus. Maybe, in two months, if we still feel for each other and I feel ready, we could talk about it..."

"Yes... two months..." I kissed him and made him look at me.

"I love you..." He kissed me back again and again. Then, randomly I asked:

"Would you have children?"

"No," he said firmly.

"Why not? They're fun and cute to be with..."

"No. I don't like children; they don't like me back. Plus, I'll never be a great father and they'll look ugly..." I laughed and said:

"Why do you think you'll be a bad father?"

"I don't know...I can sense it." That was a lie; he probably thought that he would end up hurting the kid more than teaching them how to live. Like his father...I didn't pursue the subject after that. I mostly shut up and we just sat on the couch.


	9. Love Is Complicated Enough, Thanks

Twenty-fifth of November

Dear Diary,

I have been plunged into so much work that I haven't had time for Severus or myself. It has been a week of essays, detentions, and points taken and given. But the worst was when I spoke to Karen about her essay. I made her stay after class so we could talk. I sat beside her and said, "I have corrected the essay, and it's very good. More than expected."

"Thank you, Professor."

"But why don't you write your own essay for once? So I can see if you are good…" She looked at me, and in her eyes I could see fear.

"I didn't do anything!" She was screaming now. "I did this on my own, don't you believe me?"

"Karen, its Jayne's essay with your name on it. I know it; I'm not stupid. Now tell me, why did you do such a thing?"

"But Professor, I did this essay by myself. You can even ask Eric (her boyfriend); I went to the library and everything…"

"Karen," I sighed, "I know you didn't. Now just tell me why you asked Jayne to do your homework. I won't get mad at you; everybody deserves a second chance. If you give me a good enough reason, I will just have you write it again tomorrow morning. If you don't give me a good reason, detention or point deductions will be included. Now, Karen, why didn't do your own essay?" She shrugged a little, then replied in an emotional voice, "I'm not good at anything; I can't even do a simple spell! Sometimes I think I'm a Squib. That's why I ask other people to do my homework. Because if I don't, I'll fail. I don't want to, and my parents would kill me."

"That isn't a reason to do so. You're not a Squib. If you need help, why don't you go see a teacher?"

"Because they will judge me, especially in Potions. Snape would just laugh at me."

"You mean Professor Snape, dear. Anyway, if you ask politely and stop pretending to rule the world, the teachers and other students might respect you for who you are. Now, do you want help?" She nodded.

"How about this weekend, Saturday or Sunday, you come here, and I will help you a little with everything?" This made her go back to her stubborn mood.

"I'm capable of doing it myself."

After she said that, I studied her long and hard. Was she faking? Why the hell did she go back to her stubborn mood? Is she worth my time and frustration?

"Well then," I said in a cold voice, "if you don't need my help, I will see you tomorrow morning. Since you are capable of taking care of your own failing education, I will be expecting you prepared and with a notion of what we have learned." She left with a scowl on her face. I sighed. I am to expect her Saturday (tomorrow) morning so she can re-do her essay. An hour of my time. An hour of the time I could spend with Severus instead.

Twenty-sixth of November

Dear Diary,

Karen is so horrible! She has broken every last one of my nerves and took away every last bit of patience I had during that one hour! First, she came in late, of course, because she forgot. Bullshit. I gave her the papers for the essay, and she said, "This isn't the same essay."

"It's the same subject, just different questions. Is there a problem?" I asked slowly, while she frowned.

"No." I suspect she memorised all the answers to the original essay to pass. She spent one hour sighing, looking at her watch, and making noise, i.e. breaking my head in half! Then Severus came in, and as soon as he saw Karen, he backed away. I got out from behind my desk to bring him back.

"You CAN'T leave me here alone with her. She is killing me." He smiled evilly and replied, "You gave her the detention."

"So? She is breaking my last nerve with her sighing! Plus, couples stay together, for better or worse! Please stay?" I added with puppy eyes. He never could resist those, or so I thought…

"Don't do that face, it's controlling. Yes, we are a couple, but couples don't stay together with Karen Horton in the same room. So, I will see you in 30 minutes…" And he left me with chicken-head!

She continued her work, chuckling about Severus leaving me alone with her. When she finally finished, she handed me her papers. I started correcting when I noticed she was still there, watching over my shoulder.

"Karen," I said, "you can go…"

"I want to see my score." It took me fifteen minutes since there were a lot of errors. Not just regarding astronomy but grammar too, which meant she didn't really care about her grade; she just wanted to get away. I gave her back her essay with a low mark on it.

"You need a tutor, dear." She gave me a dark look; she probably thought I was doing that on purpose. She took the sheet and ran away. I sighed. Why does she have to be like that?

Twenty-eighth of November

Dear Diary,

It has been three amazing weeks, for my relationship with Severus. It's been going extremely well, everything is perfect, but perfect always comes down to bad. I am certain of this. One of my stupid weaknesses is that I get insecure, or I'm too paranoid that something bad will happen. It has been proven that sometimes I'm right. I love Severus; he loves me, but there's something missing. I don't know what. We have passed the three-week status, which means we are something. But I feel something is wrong. Maybe I want to know more about him, maybe he is keeping a secret from me, maybe it's the Lily factor and my senses are telling me something is wrong.

We were in the teacher's lounge today during our free period together. I was resting my head on his lap, while he was reading a book. It was quiet and romantic at the same time. I was almost falling asleep, when he marked his page, put the book on the table, took me in his arms and randomly started snogging me! I was a little surprised when he finally let go of me.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"Because I love you," he said, putting an arm around me. He's turning sweet! Hopefully he'll stay that way. But why is he? Again, my fears came upon me and I had to ask, "Do I know everything about you?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Do I know everything about you? No secrets kept from me?"

"No, why do ask me that?" he said, frowning.

"Because you know how I can get sceptical and make assumptions," I said, as he nodded. "Well, my feelings are telling me that you are hiding something from me. I don't know why, but they're telling me that. I'm still a little shaken by what happened with Sirius, and my feelings still aren't quite back to normal. I might seem like I am, but inside I'm not. So my feelings could just be misleading me... or are you really hiding something from me? I'm not accusing you; it's just I want to know if my feelings are right or not…" He absorbed the information like that and was thinking up something to say to make me feel better.

"You know me; I have no secrets hidden from you, not after the last time. Your feelings are probably thinking that I'm still the lying Severus. You're probably still upset about Black, who you thought would never lie to you but did. You probably think I'll do the same and break your heart. I love you, and I would never do that." He kissed me and then said, "Now, if your feelings are saying that, I think we should spend time apart…"

"NO! What for?" I loved being with him, every time I'm not, I wish I was near him. We can't do that!

"Well, your feelings doubt me, maybe they should take a break from that…it's for our own good."

"If you do that, I will break up with you now!" I was crying now. "Just because my feelings doubt you, doesn't mean we have to part. Do you even love me enough that you can still stay with me, even if my feelings are all around the place?"

"Yes, I do love you, but don't you think this might help your feelings to get back in balance? I came back into your life so fast when you were at breaking point."

"But you made me feel better! I have been so happy since you came back that I can't part with you!"

"Then," he said, looking clueless, "why are your feelings like this?" I started crying; I didn't know!

"Don't cry!" he said, holding me in his arms. "I didn't mean to hurt you! It's just I thought it might be for the best…Now I see it isn't!"

"I don't know my feelings anymore… but I know one thing for sure." Kissing my head, he asked,

"What is that?"

"I love you."


	10. This Is How We Fight And Make Up

He looked at me with an unemotional face. But his eyes were glittering.

"Severus, I love you...I know I do!"

"I know you do. Now, are you sure you don't want to take a break for your feelings, for us?"

"Yes, I'm sure I don't want to part!" He looked sceptical for a second, and then said,

"We'll see how it goes, and if you still feel insecure about us by next week, we'll have to do something..."

"WHY?" Did he really not want to see me or what?

"I don't want you to be uncomfortable with us; I want you to be ready and comfortable. I wanted us to do this when you spoke of going too fast. I don't want you to be unhappy."

"I'm not unhappy; I'm just confused, well, my feelings are..."

"That's the problem! I want your feelings to be settled and not all over the place before we go any further." He was right; I couldn't fight with him anymore. It was better for the both of us. But I didn't want to part with him!

"How about," I said slowly, "we spend a normal week, and if I still feel this way, we shall do the parting thing. BUT ONLY at the end of the week? Is that ok?" He nodded and said,

"All I want is you to be happy and loved by me in a proper way. I don't want us to have to do this either." I smiled weakly. He does want the best for me.

* * *

Severus was trying to correct papers, but he just couldn't. She kept coming back into his mind. He didn't know what to do with her. He wanted her to be happy and comfortable with their relationship, but ever since they had had the "fast" talk, she was being paranoid. She thought he was hiding something from her, and she was right. But he pretended he wasn't. For her sake and his.

He wanted her to take a break from him so she could at least have a moment's peace from love. It would be better for her nerves, but she was claiming she couldn't be without him. Did she really love him or what she just trying to get over Black by using him/ using him to try and get over Black? Maybe her feelings for him weren't true, and that's what her heart was saying to her. He loved her and did everything he could and just after three weeks it failed.

Three weeks, he thought, had it been that short? It felt like they had been together for ages. All the love, gifts, moments and even snogs that they had had, all of it, in three weeks? They had lasted three years before, why couldn't it work the same this time? He could never have Lily, so he wanted this one, but not more than Lily Evans. He had to do something, and the only thing he could come up with was time apart? He didn't want to lose her, and he almost did by proposing that idea.

There was only one thing left he could do...

* * *

Third of December

Dear Diary,

It has been a week since we talked about my feelings, and I have to say I have chosen what I want. I chose this by considering what could happen in my future, my life and how I really feel about Severus. I was ready to restart and come back to life. My feelings are now in order. I didn't even need the parting time, since Severus and I didn't really speak to each other this week. So I went down to his quarters to tell him the news.

I knocked, and he opened the door to let me in. He showed me into his living room. I sat on the chair, as he sat in front of me. I took a deep breath and said,

"I came here to tell you something, an important decision."

"I have something to say too." He did? I was curious to hear what it was...

"Well...um...you start."

"No," he said gently. He looked sad. "You go first. I want to hear what your feelings are..."

"Why don't we do it together?" He smiled a little; my childish behaviour did work!

"Sure," he replied. I counted to three and we said,

"Severus, I love you and I want to stay with you."

"We should break up."

Then we both screamed, "WHAT?!"

"You do love me!" he said.

"You want to leave me?!" I cried. At this point, my feelings were almost back to coming undone. I thought he loved me! Why did he want to leave me? Was it the fact he loved Lily too much? Why is he so surprised that I do love him?


	11. Little Weekend Holiday Part 1

He looked at me with a happy face.

"You do love me!"

"Well DUH!" I said, tears almost coming out. "WHY DO YOU WANT TO BREAK-UP?"

"I thought...you weren't really in love with me. I thought you just used me to get over Black and your feelings were saying that you could move on. I thought you couldn't love me because I was always going to love Lily." He looked pretty embarrassed. "So, when you came in, you didn't look too happy, and I thought my predictions were right. So I decided to say that." It did make sense, but why does he always have to jump to conclusions?

"Severus...I can't believe you think I would treat you like that. I love you so much it hurts. You know how I know this? Because we haven't spoken since Monday, and I have been longing for you! It hurts being away from you and I can't bear it! I love you, I really do! It doesn't have anything to do with Sirius or Lily; I thought you knew that. I'm sorry if I couldn't make up my feelings, it's just because I have been in changes too fast too soon and all my feelings for stuff was fifty percent certain. They still are, but I know one thing that is a hundred ... I love you."

"Me too...well…you know what I mean" he replied and kissed me long; when he stopped, it left me wanting more.

"Why do we have stupid problems like this?" I asked.

"I have no clue." I giggled as he kissed my head.

Fifth of December

Dear Diary,

Do you know what Severus did to me this weekend? He brought me to see the Malfoys! It all started Saturday morning when I got a letter from him saying:

_Dearest Nathalie,_

_Pack your bags! We are going to spend a weekend together out of Hogwarts! I shall see you at my office for departure, near 10:00 A.M._

_Yours, forever and for always,_

_Severus_

I was so excited; I packed the essentials and went off to his office. We greeted each other and then headed off to the gates, to Apparate on the other side. I held his arm as he Apparted before a giant mansion, full of ivory and surrounded by gardens.

"Where are we?" I asked, amazed. "Is this another 'Paid for by Malfoy' place?"

"This is his place." I looked at him furiously as I exclaimed my feelings out loud.

"_WHAT_? YOU TOOK ME TO THAT JACKASS' PLACE?" He laughed and said:

"Just for the weekend..."

"I thought this was a _romantic_ weekend!" Malfoy doesn't equal _romantic_ at all; he equals _disgusting_ _pig_.

"He offered for me to stay here for the weekend, with you. It's just for a weekend; he just wants to have a little school reunion." I turned around and said:

"_No_, bye." He got my arm.

"Do this...for _me_?" I sighed and replied:

"_Fine_. For _you_. But _one thing_, ONE THING, and I'm gone. You know how much I hate him." He smiled at me as he opened the metal gates. We made our way through a giant path walk covered by snow, as I mumbled curses under my breath. "_Why here?" _I asked myself. "_Why does it have to be Malfoy? Why is it always Malfoy? _Maybe because he trusts Malfoy and maybe you should too," said the little voice in my head. Yeah right, when hags fly!

Severus pushed a magical doorbell, and a few minutes after, a weird-looking house elf opened the door.

"Master Snape, Master Malfoy has been expecting you and your guest. Come in..." He moved to let us through. There was a big golden and silver entrance with two big staircases that met at the top. Various doors were on our side, along with pictures of different people, who where talking to each other while looking at Severus and myself.

"Don't fret and act normal. You know how Malfoy can be..." he murmured in my ear.

"A giant asshole?" I said as soon as Lucius Malfoy came through a doorway to see us. He stopped and sighed.

"I see you haven't changed, Nathalie," he said with a grin. "Same hatefulness towards a man who doesn't deserve it."

"It's _Miss McGonagall_ for you information, _Lucius_."

"Ah, ah, ah, if you call me Lucius, it's Nathalie for me." The fucker. Playing with my ways of being. Then, down the stairs came my worst enemy, Narcissa Malfoy. I call her Cinderella Slut and Malfoy is her Perverted Prince. They just disgust me, both of them, and I had to spend a weekend with them! Malfoy turned around to get his wife's hand, looking down her dress. Figures.

"You know Narcissa, my wife?"

"Sadly..." Narcissa observed me, looking up and down at what I was wearing and how I looked.

"Still the same pathetic girl." I smiled and said sarcastically:

"Still the same old bitch." Narcissa rolled her eyes at me. It wasn't _proper_ for a woman! The men were sensing our tension and Malfoy spoke:

"Let's put our old rivalries aside and be friends." Never, would I ever do that!

I looked to Severus who was saying, "Do it for me." So I did it..._for him_.

"Whatever..." I said as we shook hands for two seconds. Severus and Malfoy smiled and the host said:

"Dobby, bring our guests' bags up to their room. Why don't I show you the manor?"

"Fine..." I said while sighing. This was all for Severus and he owed me _a lot_. We started with the main rooms, the three living rooms, four dining rooms, the big drawing room and other places. Narcissa kept giving me a dark look during the whole trip.

After the tour, we were sitting down in one of the various living rooms. The men were talking about business, while we women were giving hateful stares to each other. I couldn't bring myself to speak nicely to them, even if the manor _was_ nice. Then we had lunch in one of the various dining rooms. After we were all done, they finally left us to walk around as we pleased before dinner. Severus asked me to have a walk with him in the outside gardens.

We walked silently in their giant backyard full of snow without sharing any words. He sensed that I _really_ **wasn't** _pleased_ to be there. So he asked:

"Are you mad at me?"

"No," I said roughly.

"Then why aren't you, your silly chatterbox self?" I sat on a bench covered with snow and replied:

"Because I do not wish to be here. I thought this was going to be a romantic get-away somewhere in the country, not where my worst enemies live." He smiled weakly.

"I wanted them to see how much you mean to me and how much we are perfect together, so I could prove to Lucius that I do treat you right, how right you are for me and how much we love each other."

"_Why_ do you care so much about Lucius consent? He isn't part of _our_ relationship."

"Because he's my friend and wants the best for me." I couldn't believe that really, I couldn't.

We stayed in the gardens for some minutes, as he was holding me in his arms. Then, we moved to the extraordinary library. It was mostly Dark Arts works, but I had found some rare non-evil book that I could read. We sat on a couch and read for the rest of the afternoon, sometimes sharing passages from books. I must say, Malfoy's library isn't _that_ bad.

Dobby came in, telling us that dinner was going to be served in about fifteen minutes. We were also to dress accordingly. I hadn't brought a proper dress with me and I wasn't going to wear Narcissa's clothes. So, Dobby took us to our rooms. Well mostly, our _room_. Malfoy had only set up _one_ room for us, to share. It had a four poster bed with ivory curtains and a connected bathroom. It was nice indeed, but we weren't going to share that room; I bet you anything it was set up for Malfoy's pig of an imagination.

As soon as Severus saw it and got the meaning, he asked me if I wanted him to ask Malfoy to give me a separate room.

"No," I said, "I won't bother his imagination some more. I'll just sleep on the couch."

"No, I will..."

"No, you can develop back problems, which results in more stress."

"But you're the guest..." We didn't know what to do so we decided just to have supper and talk about this later. Severus had brought my blue dress he bought me, knowing we would have to do this fancy dinner. He really thinks of everything!

We came down for dinner, and our hosts were there, in high-priced robes. Narcissa's dress was white and covered in sparkles, and it had V-shaped cleavage, so you know were the men were looking. Even Severus was looking; I had to turn his head a couple of time. We had a five course dinner, during which I got lost with all the forks and knives. My family is pure-blood, but not that fancy! I never used etiquette nor did I learn it in my life! Severus seemed to know it, since he was a frequent visitor there. Near the end of the dinner, Dobby came in with a letter in his hand for Malfoy, of course. After reading it, Malfoy got up and said:

"I have an errand to run tomorrow morning, so I sadly won't be joining you for breakfast. So you will have to have it without me."

"Isn't that to bad," I mumbled sarcastically, as Severus smiled.

"And," Malfoy added pretending not to have heard me, "it might take a long period of the day, and Narcissa will do her usual Sunday shopping, so you two might be alone. Severus, would you take care of...?"

"Yes, yes of course," he replied looking down at his plate. Before I could ask, the Malfoys got up and excused themselves. It was getting late, and we still hadn't resolved the bedroom issue. So we went up hand in hand, after the other couple. We got in the bedroom and as he closed the door, I asked:

"So who's sleeping where?" He looked at me and asked:

"Where do you want to sleep?"

"I don't really care...as long as I can sleep on it." He sat on the chair un-doing his shirt a little, to breathe.

"Well, we could share the bed..."

"Sure. When I was with Sirius, we had a small house and we had to share the same bedroom and bed. Only thing...do you snore?" He laughed and replied no. I went into the bathroom to change and he took the bedroom. I joined him in bed and I read for a while, while he was correcting some reports. After twenty minutes, we kissed each other good night and went to bed.


	12. Little Weekend Holiday Part 2

It isn't that bad sleeping beside somebody else. Sirius use to snore and move a whole hell of a lot. Severus is pretty calm; he may mumble stuff, but other than that, he's quiet. A couple of times, he put his arm around me, cuddled up to me or said my name in his sleep. I had a pretty nice sleep, with his comforting presence; it made the whole Malfoy thing go away.

Shifting weight in bed woke me up. Severus was getting up. I looked at the clock; it was seven in the morning!

"What are you doing?" I asked, lifting my head to see. I could hear some noise on the other side of the door.

"I'm getting up. You can stay in bed if you want."

"Getting up? Its Sunday morning why don't you sleep-in with me?" I said, patting the empty space beside me. He laughed and replied:

"Go back to sleep. I have something to do." He kissed me and I went back to sleep, only to be woken up again about two hours later, by a jumping ball of energy. I was having a sweet dream, when I started to hear voices in the room.

"...She pretty. When you gonna marry her?"

"Draco, get off the bed, you'll wake her up. I'm not going to marry her yet."

"She come outside and play with? Please Uncle Snape?" I opened slightly my eyes to see a blonde hair little boy, about one, jumping on my bed. Malfoy had an offspring? Ew. But, he was cute and compared to his parents, he liked me.

"Don't you see she's asleep? Now I have my coat, let's go."

"Ok." The little ball of energy got off the bed and I heard the door open. I got my head off the pillow and mumbled:

"Severus..." I looked up to see him holding the door with the Little Lucius Malfoy between his legs smiling.

"Look what you did, Draco, you woke her," he said, looking mad at Draco.

"I was already awake anyways, what time is it?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"Almost nine...Draco get back here!" The boy had come and jumped back on my bed and said with a smile:

"Me, Draco Malfoy. Who you?" I laughed, he reminded me of Harry, learning how to speak. He was probably the same age too. I smiled and said:

"I'm Nathalie." Severus came and picked him up as he said:

"Sorry, he can be very un-controllable." I now caught what Lucius meant by "Taking care of..."

"It's ok. I had to take care of Harry Potter, since he was my god-child."

"Same here," he replied. "I'm Draco's godfather. I had to wake up early since he is a morning person." He took Draco in his arms and said:

"You want to go outside or not? Yes or no, ya...ya," he said, tickling him as the child laughed. I really don't see why he would be a bad father; Draco seems to love him!

"Can she come?" They both looked at me and I said:

"Of course, just let me get dressed." Draco got out of Severus' grip, came, hugged me, and screamed with joy. They left me to get dressed and I came out with them to play in the snow.

The child was running around like crazy, full of energy, and even if his parents were jerks, he was extremely sweet. He reminded me so much of Harry. I was sitting on a bench with Severus as Draco made a miniature snowman. I placed my arm around Severus and leaned my head on his shoulder.

"I didn't know the Malfoys had a child or that he was your god-son."

"Many people don't know the last part since Lucius only gave me the title since nobody else wanted it. Even Narcissa doesn't know; she thinks it should be a pureblood that should take care of her son. But she doesn't mind me, I mean, it isn't that bad."

"I don't see how you say you'll be a bad father. He seems to adore you, and you two seem much attached to each other."

"Well, I'm the only one who actually seems to care about him. Lucius in the bottom of his heart cares. But he doesn't really find time to spend with Draco; neglecting him. I'm sure he'll see it eventually. Narcissa loves him to death; she'd do anything for him. She spends all the time she can with him. Some weekends, I come only for Draco."

"See, if you have kids, you'll be a great father." But he didn't hear me, as Draco needed help putting the head on the snowman.

The rest of the weekend wasn't bad, because of Draco's presence. It was quite fun this afternoon, but I didn't like the parts with the hosts. I actually would like to go back with Severus, but just for Draco. It's a shame he's a Malfoy and that he'll probably turn into a jerk when he's older. I guess life isn't all that fair, even at a young age.

Tenth of December

Dear Diary,

I haven't actually realized it, but it's been more than a month, for Severus and me's relationship. Nor did I realize that in prison, you could have visitors. This morning during mail time, not only did I receive my usual love letter from Severus, but a letter from Azkaban! I was asking myself, what would they want? I opened it and read:

_Dear Miss McGonagall,_

_We are notifying you of a request made by a prisoner. Sirius Black, murderer of twelve innocent people, has made a request for an audience at his cell. Also, he did request you to come alone. Security shall be imposed, if you decide to proceed with this request._

_If you decide to proceed, we need a reply of your plans, before three days, after tomorrow. If you decline this order, or don't reply before, you shall not be able to see this prisoner again. This is for your security._

_Please note our sentiments,_

_Nathaniel Jones,_

_Ministry of Magic, Azkaban Prison_

My first thought was that Sirius actually wanted to see me! Even after all he inflicted me with! But then I thought, what is my duty to him? Should I go or should I not? Just hearing from him and that he actually had the nerve to ask me to him, after what he did, made me cry. I put down the letter, as tears came down my face. Severus kept demanding to know what was wrong, but I wouldn't say anything. It was too painful, so I just pointed at the letter. He read it, and then out of nowhere, yanked me out the door behind the High Table. As soon as we were in the corridor, he held out his arms, for me to crash and cry.

At that point, I didn't know what to do. My feelings were back in Wonderland as I cried my head out. I didn't want to see him, but if I did, would it help my feelings? If I went and told him how I felt and how mad I was, would it make me better? Or if I did, would he try to tell me lies, and try to make me free him, even if he was guilty? But, worse than all that, if I did go, would I fall back in love with him? But, all I really needed was somebody to comfort me and hold me tight.

Then, the door opened and I heard footsteps, and Mother's voice said:

"What is wrong?" I felt Severus' arm stretch out to give her the letter. There was a moment of silence, and the paper was passed, apparently Mother was with somebody. Then Dumbledore's voice said:

"What are you going to do?"


	13. What Shall I Do

I turned my head to look at them and replied:

"I have no fucking clue about what to do right now. I don't feel like I should even see his face after what he did, but maybe I should…I don't know." I went back to crying on Severus' shoulder.

"Why," Severus asked me, "do you say you should, when he hurt you?" I shook my head and shrugged my elbows; I really didn't know! "I mean he's a murderer and you know it!"

"Severus, I don't think that's the case," said Dumbledore, "If her instincts are telling her she should, maybe they are right."

"But, her instincts have been wrong a few times, and isn't it dangerous?" asked Mother.

"It shouldn't be, the prison has strict security and the…dementors."

"I don't want her near him point, you never know what he could do," said Severus. "He's mad and probably doesn't know what he's doing, asking for the audience. I just don't want to lose you again," he said, looking down at me.

"In the end, the choice is hers and hers only." They were all looking at me, I felt intimidated. Two of them wanted me safe and sound back here and one of them wanted me to go! The only think I could say was:

"I'll think about it…"

"Good," exclaimed Dumbledore. "Now, I wish you would go back and teach classes. They're about to start." I said bye to them and got out of Severus' grip.

I think Severus is right, Sirius might not know what he's doing. The Ministry laid down laws declaring prisoners who are at Azkaban are considered mad after two months, and I don't know if Sirius is mad or not. It might be dangerous. I do have until the end of the weekend to think about it.

Eleventh of December

Dear Diary,

I have made up my mind about this _invitation_. I seriously think that I shouldn't see him. I don't know what he could do. He could change my feelings again or even worse, kill me! He could even make me fall for him again, using Dark spells. He's better left alone and he doesn't deserve to see me. He lost everything that night and that includes me. My mind made up, I went to tell Severus.

After I had sat down and explained my reasons, I found him extremely happy about my decision. He was scared I might go and put my life in danger. He really cares for me, and I also think he doesn't want me to start having feeling for Sirius and leave him. He is the sweetest and best boyfriend a girl could have!

Twelfth of December

Dear Diary,

Today, Severus and I were talking and I think he is thinking of settling with me, because he was asking me all sorts of questions about my life. He was asking me about what kind of life I wanted, wedding and everything! I'm actually quite happy, because I do feel ready to be with him. It's has been a month yes, but I know inside he's the _one_.I did say two months, but we already have dated for three years! I feel this connection with him, which I never did with Sirius.

Anyways, I told him I wanted a _loving_, _caring_ and _loyal_ husband, a well-sized house and _a_ _lot_ of kids. I always wanted children, three, four or even five, if we could afford or have them. I think it comes from having a lonely childhood. I was an only child because my parents couldn't have another one. Also, my parents both worked, I was living in a _school_ for half my life and it was, after a while, _very_ lonely. I remember telling this to Sirius, and joy came all over him, but this isn't the case for Severus. I asked him what he wanted and…

"A decent paying job, nice house with not too much fancy stuff and a loving girl."

"No kids?" I asked. He sighed and said in a slow voice:

"Nathalie, _we have been over this_…"

"But, you still didn't answer me properly. Now, why don't you want children?"

"The father part didn't hint you?"

"Nope," I said in a childish voice. He rolled his eyes.

"Children hate me and I hate children. If I had some, they would just loathe me and would hate me forever since they wouldn't look so handsome…"

"So? Who cares about looks! They'll just have to find somebody like me!"

"But you're rare…"

"And about children hating you, that's a lie. I bet you, you have students who like you, and Draco…doesn't he count? He likes you a lot and you do too!"

"He's a different case."

"If you adopted? They wouldn't look like you…"

"They'd still hate me! Why do you want children so badly? They can be a headache and babies smell…"

"Not all the time." It was typical Severus, to think babies smell. He can be so ignorant sometimes. "I always wanted children, because when I was young, I felt lonely and hated it…"

"I liked being lonely…"

"…And I always wish I had a brother or sister to have fun with…"

"…I didn't even want to have parents; they just ruined my life, point…"

"…So that's why I want to have kids, because I won't be so lonely and I don't want to only have one and make his or her life miserable like mine. Lonely and sad, until he or she went to Hogwarts."

"…So I don't want kids, because if my parents were like the plague to me, I don't want my children to suffer too." I really don't see his whole point. I just think he's scared of parenthood. Ah well, if he marries me, he'll have to get over it! Then, he asked me, to change the subject:

"Want kind of lifestyle do you want?"

"Anything that's affordable for my husband and myself, that's also liveable and simple. I don't want a big mansion like the Malfoys or a poor house. Just in the middle, I am not picky."

"So I've seen," I laughed as he asked, "Big wedding or not?" That was the thing that hinted me to the fullest that he was thinking to marry me.

"I never actually envisioned something majestic, just mostly traditional. The white gown, flowers, pictures, cakes…the usual. Always, in spring, when flowers grow and the grass is green and it's nice outside. Not in a church, outside or a private room, family and friends and I always wanted it to be beautiful…why?"

"Oh nothing…just curious…" He was absorbed at looking at the table in front of us.

It is so funny to see him be like that…never really wanted to say neither his feelings nor what he thought about me. I knew him too well, and when it was something very personal, he didn't really like to say it. But this time he loves me; and he wants to be with me…I hope!

Sixteenth of December

Dear Diary,

Severus took me to a nice romantic restaurant for supper today. It's in London, run by squibs and it's extremely good. I have been to it a lot of times and to go with my _boyfriend_ was very nice. After having a nice dinner, we took a walk around the town. It was a nice night, with some snow falling down, very romantic. We were walking and talking when _he_ stopped in front of a jewellery store. _He_ actually was looking at _engagement_ _rings_, asking me which one I liked out of _curiosity_. I showed him the vintage ones, those are my favourite. My mother has the same sort of ring with a square cut diamond with a diamond-incrusted band. Well, she has a diamond and ruby incrusted band, but that's not the point. It's that _he_ _wanted to look at some engagement rings._

I really am getting the feeling that he wants to marry me. If I am wrong, well he must really be thinking about it, because what man wants to talk about rings and lifestyles, just like that? None I know! But, I'm glad he waited until we were ok with each other, because if after a week of dating me, he was talking about rings, I would have gone coucou! But, I did say two months, so why is he going early? Maybe he has the same feeling has me, or is going to propose when it will be two months exactly? Why am I going crazy about this and why I'm making this assumption? I mean maybe he isn't thinking of marrying me. Well, I won't put my hopes too high…just in case.

* * *

The woman was correcting and reading some Transfiguration books, when upon her door came a knock.

"Enter," she said to the person on the other side of the door. Through the door came her daughter's boyfriend. "_What does he want?"_ she asked herself.

"Hello, Severus…What may I do for you?" He sat in front of her desk and said:

"I wanted to ask you a personal question…" She took off her glasses; this could be serious.

"What is it? Did something happen between you and Nathalie?" He turned pale and said:

"Well, she's the reason I came, but nothing happened…"

"Well what is it then?" Snape sat up straight and took a deep breath and blurted out:

"I wanted to have your permission to marry her."


	14. Yes, No, Maybe So

McGonagall looked stunned and felt quite dizzy. She had just been asked a question, which never in her life did she imagine she'd have to answer. _**He**__ had just_ _**asked**_ _for_ _her_ _permission_ _**to**_ _**marry**_ _her_ _**daughter**_. Didn't they just get back together? Was this what they wanted? Was this what her daughter wanted? So she asked:

"Did you two speak of this? Isn't it too early?" Snape replied in a slow voice:

"We have kind of spoken about this, yes. We both feel that we are ready and in love enough to go through with it. Though she might have not said it, I know she feels it." The woman got out of her chair, she needed to walk and relax. This wasn't something she had thought about doing, and now she felt why her husband went nuts every time a boy was around their daughter. She turned around and asked:

"Do you love her? I mean love by you could never be without her…"

"Yes; I love her," the boyfriend replied.

"Do you think she loves you and will expect this? Does she even know about you proposing?"

"I really do believe she does love me with the same intensity and I'm a hundred percent sure she will expect this. I have been giving signs all week long, and she has seen them and has not approached me about it. But, she doesn't know I'm planning to propose."

McGonagall was uneasy about this. Her daughter was all she had left and she wanted the best for her. Severus and Nathalie had only gone out for a month at the least and it wasn't a lot. He _had_ assured her they were happy, in love and ready for commitment.

"If I were to say yes…would you treat her with all the fairness in the world? Love her until death? Be there for her? Be loyal to her and fulfil her needs? And most important- not leave her?" She wanted to know if Snape was going to be like his father and leave his wife, broken to pieces.

"Yes," he said angrily, catching the drift about his father. "I will not be like my filthy father."

"Good." She thought for a while, and then decided on a verdict. "I shall give you my answer, once I have spoken to her about this. I want to know if she is ready and in love enough to be married to you." But before she could even finish, he had shouted:

"NO! You mustn't do that! I want it to be a surprise, you can't tell her!"

"I cannot give you an answer without her thoughts on it. I'm sorry because it will be no…" He was racing through his mind thinking about a way he could still make the proposal a surprise and Minerva could ask her daughter

"I have an idea. Today, she thinks I'm going to see Lucius Malfoy but I'm actually ring shopping. She will probably stop by to spend the day with you. During whatever you guys are going to do, you could ask her discreetly what she thinks, without giving it away." She thought for a minute then said:

"Deal. I shall give you my verdict at the end of the day…" Before she could finish her sentence, the door opened and the person in question was standing there.

"Severus? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to see Malfoy?" He got up and said:

"Your mother had to tell me something first…" and just like that, Nathalie fell for it.

"I shall meet with you in the evening to discuss your classes again." McGonagall said, as the man walked out the door, kissing her child.

* * *

Eighteenth of December

Dear Diary,

Severus is going to the Malfoys today; apparently he has something important to do with Lucius…so he's leaving me alone for the _whole_ day! But, I went to see Mother and when I opened the door, he was in there talking with her. After they saw me, he left for the Malfoys and I was left for a whole afternoon with Mother.

We had decided to go Christmas shopping since there's seven days until the big day. We had fun, and lots of it. It was the first time we had bonded since before Halloween, it was quite nice. I had noticed, though, that even if we were having fun, she was uneasy. She seemed to be holding something back, like a secret she couldn't tell me. But I learned she was really scared for my relationship with Severus.

After I had came out of the Potion store, after buying Severus' Christmas present, she had asked me why I loved him.

"I love him because he loves me. Everyday, I come in looking for him, because he brings me joy and happiness, even more than Sirius ever did. I love him more than I ever did with anybody else, I can't even part him for a minute without missing him terribly. At this moment I think of him and miss his embrace. I miss his sarcastic but sweet attitude, his crooked nose that I love and I miss his love. He made me see a whole different side to me and made me see that I shouldn't still be in love with Sirius after what he did. He might hurt me before but he has proven himself to be worthy to care for me."

She looked at me and said:

"You really do love him and want to be with him don't you?"

"Yes." I replied. "Why do you ask?"

"It's just that you two seem to be going fast and wedding bells might ring soon and I want to know if you're ready for all of this change."

"I am more then ready and I don't even feel the need to take my time like with Sirius. If it makes you better, I won't leave you anytime soon." She laughed and said:

"I know you won't…"

For the rest of the day she seemed quite happy and was smiling a lot. But I still don't know what got into her, to ask me such questions.

* * *

Minerva McGonagall came into her office, tired from the afternoon she had passed with her daughter. She had made up her mind and had a verdict to give to Snape. She waited for a while until she heard a knock on the door. It was, of course, Snape. She made him sit and said:

"I have my verdict, but before, we still have unresolved issues in our hands. First and for most, if you two get married, where will you live?"

"I live with my mother at the moment but…"

"Eileen is still alive? I thought she had passed away," she interjected, confused.

"Well, she is still alive and I had told Nathalie that out of anger, but she is very sick. I live with her, but I have been searching for an apartment and I have found one in an ad that will be great if we can get married."

"Next, when do you plan on asking her and marrying her?"

"I planned to ask her during Christmas break, and marrying her in spring, which is when she wants to get married." The woman thought for a moment, then said:

"I give you my verdict: you may have her. You make her happier than I have ever seen and I want her to be like this forever. I really see the passion you have for each other and the need to be together." Snape started thanking her a thousand times, but she stopped him and asked:

"Have you found a ring yet?" He sighed and said sadly:

"No, the sorts she wants are all too expensive for me."

"_Nathalie __**actually**__ had a ring style in her head? She __**really**__ wanted to marry him_," her mother thought.

"What kind is it?"

"The same sort you have…but also I wanted to know what are you doing for Christmas? Because I wanted to ask her and if you are seeing family…"

"Yes we are, but we can arrange those matters, even regarding the ring," she said with a smile as Snape sat back in his chair.


	15. The Question

Twentieth of December

Dear Diary,

Christmas vacation has started, and the students are gone. Mother is throwing a big Christmas party back at home, inviting her side of the family and Father's, in his memory. She was also actually urging me to invite Severus along, so he can meet the family. As soon as I asked him, he was delighted to come. We have just arrived back home. Mother put Severus in the room far from mine. "So nothing happens under my roof", as she put it. I told her we weren't going to; she said that in the spirit of the holidays we might… she is incredibly out there.

Severus really likes the house. He says it is very Victorian-styled, apparently he likes that era's style. He's also enjoyed my old bedroom; my mom has left everything intact. I showed him my purple walls; all covered with posters of pictures. The picture wall was where I had all my pictures and I showed him my secret hiding place; under a board of the floor. It was where I kept all of Severus' letters and pictures of us together. He thought it was quite charming and reflected my personality perfectly. We are going to the village so he can see where I grew up. I really feel like the Christmas is going to be exciting!

Twenty-third of December

Dear Diary,

Christmas is coming! I can't wait until Severus sees my gift! I bought him a full Potion set! From what I have seen, he really needs a new one. It has bottles, tubes, sorters, books, ingredients and more. He really will love me after that! When I asked him, as a joke, what was my Christmas gift, he started to act weird, really nervous in a way. I have no clue of what his intentions are for my gift, but to make him this nervous it means it's big!

We have been spending most of our time together, helping Mother with the festivities, in the library snogging or talking, in the living room snogging or talking, or at the village in the little restaurant he likes. But he has been acting strange too, the same way he did with my gift. He keeps saying "I love you" every second. I mean I don't mind, I actually love it, but he really has been nervous around me. I think he needs to just relax and stop thinking of whatever it is that's making him so nervous.

On the other hand, _Draco_ has invited _us_ for a Boxing Day dinner. Severus replied by saying _we_ would be delighted to come. The boy is so sweet and adorable. Also, _apparently_ Severus' mother _isn't_ dead, and she is inviting Severus, Mother and I for a New Year's Eve party. It has been a long time since I have seen his mother. The last time I saw her was during my fifth- to sixth-year summer, when I had pretended to stay at Lily's house but actually stayed at Severus'. But they were practically neighbours; they lived in the same area so it wasn't that bad. We haven't actually told Mother she's coming to see Eileen, she thinks it's a normal party.

She never wanted to see Eileen again after they had a major fight about Severus' father. Mother knew he was no good and tried to talk her out of marrying him. He was a greedy who just wanted to marry Eileen because she was pregnant with _his_ child, Severus, and because Eileen had magical powers that would give him money. Eileen didn't believe Mother because she was in love, and then the best friends became enemies. But Mother was right, and after Eileen lost Severus' father, Eileen felt very guilty.

That explains Severus' attitude towards people. The reason he's mean most of the time is so people can get away from him. I really do feel bad for him, having had such a terrible childhood, and I'm here to make it all better, by giving him the love and support nobody else ever wanted to give him… well Lily did before me. Lily was there when he was younger; they met before Hogwarts actually and were friends. She use to tell me all the times they'd meet at the park and talk about magical stuff… he really can be sweet. Speaking of sweet, Severus wants to go outside to take a walk.

Twenty-Fourth of December

Dear Diary,

Today is Christmas Eve; and tonight is the big party. I can't wait until Severus sees my family and gift. I hope he likes it along with my family and that they like him back. They liked Sirius, but I'm not sure they will approve of Severus, because he seems to be a Dark Art type. Also, they know about his parents and what happened between my mother and his. But, if they don't like him, I won't really care since the choice to stay with him is really mine and mine alone. I love him, and he's mine to keep or not, even if my family doesn't approve.

Anyways, I have spent the whole day helping Mother with decorations alongside Severus. We put up the Christmas tree together, and I just finished helping Mother with setting the table. The guests are set to arrive any time, and I still haven't found anything festive to wear. I want to wear something red, but I only have the nice blue dress that Severus bought for me… Wait! I forgot I could change the colour! How could I be _so_ stupid! I am a witch after all!

Twenty-Fifth of December

Dear Diary,

After I finished getting prepared, I came down stairs. I had my hair up in a loose bun, with curls falling in front of my face; the blue dress was now red with matching jewellery. I saw Severus was in formal black robes, sitting nervously in a chair with his hand in his pocket, fingering something. I came down silently and said, "What are you doing?"

He got up like a rocket and said with amazement, "You look beautiful tonight."

His hair was hiding his eyes from me, and he looked even gloomier than before. I pushed it back behind his ears and said with a smile, "Now, you do too…"

He kissed me before I could even say anything more and then he took off and said, "I love you, you know that?" I nodded and kissed him back as Mother came in, dressed in Scottish robes, and exclaimed:

"Stop kissing, our guests will be here any minute." She went to the living room to wait for the Apparating guests. Severus started to be nervous again and I said to reassure him while adjusting his collar:

"Don't fret, they'll love you…"

"Easy for you to say…"

My mother's side of the family arrived first. They had all Apparated together. I had my Grandmother Maria and Grandfather Edward along with my four aunts and their husbands. Aunt Pandora and Uncle Gary came with a pregnant Dana and a still lonesome Clinton, my cousins. Aunt Hera and Uncle James came with my annoying snobby cousin Jamie-Lynn, who had finally married; she reminds me of Karen sometimes… Aunt Diana came alone after losing her husband in the war, but my cousin Mathew came, since Jean was occupied in France. Aunt Hestia and Uncle Sydney came with the twins Courtney and Bert, who are the same age as me; I was happy to see them, we are very close. Out of my cousins, Jaime-Lynn, Dana, Jean and Bert are married; they brought their partners with them, but Dana is the only one who is starting a family. She's six months away from having the baby. The rest are all dating, but only Courtney brought her boyfriend.

Then, my father's side came in; they were the side most affected by the Dark Lord's doing, since most of them were Aurors. My mother's side is composed mainly of the bookworms, and my father's side is more of the action people.

My uncle, Billie Joe, lost my aunt, but his kids are still alive and present. Aunt Ebony and Uncle Cosme didn't lose anyone, but my cousin Jacek is unformed. Uncle Adam is dead; my Aunt Reina is in a depression, and last but not least my favourite aunt and uncle, Aunt Phoebe and Uncle Septime. Aunt Phoebe was a lot like my dad; she copied him in everything, so she became an Auror. But instead of dying, she fell off a building, fighting Death Eaters, and she fell on her back, which paralysed her. She can still do magic, but she has to spend the rest of her days in a Flying-Chair. Uncle Septime, he didn't have any wounds nor did my three cousins. All of those cousins are married, because they are all older than me. I actually saw my grand cousin, Elizabeth, who is only five and very cute with blonde hair and blue eyes, which are dominant traits on that side of the family. It's where I got my eyes. Then, last came my Grandfather Richard and my Grandmother Jane.

Some of them had known Severus, and were kind of stunned that I was with him. Apparently he isn't _my_ _type_… My grandparents were excited to meet my new man, and it seems my Grandfather Edward is keeping an eye on him, apparently he seems "very close to this girl, in a _playful_ way". He has always been like that, very protective of his daughter, nieces and grand daughters. Actually, Aunt Phoebe loves Severus; she likes mysterious types of guys and that she can have a decent conversation with him, compared to Sirius, who was always making stupid jokes. But I did tell her he was mine to keep. Actually, they all find him mature compared to Sirius, and it seemed to please him to hear that.

We had dinner in the large dining room, all talking and laughing. Severus had his hand on my leg, while conversing with my Uncle Septime. My Grandfather Edward had spotted his hand and said:

"Well, some people are frisky tonight. Why don't you just get married now?" I laughed while Severus got his hand off my leg and flushed.

"We are not getting married yet, he hasn't even proposed yet!" My whole family stared at him and me and then my Aunt Ebony said:

"You two aren't engaged?" I shook my head in a no, "I thought… oh, not _yet_…"

"What do you mean by _yet_?" But nobody answered as Mother announced dessert. I wanted to know what was going on, but before I could, my favourite dessert came out, and I forgot about everything. After we had dessert it was tea time, and Severus said that he loved my family, they were all very nice. It made me smile; he actually _liked_ people for once! After that, it was time for presents, probably my favourite moment of the whole night.

We were giving gifts left, right and centre; some of my family actually had bought gifts for Severus and you could see he was _very_ touched. But, he was more pleased with my gift, which had him screaming for joy as soon as he saw it. Okay, maybe not screaming, but he was happy. After he opened it, he murmured in my ear:

"How much did this cost?"

"Pay back for the dress… you do deserve it…"

"I would kiss you thanks, but I'm afraid your family is going to die of hysteria if I do," he replied sarcastically. So I kissed him and said:

"You're welcome." Then all the gifts were distributed. I hadn't received Severus'. Maybe he had forgotten? No he wouldn't have. I pretended not to care, but midnight was approaching fast and I was asking myself questions. Was it still in shipping? Did he forget? Did Mother miss it? What was going on?

It was five minutes until midnight, when he came up to me and said:

"Can we talk outside?" We both went out the doors, and my family was quite silent. What was going on? We both took our coats, and we started walking in my backyard. It was a starry night and the full moon was shining bright. It was beautiful, but I still didn't really have my answer so I asked:

"Severus, did you get me a Christmas present?"

"Yes, a matter of fact I did. That's why we're here." He got to a bench, sat and asked me to sit too. We stayed there for a while until he spoke:

"Nathalie, I love you."

"I know, I love you too, but what is going on?" He got up, I followed, but he stopped me and said, holding my hands:

"Ever since I found out Lily was dead I was filled with remorse; I felt like it was my fault, like if I had never said what I had said she'd be with me safe. She died and I went to Hogwarts and for some reason I wanted to see you, like it was some kind of sign. We met again and this time I decided to do things the right way; I wanted to be with you. You're a dream come true. You love me, a man that nobody really has confidence in, a man nobody likes, a man that isn't even appealing. You loved me even when I broke your heart numerous times. You loved me even if you know my heart will always be Lily's although you hold a special part of it; you still love me even if I don't love you as much as I ever did with Lily. You trust me even after I lied to you. I know this is going to sound a little strange since you know my feelings towards Lily comparing to you but I know she would be so happy to see us do this and all I ever wanted was to make her happy. It would also make me the happiest man on earth to be with a person who makes me happy and loves; something Lily never did. Especially if I love the person much more then I ever thought I could after Lily. I love you with a passion one that I know won't be destroyed easily. I mean I could easily say now that I love you almost just as much as Lily…because I feel like I owe you so much, but you tell me I don't, you tell me that you love me, even if I'm a horrible person. You love me even if I can't give you the best, but now I can… I love you and never want to part with you."

He took a purple box with a bow on top, opened it, got on one knee and asked:

"Nathalie McGonagall, will you marry me?"


	16. The Answer

I was there, standing still, my heart pounding. No words came out of my mouth. _He had just asked me to marry him_. I was staring at him, feeling tears coming, and my mouth opened. He had a ring like I wanted, exactly like I wanted since it was Mother's wedding ring! Mother must have given it to him, that day he was in her office, as he was probably asking her permission to marry me. I was so touched and emotional when he said:

"Are those tears a yes?" I smiled, nodded and then exclaimed:

"Severus Snape, I will marry you!" He got up with a smile that nearly reached a mile and took the ring out of the box. I finally could take off Sirius' ring, and Severus placed his on my finger. Then, I could hear the grandfather clock ringing midnight, as we kissed. I have never been so happy in my life! This time, the proposal was actually romantic and didn't just come out of nowhere like with Sirius. I _really_ did love him and I was so happy to become Mrs Snape. _Mrs Snape_…_Mrs Nathalie Snape_… it has a ring to it don't you think? Then we broke off, as I laid my head on his chest and asked:

"Did the others know about this?"

"Yes, your mother told them; she gave me the ring and everything. I had originally planned to ask you at our old dating place during Christmas, but you were going home, so I tagged along." I could see all of his affection for me, just in his eyes. We kissed again and he asked:

"Do you think we should go back? The rest are probably worried…" I laughed and we headed back inside.

* * *

The whole family was gathered around the window, trying to see what was happening. Minerva McGonagall was sitting on a couch beside her mother, looking quite sad. Her mother, seeing this, asked:

"What's wrong, dear? You should be happy that Nathalie is going to get married for good now!" Minerva looked to her mother and said:

"When John asked for my hand in marriage, didn't you feel this pain, knowing you wouldn't see me again because I was going to live my own life?"

"You are scared to be alone, aren't you?" Minerva sighed and replied:

"When John died, I couldn't bring myself to recognise that I was going to be alone since Nathalie was getting married. I was extremely sad. But then she lost Sirius, and I actually felt happy; she was going to come back home and be with me again. I know it's wrong but I don't want her to go…" Her mother put her weak hand on her daughter's and said:

"You're my daughter, I'm your mother. We never part; it's nature's way. You have always seen me anytime you could after you got married; I did the same. We never left each other. Mother and daughter have a bond that will never break; it always remains in any circumstances. Nathalie loves you a lot, and I know it. Every time she comes to visit us, she always says _Mother this_ or _Mother that_."

"But she always seemed closer to John…"

"You were the same, Daddy's Little Princess, but after a while, I came to see we were closer than anything. Plus, she works at the same place as you; she won't go any day soon."

"When she has a family…"

"She'll be like her mother and raise her child where she works. Nathalie is so much like you, she looks like you, acts like you… she is you. Knowing her, she'll be like you and come and visit every chance she gets." Minerva smiled and then the backdoor slammed. They were back.

* * *

We came in, there was no sound; we went to the living room and then I heard Elizabeth say:

"What did she say?" Then a:

"Yes, of course." I smiled, nodded, and started crying again. Everybody was cheering for us, congratulating us and everything. This has been the best night of my life! Right now, I have finished cleaning up, it's about 4:30 in the morning. Everybody is back home and in bed. I'm ready to go too, tired from all the partying afterwards. I can't believe I'm going to marry Severus!

Later, Twenty-Fifth of December

Dear Diary,

I was woken up by knocks on my door a few minutes after I fell asleep. It was Severus.

"Mmm…" I said, still tired and half-awake.

"I couldn't sleep, I can't bear not being near you after… this," he said, smiling.

"Well, come in then…" He came in and sat on my bed as I laid my head his shoulder, cradled in his arms.

I fell asleep not long after, and I think he did too. I woke up again, safe in his powerful arms that I love so much.So I sat there, playing with my ring, admiring it until Severus woke up. Then we went down to the kitchen. Mother had left us a note saying she was at a friend's house and would be coming back tonight. We had the whole day to each other. But first, presents were under the tree from the staff at school and friends. I had received lots of nice gifts and one from Severus' mother. She doesn't know we are engaged, but she's going to know soon.

We spent the day just fooling around. For example, I stole the book that he was reading and ran around the house away from him until he finally got it back; that one made him a little mad since _I_ didn't _mark_ his page. But we had fun. We haven't really talked about the wedding yet, but we're bound to talk about it soon.

Twenty-Sixth of December

Dear Diary,

Today was the dinner at the Malfoy's house. It was really unpleasant, and Narcissa ruined it all for me. She _had_ to learn she was _pregnant_ while _we_ _were_ _trying_ to say _we_ _were_ _engaged_. It started all nice, great greeting by a little boy running into Severus' arms, showing us all his presents, all the energy he liberated with Severus while they were playing together. Very nice indeed, until our hosts showed up, that is. They should be called the Shitters instead of the Malfoys.

We were in his play room when Lucius came in and said:

"Oh, there you are! I was wondering what all the racket was." Draco went up to his father and said:

"Look what Uncle Snape and Nathalie give me!" He showed his father a mini broomstick we had bought him.

"Very nice, Draco. By the way, it's Miss McGonagall, not Nathalie…" The fucker again, meddling with me… I looked at Severus and he nodded. We were going to say it.

"Well, he won't be calling me that for any longer because…" Before I could even finish…

"LUCIUS! WHERE ARE YOU?" He sighed and turned around and said:

"In here, dearest…" She came running, stopped at the sight of me and then said excitedly:

"I'm pregnant again!" Then all heaven broke loose in Malfoy's face. He was exclaiming with joy and everything. He likes to make kids, see them get born but won't take responsibility after that. It's proven because he was placing all his attention on her stomach, and I don't think he even noticed Draco for the rest of the evening. Narcissa did play with him, but she was mostly stuck in Lucius' arms, getting kisses every second. While they were screaming about her pregnancy, Draco was pulling on my robes, asking what was going on. Severus took him in his arms and told him he was going to have a sibling. He seemed quite happy and was talking about sharing his toys and everything. He is a better soul than his parents. We spent the rest of our time playing with Draco, but after a while, Severus wanted desperately to go tell Lucius about us, so he left me alone with the child.

We were playing with his train when he noticed my ring.

"Big ring, not as big as Mommy, she has big ring, too big, big sparkly thing. You ring is pretty." I smiled, he was so adorable!

"Yes, your Uncle Snape gave it to me…" He moved his train to a stop and said:

"I like Uncle Snape, better than my other uncles. They not play with me… I like you, too. You play and you fun. You best Aunt I have, my other Aunt, she not play with me neither, Daddy too not play with me." I was so touched; first he had called me _Aunt_ and second nobody ever played with him except his mother, Severus and me!

"Your father doesn't play with you? Only your mother?" He got up and nodded as he went for the little table, with colouring pencils. He took a piece of paper and started drawing. I was still sitting there, but he soon came back giving me his drawing.

"Here for you and Uncle Snape." I opened it and saw a picture of him, Severus and me. I was almost in tears when Severus came up and said:

"They're busy doing…What's wrong?" He had seen my face. I showed him the drawing and he smiled.

"That's very nice, Draco. Thank you." Draco gave us both a hug and I asked Severus:

"What did you say?" He seemed gloomy and said:

"They're busy _celebrating_, if you get my drift, so they won't be down until dinner and we won't be able to tell them…" I sighed, they were _perverted_. Draco hearing this said:

"Tell what?" Severus and I looked at each other, and then he said:

"Well, you promise not to tell your parents, because we want to tell them…" He nodded and Severus said:

"Nathalie and I are getting married. Which mean she will be your aunt." Draco was jumping left right and centre. He was _so_ happy!

Anyways, dinner was announced, and he took our hands and dragged us downstairs, while talking about his little _cousin_ he wanted, he actually didn't even care about his sibling now! As soon as we arrived, Lucius came towards us and asked in a curious tone:

"You wanted to speak to us?"

"It can wait until after dinner," I said. Severus gave me a dark look; _Malfoy absolutely_ _had to know_! So we had dinner in a very silent atmosphere. Draco kept looking back-and-forth at us, wondering when we would tell his parents the news. When dinner was done, we all went to one of the living rooms. When we settled in, Malfoy asked us again what Severus wanted to say. He got up and said:

"We're getting married." A big silence came. Draco was smiling, Narcissa seemed to want to die and Lucius' eyebrows were arched. It wasn't the reaction we had planned on. Suddenly, Severus said:

"So? Aren't you going to say _something_?"

"That's wonderful, I'm happy for you both…" Lucius replied slowly. He still thought I was weird because Severus_ wasn't treating me right. _Narcissa didn't say anything, the idea of me being Draco's aunt was simply too _repulsive_ to her mind, she didn't say a thing. Draco was just smiling along, extremely happy to have me as a future aunt.

The rest of the night went sourly, because it wasn't what we had planned. I came back home, very sad, because this was my first encounter with people who didn't want us to marry. I was almost crying, I mean yes, it was only the Malfoys, but they still could have been nicer, like Draco. Right now Severus is comforting me, he's telling me not to care about other people has long as I'm happy with him, that's all he asks for. I guess he's right…

Twenty-Ninth of December

Dear Diary,

I really am getting nervous about New Year's Eve. There is a change of plans, we are going to spend the afternoon with his mother along with mine, and then leave for his grandparents' house. My mother is not coming for the last part, but she has agreed to actually come for the first. She wants to stop fighting with Eileen if we are to marry. But she doesn't get the pressure of me entering a very prejudice pure-blood family, with my belief very close to me. I don't believe in prejudice, nor do I believe in the pure-blood shit. For me to go and actually make an impression on these people, is going to be very hard, because since Severus is half-blood, they will think I am a traitor to the pure-blood people, for not marrying a pure-blood.

Severus has told me, I'm only going to visit them once, to tell them I am going to marry him, and then we'll not see them again. He doesn't like them and spends much of his time away from them. That's why he wants to move away from his mother fast, because she forces him to visit them. Actually, we had a marriage talk today…

We were speaking of that, when I had asked him:

"Where are we going to live?" He replied:

"I have found an apartment at Hogsmeade that is big enough for the two of us and affordable."

"But what if we have kids?" He sighed and said:

"You're not going to rest on the children case are you?" I shook my head and he said slowly, doubting his words:

"_IF_, after a while, we COULD _maybe_ have a _few_ kids, but only when we are ready and further in our marriage than _four_ years. We would then have enough money to move into a house and raise them, but not before FOUR YEARS. Got it?" I smiled and kissed him. I didn't care as long as we had children. I wanted him to be the father I know he wants to be, because I know he will raise them, not like Malfoy.

"Now," he said, changing subjects, "when do you want to get married?"

"The twenty-fourth of April." He was looking at me, stunned by how fast I had found a date. "It's the day when we had our first kiss, remember?" He frowned a little, then he smiled.

"Yes, I do. Where and how much would it be?" I laughed; he always thought of money and if he could afford it after the Malfoy restaurant incident.

"Maybe we could do it at Hogwarts, in the park, on the cliff near the lake. Dumbledore could be our 'priest', all our friends and family, flowers – you know I love them - some pictures and a reception."

"I agree with all but the reception. Is it a necessity?"

"Yes, so we can eat, be social, talk to family and friends about our union, have fun and _dance_." He hated to dance; I remember for graduation he didn't want to dance, and he ran from it like it was a deadly disease. He made a face and repeated:

"_Dancing_?"

"Yes, the bride and groom's _first dance_ is very _important_, _traditional_ and _romantic_."

"Are you sure we can't just have a _small_ marriage, with a _few_ guest and _no_ reception and NO _dancing_?" He sounded serious about having this low-key.

"Well, what do you want?"

"What I just said," he replied angrily. He was really malcontent.

"How about we make a compromise. We have it outside, a few guests with a small reception of like thirty minutes, just like a little party and _dancing_." He sighed and exclaimed:

"Is dancing _obligatory_?"

"No, but it's just nice." He was giving me a dark look as he said furiously:

"You are _lucky_ I love you. First kids, now dancing what's next? Decorations at our apartment?"

"Yes, _Victorian_ style." He sighed and shook his head.

"Which quarters will we live in?" I asked.

"I don't really care, as long as I can be comfortable."

"Then I will be moving into your quarters. It will need a few modifications, like the bedroom, but it will be nice to live in. I'll just store stuff in my quarters." He put his arm around me and said:

"Now, enough wedding talk… I want to relax before I have to see my fucking family."

I have to relax myself; not knowing how his family can be…


	17. It's A Family Affair

First of January

Dear Diary,

His family - how do I say this? - are very different than what I imagined. His grandfather was the only to really resemble a pure-blood-Slytherin type. His aunts and grandmother were nice, but his grandfather really scared me, especially when he threw that tantrum. But I guess you could say it was mostly a very good day.

It all started as we arrived at Spinner's End, where his mother lives. Mother was walking behind us, fussing as if she was regretting her decision to accompany us. We entered his house. It is a small house that has secret doors to get around. It was nicely furnished and comfortable, compared to its neighborhood. Since Severus' family doesn't really have money, they live in a small neighborhood. It has really gone down since the last time I came; last time was to help Lily move out of her parents. I guess the war even ravaged here…

Anyways, Severus made us go to the kitchen, where his mother was reading a book. She looks a lot like him. They both have black hair, pale skin and are skinny. The rest of him comes from his father: the nose (sadly), height, and apparently his father was sarcastic too. As we entered the kitchen, his mother came jumping out to see him. She threw her arms around his neck to give him a big bear hug. It was adorable as she straightened his collar and kissed his cheek, leaving lipstick on it.

"I missed you, honey! How's work? Oh, sit down, sit down… Nathalie?" she said, pointing at me; Mother was on the other side of the kitchen, waiting to be announced.

"She's my girlfriend now, Mother. We got back together." She was extremely happy to hear Severus had a girlfriend.

"Oh my, you have changed! I'm so glad you go back together. You really do look like your mother…" She knew, she knew from my looks who I was. I smiled and bent down to kiss her cheek as I said:

"Good to see you again, Mrs. Snape. You look ghastly pale… are you alright?"

"Don't mind me, how are you? How's your mother? I heard John died not too long ago…"

"Well, I'm sure she can tell you herself… Mother!" Mother pushed the door open slowly and said:

"Eileen…" Severus' mother got up as fast as you can think and said:

"Minerva? I thought you wanted to never see me! After what happened with Tobias…"

"But I was right all along… he only hurt you." Eileen walked towards her and said:

"I know; I was too foolish to see it. Will you forgive me?"

"Well I think I have to; our kids are getting married." The two hugged each other and started crying, which made me cry too.

"Why are _you_ crying?" Severus asked; I had really no clue! Three crying women surrounded him and he felt very uncomfortable. We left Mother and Eileen to pass an afternoon together and went upstairs.

* * *

The women were having a glass of wine, discussing their children in the cramped little kitchen.

"I can't believe they're getting married! I was sure they would never get back together, after he broke her heart."

"Miracles can happen…" said the other. The first one took a sip of wine and then said:

"Minerva, I feel that my end is near… I have been sick forever, and I haven't been getting better. Severus did everything he could, Healers did too, but nobody can cure me now. My days are getting short, and it's sad we got back together so late. I haven't told Severus yet, and I'm not planning to either. I don't want to ruin his happiness with your daughter."

"He does care about you enormously; why don't you tell him? Nathalie will understand that he will focus on you more than her. It's her nature."

"But they just got engaged. I won't be there to see them wed and have children. I always dreamed of the day Severus would come home and say he's getting married, or the day when I would see my first grandchild. I really am sad my life hasn't lasted that long." Minerva put her hand on Eileen's and said:

"As your best friend, I tell you that I will look over them for you. But you should tell him instead of just leaving him like that…"

"All is in place, my will states he's inheriting everything, and I'm ready for it. I have created nothing but chaos during my brief life on earth; I'm sure nobody will regret my parting."

"You did good deeds while you were on this planet, Eileen, trust me. I also know people who would regret your parting. Severus, first and foremost, Nathalie and…I." The woman smiled and said:

"I wonder what our children are doing?"

* * *

We went upstairs, to his room. It's dark, cold and shabby. He had blankets on the windows; there was a bed, a chair, a dresser and a desk that was full of parchment, quills and potion supplies and a closet, which was closed, so I didn't see the mess. Most boys don't like to tidy, and Severus was one of them. But his room was quite cleaner than I expected. I sat on the chair in front of his bed, as he sat on the bed. We just sat in the silence that was sometimes interrupted by our mothers' laughter.

"Nice room…" I said quietly.

"Really? I thought you would hate it…" I just couldn't lie properly to him. I was a fair liar, but not to him. I got up to sit beside him; after I sat down as he put his hand on my leg and said:

"I love you."

"I…" But I didn't finish my sentence because he had kissed me. We started again, as he laid me on the bed. Hadn't we gone over this? He was on me, passing his hands on my leg, in my hair, on my breasts. Even though we were engaged and I loved him and I wanted to, I wasn't ready to have sex. I needed more time, especially for this sort of activity. I had friends who had their relationship crushed because of this, and I didn't want that to happen. I know he wanted me and I wanted him back, but not yet! We are going to get married, so why not wait until then?

Then, my ideas turned around, he was murmuring my name, kissing me, loving me and wanting me. I wanted him, too. I wasn't capable of saying no, my brain wasn't working right, and it scared me that I couldn't control myself. His smell, his lips, his silky voice that I loved and his touch all made me lose control. It scared me so much that I pushed him off and started crying. It worried me that I was starting to lose control of myself over the simplest things. He thought he had hurt me, when I had hurt myself. I was crying as he had me in his arms, trying to find out what was wrong. As I finally calmed down, I was about to tell him, but it was time to go. He didn't want to leave until I had told him why I had panicked like that.

I told him that it scared me that I didn't have controls of my feelings anymore, because I wanted to leave his embrace, but I couldn't. I couldn't because I loved him so much I didn't feel like it. He was in a total relief, thinking he had hurt me in a physical way. I reassured him he didn't, and he was finally ready to leave. I should have just lied so we could have stayed here instead of going to his family. Mother had left me alone with people she knew I was going to hate.

We arrived in front of a fairly large mansion, not as big as the Malfoy's, but still enormous. The entrance was the same: fancy and very clean. House-elves came in to take our coats, and we were brought to a living room. It reminded me so much of the Malfoy's manor. We waited there for a few minutes. Severus was nervous and kept glancing at his mother, who was daydreaming. Then, they came in… his family.


	18. We Don't Pick Family, Sadly

They all came in dressed in high-fashion, expensive clothes, looking very aristocratic. I took a deep breath as I rose up to be greeted.

"You must be Miss McGonagall? How very nice to meet you. We've heard so much about your family ever since Eileen became friend with your mother," said the grandmother. I look at the other members of his family. His grandfather, from whom Severus seems to have inherited his scowl, studied me like I was an animal at the zoo. His two aunts and uncle came to greet me next. I could see the family resemblance in the aunts and I could easily compare them to Eileen. Then, the grandfather finally came and I wish he hadn't…

"Well, Severus has finally found himself a worthy woman to bind himself to. I suppose it should be a good thing you're pure-blood, to cover up Eileen's shame. I heard you were once engaged to Sirius Black, am I correct?"

"Yes. I was engaged to him before he went to Azkaban on murder-related charges. But, I am with Severus now…" He studied me again as he said:

"You have a taste for the black sheep of families don't you? Well I suppose I shouldn't complain we finally get a proper heir this time," he added looking at his daughters with disgrace.

"Proper heir?" I asked, confused.

"Well, Eileen married a Muggle, which makes Severus an un-proper heir. Eglantine here only had a daughter that married a Muggle and Elizabeth didn't have any children. So I would guess that your son will be the first proper heir, since nobody else ever took the time to think about the family pride."

"Now, darling, you know our family line still exist and family heirs aren't that important…" his wife started.

"You can be so thoughtless? It means everything!" he replied, fuming. I turned towards Severus, who seemed to be use to these sorts of activities. It fell silent for a few minutes until his grandmother asked me what I wanted in the future with Severus. I mentioned all sorts of things, things that Severus said were out of question. I heard him sigh a couple of times, which made me smile.

Dinner was announced shortly after that. We were seated near plates with a thousand forks. I, of course not knowing etiquette very well, had a hard trying to impress them during dinner. His grandfather had a few glasses of wine and I would even say too many. He started showing signs of being drunk near the end; before dessert even came we had to leave. Let me tell you why:

Quinn Prince is not a man whom you want to be near when he's full of alcohol. Especially if you're in presence of blood traitors (who are everywhere in his mind) and of objects that are sharp. Near the end of dinner, as I said, he got drunk and started screaming the most awful thing I ever heard. Severus is still sorry he brought me there. He started insulting Eileen for marrying a Muggle and for having Severus, the most stupid, fucked up child in the world. He regrets ever having her as a daughter and if he had his way, she would be dead and gone for humiliating his pride. Then he started on Severus' aunt, Eglantine, for having a bitch of a daughter and letting her marry a Muggle. She could have arranged a marriage between some other pure-blood instead of letting her whore around to fin herself with a Muggle. He didn't care if it was love as long as it was pure-blood. The other aunt who didn't have children was the worst of all for not even trying to be the best out of all the sisters since he _always_ loved her more. Then, he called his wife a whore because she was never faithful to him (or so he says) and said he hates her for not letting him having his way in everything.

Then my turn came and I would like to say it didn't affect me. But that would be lying and I almost never lie. He said…he said I was a no-good bitch that was only marrying Severus because I wanted revenge on the family for nothing being nice to my mother. He also said I want the money and as soon as I get it, I would leave Severus or cheat on him with other men for the money. He said I didn't even love Severus, that I was lying and that he could see it in my eyes. I was replacing him for what Sirius might have been. I started to cry at that point, because I had already been over that and it came back to me. Then, he got up and started screaming words we couldn't hear and throwing the silverware. Severus took his wand and immobilised him so we could all get out. He left his uncles in charge as he brought back his mother and me back.

After a good cry and a strong cup of tea, I felt very much better. Severus reassured me I wouldn't need to see them again, even if my life depended on it. I wouldn't even go there until his grandfather is either dead or absent from the house. That man is like my worst nightmare coming true. We went back home and I went straight to my room as Severus talked with my mother about what happened. He soon joined me with another cup of tea. We spent the rest of the night together. Before I went to bed, Severus came to see me about what had happened before his family meeting.

"I am extremely sorry, it's just I want to, but I don't know when to. I'm sorry I made you lose control that, I never meant to. It's just I want to be romantic, like a surprise but I never can because I don't know when," he said. I reassured him that I wanted us to wait until we were married, and for good. It would make it more romantic and a surprise too. He was happy with that answer.

Fifth of January,

Dear Diary,

After this weekend it's back to work. I can't wait to have something to do, for I am already bored. Even with Severus, Mother and Eileen around me, am still bored. Severus and I have mostly been outside, taking walks or snogging, in the library reading or snogging or just sitting around doing absolutely nothing.

This has been the best holiday of my life; I've never had such fun. I can't wait to go back and tell my classes my whole vacation and that I'm getting married to Severus. I want to go on top of the world and cry it out. Severus doesn't believe that I love him so much that I would risk my death by making an avalanche. But, I would, seriously, die for him.

His birthday is coming up soon. I don't know what to buy him, since I already had a hard time thinking up a Christmas present. I think I might go buy him…yes, that's what I'll do.

Eighth of January

Dear Diary,

Today we went back to classes. I was extremely happy to see my students. I started all my classes by making a circle of who did what during Christmas vacation. I am very happy to report that Karen had a _sad_ Christmas without her _boyfriend_ at her house. I was happy to say Severus spent Christmas _with_ _me_ in her face. I also had the pleasure to say _we_ had a great time. But the funniest moment was when I said that I was going to get married to him. Her face…oh, her face was worth everything.

During yard duty, Severus came to see me and I told him he was the best man in the world and kissed him.

"What was that for? Did I do something?" he asked.

"You made Karen jealous and now she's pissed at us!" He arched his eyebrow and said:

"And you thought _I_ torment my students…" I laughed, it was true. I did like seeing Karen in _pain_…I'm dreadfully mean.

It really made my day! Tomorrow is Severus' birthday and I have bought his present. I hope he will like it!

Ninth of January,

Dear Diary,

It's Severus' birthday today! I surprised him during lunch. When he came down to eat, where there was peace from all his students, his office. It was _my_ turn to be romantic. He came down, opened the door and got a big "SURPRISE!" and confetti thrown at him.

"I knew you would do something like this today…" I came to kiss him when he noticed what I had done.

"What are you wearing?" he was looking at my dress.

"You don't like it? It used to drive Sirius mad for me…" My dress was a little too short, well nothing showed, it was just short, black and it was very tight and pretty. It used to drive Sirius mad for me, because it looked _sexy_ on me.

"I'm asking myself how he could resist you all those years. So," he asked with a devil's smile, "is there more?"

"For this, no, but I have presents." I took from the table a small box. "Here's mine…" He opened it and said:

"Since when do you give a guy jewellery?" I sighed; it wasn't just any jewellery.

"It's your wedding ring, idiot. I bought for you, for your birthday!" It was coarse silver, with an emerald on top, with snake engraved in its side. Underneath it there were inscriptions, which was for how I felt about him. It said:

_I can't believe you need me. I can't believe my shoulders would carry such important weight as your head and your tears. I love you and for that I will carry them until I fade away._

Yes, it's long but I have made it so when he reads it, it appears phrase by phrase every time. Sadly when he gets married it will be stuck on his finger forever so he won't be able to see them. But, when he saw it, he looked at me and said:

"That's how you feel about me?" I nodded and said:

"I love you, happy birthday…" We kissed as he put the ring on his finger. Then, he opened the rest of the gifts. Malfoy, his mother, Dumbledore, the staff and even my mother had all given him something. But he was still mesmerised by the ring. He had it on for the rest of the day.

Then, for dinner, I brought him to a restaurant in Hogsmeade. He was really touched that I had done this for his birthday. But it's all because I love him; he's worth all the pain and stress of planning.

Twenty-Ninth of January

Dear Diary,

The whole month passed fast! I mean classes are going well, everything is nice. It just became sad when I learned Narcissa lost her baby. I know it's very cruel since Mother lost a baby after me, my baby brother. I will never know him and after that, she couldn't have anymore babies, so I didn't have any siblings. I feel sad for Draco; he was so excited to have a little brother or sister.

Severus and I were having tea one Sunday morning when he got a letter from Malfoy. I wasn't paying attention, I was busy correcting when he said:

"Narcissa lost the baby. Apparently, she can't have children anymore. Lucius is extremely sad as he wished to expand his family and Narcissa has locked herself in her room, fearing to see Lucius. She's scared he'll hate her." I looked up from my papers and said:

"What about Draco?" He passed me a letter and said:

"You find out…" Draco had written us a letter. I opened it and read:

_Dear Uncle Snape and Nathalie,_

_Mommy lost my little sister or brother. I don't know where she put it. Now Mommy's locked herself and Daddy not speak to me so me lonely. Me hope that you can have a little cousin so I can play with. Me bored, could you please come and play?_

_Draco_

It was obviously written by a house elf. Draco was only one and couldn't write yet. I looked at Severus and he said:

"I'll go now…"

"I'm coming. He asked for me too," I added after he turned around to object.

We made our way to the manor. It was empty and cold. Malfoy had left for drinks and Narcissa was locked up. Draco was wandering around without anything to do. We played with him for a while, debating if we should take him back with us, for his own good. Before we reached an agreement, Malfoy came back. He thanked us for coming; he seemed pretty sad and drunk. He asked _me_ to go talk to Narcissa (he was way drunk asking me that favour). But, Severus pleaded for me to go. I really didn't want to but for Draco and Severus' sakes I did.

It didn't give me anything really. I knocked, said it was me, she bitched at me to go away. I told her through the door that her husband wasn't mad and still loved her; he was just upset that he couldn't have children anymore. She told me again to bitch off. I told her Draco and Lucius needed her back and Draco really missed her. She opened the door and said:

"If you're here to help, do so, but other than that, get your filthy body, that's capable of having children, out of my sight," and slammed the door in my face. I said, from behind the door, that I was there to help. I heard a sigh and a:

"Fucking bitch." I gave up after that. I will never understand her!


	19. Will You Be My Valentine?

Thirty-First of January

Dear Diary,

Narcissa finally came out and accepted the truth. She knows that Malfoy isn't mad at her, but sad that they won't have more children, and both of them have been spending more time with Draco. It made Severus happy, because now he doesn't have to go every weekend to play with him. He can finally spend time with me, and he seems quite happy about it.

He received a letter from his mother the other day, telling him that she had made her will and that he was to inherit everything. He seemed worried that his mother had sent it to him. She was always doing stuff before it would happen, like an instinct she had. He was worried that she was going to leave the earth soon and that she knew it. He spent the whole night with me, sitting and daydreaming while playing with his ring. I knew that when he does that, it mean something is bothering him. I even knew what has bothering him too.

"Severus... are you worried about your mother?" I had asked that night. He lifted his head up and you could see in his eyes that it was bothering him. A lot.

"Yes ... she's going to die soon, and I know it and she does too. I'm just wondering ... why won't she tell me?"

I came and sat beside him and said, "Maybe because she doesn't want to bother you with it ... because we just got engaged. She wants us to be happy and not worried."

"But she knows she means a lot to me ... I want to know about her health, but she refuses to tell me..."

"Because she knows you'll stop everything in your life for the one you love and she is scared it will affect your job, your life and me..."

"But it won't..." I sighed; you never know his mother and him were pretty close. She had to raise him alone and he thanks her a million times for that.

"Your mother knows what's best for you ... if she thinks not telling you is best, well, she's right." I put my arms around him and said, looking into his eyes, "Your mother loves you...so do I. No matter what happens we always will, and if we choose not to tell you something, it's because we think it's best. Just like you did for me, numerous of times," I added with a grin.

"I guess you're right..." He kissed my forehead, put his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes to relax. I think he's worrying too much about her. She chose not to tell him about her dying for a reason. That reason is not to provoke him and stress him out, like now.

Sixth of February

Dear Diary,

Severus has been getting more upset about his mother, after trying to talk to her. She refused to tell him if she was going to die or not, which means she will, which means Severus is going nuts. He has been locking himself up in his workroom, day and night, and only comes out for meals, classes and for bathroom breaks. He hasn't spoken to me for a week, and it's worrying me to death.

I went to see him today but no chances of speaking to him, so I went to see Dumbledore. I went to tell him that we needed to so something about Severus' behaviour. His mother was right not to speak to him about this, because he is taking this way too seriously. It's scaring me and I really am worried that when his mother dies, he'll become less open and will be more distant, even to me.

Dumbledore's reaction on this was partially understandable. He was calm, cool and didn't really seem to take this at an extreme. He said to leave Severus to himself and that he would eventually get over this. I asked him how long would I pass with him like this, and he replied until his mother dies. It may or may not take a while and it worries me. If his mother dies near March, he won't be in shape to help me plan the wedding. I don't think he will want to marry me after her death. He'll be too traumatised or won't feel like we should marry without his mother being present. It seems she won't live long enough to see us at our wedding, which means he might change his plans. I don't want him to do that, I want to marry him and I know he does too, but it would be too painful for him to do so after her death.

Valentine's Day is coming soon and I want to celebrate it with him, but he will probably not come out of his room. I wanted to go wedding band shopping with him, some of those that are attached by magic that we placed during the ceremony, before the engagement ring. Kind of like Applicatio rings, but for Severus and me, not just me alone. I want to have a special romantic day, but he hasn't really talked about it. Maybe we won't...

Tenth of February

Dear Diary,

Severus finally came out and spoke to me for once. He seemed better, but was still sickly looking, more than usual. He tried to smile for me and pretend he wasn't worried about his mother. I did nothing this weekend because he was locked in. He told me he was sorry for the past few days, and I accepted his apologies. Actually, he caught me by surprise before lunch. I was locking up the classroom, when arms came around my waist, again, and a voice in my ear said, "I missed you, you know that...?" I turned around with a huge smile and crashed into his arms.

"I missed you too...you worried me so much..."

"I'm sorry," he had said, after we stayed a while in each other's arms until he proposed we go eat lunch. During the whole time, he talked to me, had a couple of laughs and he kissed me off to class. It really has put my day into a better spin. Afterwards, he came to see me after supper so we could spend time together. I slipped in a few words about Valentine's Day. Hopefully, he got enough hints to be able to be in shape for a romantic day and make it romantic.

Fourteenth of February

Dear Diary,

We had the most marvellous Valentine's Day any couple could ever have! He didn't forget, and he was his sarcastic, adorably grumpy, romantic and loveable self! I don't even think he thought of his mother once during the day! He is the best boyfriend a girl could ever have!

He came into my bedroom with a breakfast-in-bed for us, brought me a rose and a teddy bear for my "childish behaviour". Afterwards he asked me what I wanted to do for the rest of the day and I replied, "Wedding band shopping!"

"Isn't it early for that?" he asked me frowning.

"In two months and ten days we're getting married, dear..." I replied as he smiled and said, "I can't wait...hopefully it will pass fast!" He kissed me and said, "We can go wedding band shopping!"

We set off to Diagon Alley, where they sell magical wedding bands. We found the perfect pair, silver, simple and clean. It matched our engagement rings perfectly. They are Applicatio rings of course, ensuring we never part. I notice he has been wearing his ring a lot, and he isn't the type to wear jewellery either. It touches me to the heart every time I see it on his finger! Even with his Mother problems, he still wears it, which would mean he does care about me and I am more than glad he does.

After, we went out for lunch and tea, then we took a walk around the block of Diagon Alley. We sat on a bench for a while looking at the wizards and witches, going about on Valentines. After we came back to Hogsmeade to walk around and see the place that brought us together, the Shrieking Shack.

The Shrieking Shack was where we shared our first kiss. James had pulled him out of danger, as I followed along. I started yelling at him and everything until he said the magic words and he kissed me. It's where it all started, and in some ways, we owe a lot to this little wooden house. I was leaning on the fence, looking at it with a smile. I could still picture the time where he kissed me. After the magic words, he just came to me and kissed me forcefully on the lips. I remember it clearly; it was starry, full moon and very nice out. That day is a day I will always remember…

He seemed to be thinking the same as me, as he watched me with romantic eyes studying my every move.

"Can you believe," he said not leaving me from his sight, "that that shack brought us together?"

"It's hard to imagine, isn't it? Well, it's definitely a love-shack," I said as he smiled at my joke. There was a moment of silence and he said, "I can't wait for you to be my wife..."

"Me neither... I'm going to be Mrs Snape," I replied in an excited voice.

He grinned and said, "That will be nice. Having the same title as my Mother..." I smiled a little, I had forgotten all about her. He did mention her once in the day, but didn't overreact. Then, he took my hand and we moved closer to the house until it was at the point where we first kissed. There, he did the same thing as before, and kissed me like he had first kissed me. It had the same intensity as the first.

At that point, he swept me off my feet. He really was the man for me; even with our quarrels, his mother and everything else, we were meant to be. I loved him...oh, how I love him so much. I love him so much; I want to break my Mother's promise. I wanted it so badly, as we were kissed passionately and romantically. I could feel his hand on my waist, and his other one cupping my face. I passed my hands through his hair as he forcefully pushed his mouth on mine to deepen the kiss. I was leaning dangerously on the house, as he pushed me to its wall. He moved on to my neck when I said, "Let's go back...please?"

He lifted his head up and said, "As you wish..."

We walked hand in hand to the castle, and as soon as we entered his quarters, we kissed again. We both felt the same passion as a few minutes ago as he laid me down on his bed. I was ready to go all the way, he even asked me before if I wanted to and was sure of it and I agreed. His cape came off, so did his shirt, and my cape fell off and so did my sweater. We lasted for a while until ... my Mother came back into my mind. She had so much trust with me; I just couldn't go trough with it. As he was un-doing my blouse, I said, "Severus...I can't."

He looked up and said, "Can't what?" He looked so pleased and so happy; I just couldn't make him wait again.

"Can't wait..." He smiled and continued on.

Thoughts were racing trough my mind about my Mother and him. Who to choose? I didn't want to upset neither. As he taking my blouse shirt off to discover my bra, I stopped him and said, "No. I can't, I really can't, Mother will know, I know it. I really want to, but she comes back in my mind, making me feel guilty. I also don't feel ready yet...I want to, but I know I shouldn't. We can't...I can't."

He made a face and said, "I knew this wouldn't last long..."

"You're not mad...are you?" He seemed pretty sad and disappointed. He put a weak smile and said, "I love you and want to be with you, every way possible. This one way, I might never get. It seems so long to wait, when we both want to. I have this desire for you and I know you want it too. It's just if I could make you feel comfortable enough...I've tried to but I guess it takes more than a kiss."

I smiled and said, "It would be best that we stick with our plan. Let's just wait and maybe it will be better..." He smiled and started to put his clothes back on until I said, "You can keep your shirt off, you do look nice..." I said jokingly even if I really meant it.

He just stared at me and said, "This is nice to you?" He had some muscles on his arms and a broad chest that wasn't that bad; I mean he's skinny but not bony skinny. The black made him look very skinny comparing to what I saw. I giggled at the remark as he put his shirt back on.

After that little incident, we had a romantic dinner at a table set in his kitchenette. It was lit with candles all around and we had a very pleasant time. After we had a snog or two, but that was it, as we feared that our feelings would let us go. We had made a promise we wouldn't attempt again to do it or let each other do it either. We chose to wait until marriage, and we both agree it will be better, for all. The last thing we want is for me to get pregnant, or our mothers getting mad at us for letting each other go, or most of all myself feeling guilty for rushing and not thinking it through. He really cares about this and promises not to let himself go. I know it's hard, especially for him, since he really wants to show me he loves me (especially with the Lily factor that surprisingly didn't show up today!). He doesn't need that, I have told him a thousand times, but he set his mind to it. But, I know it will be all worth it in the end, and that why he is the best boyfriend a girl could have.


	20. Death Takes Away A Man's Soul

Twenty-First of February

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I was visiting Severus in his quarters and something very sad happened. As he was getting something in his bedroom for me, an owl came upon me with a letter for Severus. It was for him from the wizard hospital, St Mungo's. As soon as he came out, I jumped up and gave it to him. He opened it, read it and took his coat and left without saying anything to me.

I waited all weekend for him, until today, when he came back. His mother is hospitalised in emergency. She is diagnosed with _Magicus-Emulgeo _cancer. It's a disease that drains your magic, bit by bit until you can no longer do magic. It also makes you weaker and when all your magic is drained out, you die. Severus' mother has been hiding it for about a year, and now she almost has no magic and has less than a week to live.

He was mad as hell that she didn't tell him that she was ill. He came to tell me everything. He was ready to cry, but something inside of him held back his tears. It was his non-emotional side that was showing. But I could really see his grief and sadness over losing someone that was dear to him.

After he explained it to me, he took my hand and said, "I want you…I want you to be there when she…dies. I want you to be there for me, to hold me up right and not let me collapse. I want you to love more than ever to make me see that not all is lost. I'm sure that when she…goes I will be very distant and we don't want that. So promise me you'll keep me on my feet and show me that you love me?"

Those were the most desperate words that he had ever said in his life. I was ready to be with him every step of the way, for better or for worse.

"I will be there for you, I will love you and keep you on your feet." I hugged him as he collapsed in my arms.

Dumbledore has granted us permission to have a week's leave of teaching for Severus' mother's care. For a week, I will be staying at Spinner's End with Severus, during this hard time. I settled myself in the spare bedroom beside his right when we arrived. He has been very silent and hasn't spoken since our arrival.

Twenty-Second of February

Dear Diary,

We saw Severus' mother today. She was in her hospital bed, weak as ever, very pale, losing hair, trembling, and she couldn't move a lot. As soon as we walked in, she tried to get up and see us, but Severus pleaded with her to stay in bed. She was touched that we _both _came.

Eileen and I spoke to each other the whole time; Severus didn't participate and was keeping a very close eye on her. When the nurse came to check Eileen, he rose up, asking her questions about his mother and the nurse's career. He wanted to know if she did her job right and was experienced enough to handle _his_ mother. As soon as she left, Eileen said, "Severus, seriously, I'm fine, really…"

"Mother, you are not fine, you're dying. That does not qualify as 'fine'," he replied coarsely.

No more words were spoken during the afternoon. It was quite boring, being there all day and doing nothing, but it was for Severus. It was about eight at night when we decided to go back. As soon as he set foot in the house, he collapsed on couch, very tired. I went to get him Firewhiskey; he thanked me, took a sip and looked around. He was studying the house and said, "Can you believe, we are going to live here, after we're married?" It was true; his mother had left him everything and we were probably going to move in here. It was the easiest choice.

"With a little cleaning and re-decorating, it would be perfect," I replied quietly. He didn't speak during supper nor did he speak afterwards. I had gone to bed and I could hear him moving objects, pouring some more whisky and weeping downstairs. I am very worried for him…

Twenty-Sixth of February

Dear Diary,

She died today. We were coming to visit her, but Healers were rushing in left, right and centre towards her room. Severus demanded to know what was happening and was told that his mother was having a stroke. Only one of us was permitted to go in and Severus went, of course. I waited in the corridor, nervously pacing around and trying to find out what was happening. After a good hour, Severus came out pale and very shaky.

"She's dead. The stroke killed her." My whole body froze as the words sunk in.

"Oh, Severus…" I went to catch him in my arms. He wasn't crying; he was trying not to anyways. He was holding me hard, not wanting to let go of all the anger, agony and sadness that were trying to break out. I started crying; it was too emotional for me. We stayed together for a few minutes when a nurse came to ask whose family member it was, so they could complete the cremation papers and will.

We both followed her as we entered a small, private room. In her will, Eileen asked to be cremated and put to rest in the cemetery near Spinner's End. Severus wanted her to be cremated right then and there without a funeral, just a paper notice for family and a burial. They asked if he wanted to be present for the burning, and I could see his hands shaking. I had put my hand on his and smiled at him. He nodded after seeing me, knowing I was going to go to the end with him.

As his mother's body was burning in front of us, I really could see his sadness and anger, stemming from the fact that he couldn't do anything to save her. He was holding my hand hard and painfully, hoping it would make the pain go away. As we came out of the crematorium, he told me, "I promise to do anything to save you from harm. I will not let what happened to my mother happen to you. I promise to even die for your life, as long as you live." His mother's death had affected him; he now thought that he wasn't strong enough to save either of us.

"Severus, you don't need to. Life chooses who lives and who dies. Life chooses for itself and if you weren't capable of doing anything, it doesn't mean you're unworthy. If you can't spare me from death, it doesn't mean you're weak." He looked at me with fierce eyes and said, "Yes, it does!"

I took him in my arms and said, "No, it doesn't mean that! It means life takes its course and old becomes new. You are not unworthy, nor are you powerless." He thought a while and said, "I guess you are right"

He didn't sound convinced to me. We went back home to the cemetery and placed her at her rightful place. He stood in the wind, his black robes floating as he was staring at her grave with tears in his eyes. I kissed him and he looked at me and smiled. I was all that was left to him and he was glad of it. We came back to his house and had a quiet dinner. It was followed by a silent cleaning up and reading session. He looked tired so I forced him to sleep.

After a while, I could hear him getting up and taking a drink. A few minutes later, I herd a glass falling and smashing on the floor. I went up to his room, opened the door and found him sound asleep at his desk, a bottle beside him and a glass on the floor. I cleaned up and went to drain the whiskey that was left, so he wouldn't drink any more. After, I came and put him back together. I couldn't lift him to his bed, so I transfigured the chair he was on into a comfy couch and laid him on it with a cosy blanket.

I was about to go when I heard him say my name. He was awake. He came to me, walking crookedly, took me in his arms and pushed me on the bed.

"Severus…what are you doing?" He looked up at me with bloodshot eyes from the whiskey and said, "Something I have been longing to do and need to have." He started to nibble my neck and trying to take my nightgown off.

"Severus, please stop, you're drunk…stop, what about our promise?" He laughed and said:

"That…_umph_…that was bullshit. Only said yes, so I couldn't lose you because of my…_umph_…_desires_. But, I don't care anymore…_umph_…for I will not lose somebody else that's special to me." He kissed in an erotic way; I was really scared and disgusted by him. I pushed him off and said, "You will lose me by doing this, you dumbass!"

He pushed me back on the bed and said, "Not if I can…_umph_…help it. Fuck, do I need you. I want you…" He started kissing me fiercely, taking off the straps of my nightgown.

"Severus, _please_…stop. You don't need this nor will you lose me because of your desires, if you _get off_."

"Lose you because of my desires? That not the _fucking_ question now! Now, it's if I can keep _you_ alive and in my _reach_ so I don't lose you like Mother or Lily…"

I was crying as he was taking his nightshirt off. He didn't want me to die, but I felt like I was going to right then and there. I could feel him, ready on my leg, and it made me cry; I couldn't believe he was doing this!

"Severus, _please_…_please…_stop!" He was trying to part my legs as I fought. "You'll regret this!" I screamed, crying.

"I won't because you'll be mine and I will be able to spare your death. It's my fault Mother's dead and Lily suffered so much. She's dead too. All I have left is you and if I do this you will be mine! Now shut up…" I tried to get out of his grip but it was too hard. I was moving like crazy trying not to let him in.

"Severus, you didn't kill them, God decided to take them back not you! It's not your fault! I _will_ leave you after this if you continue, so _stop_ _it_!"

"YES! I DID KILL THEM! IT'S MY FAULT, IT ALWAYS WAS! IT'S MY FAULT LILY NEVER LOVED ME, BECAUSE ALL I HAD TO DO WAS ACT LIKE A FOOLISH STUPID CHILD! IF I WOULD HAVE NOT CARED ABOUT MY DARK IMAGE IT WOULD OF NEVER HAPPEN! THE FUCKING FOUL WORD WOULD HAVE NEEVR SLIPTED MY MOUTH CAUSING US TO PART! IT'S MY FAULT MY FATHER LEFT MY MOTHER BECAUSE I WAS, WAS A FAILURE! IT'S MY FAULT YOU LEFT ME BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY REGAINNING SOMETHING I COULDN'T HAVE! IT'S MY FAULT LILY DIED, THAT MOTHER DIED AND LIFE IS HELL! IT'S MY ENTIRE FAULT!"

"NO! It wasn't _your_ fault!"

"HOW DO YOU FUCKING KNOW? YOU NEVER WERE BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING EVERYTIME!"

I cried and I cried until I said, "It's my fault Lily is dead. I should have known Sirius was a Death Eater, I should have warned them. Somehow I knew something was wrong with him, but I never took action and now look what happened! She's dead! It's my fault I left you because I didn't believe your apologies, it's my fault your mother never told you about her cancer, fearing it would disrupt us! It's _my_ fault not _yours_!"

He stopped trying to take advantage of me and looked me in the eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but he collapsed, crying on me. He held me while we were both crying, as we were both to blame.

After a while he seemed less drunk and said, "I'm sorry. Now please go away." He got off and didn't want to see me after that. So I went back to my room, but I just couldn't get that scene out of my head. I waited a while until I didn't hear anything and I came back into his room. I watched him sleep, thinking about what I was going to do. Stay or not. He's pretty dangerous to be around when he's drunk. I decided to stay with him, because I love him…so much it hurts. Hopefully this won't happen again. I am writing this, tears coming out of my eyes about how we had to treat each other to get our points seen by each other. I am going to join him in bed, even if he doesn't wish to see me. Hopefully it will make him happy that I still love him after tonight.

* * *

She had left. She had left and he was sure it was forever. He had almost done the unthinkable, resulting in losing the _only_ woman who loved _him_ back. Why did he always have to get carried away? Why did he have to drink and make himself seem like a fucking idiot just because he didn't want to lose her? Since they had gotten back together, he had been so happy but acting like a fool. Every day he acted somehow immoral or stupid towards her, and this was the cream of the crop.

He just wanted her to be safe, alive and _his_. She made Lily's death go away, but now his mother left and nothing could make him better more than her. She was the last one left. At this rate, she was going to die or leave any minute, leaving him alone and miserable forever. He had tried so hard to protect her that it backfired on him.

Suddenly, the door opened and he heard footsteps coming in. _She_ was back. He turned, pretending to be asleep as he saw her sitting on his desk, examining him like a doctor. She had tears in her eyes, and he could hear her cries. He felt twice as bad. After a while, he heard the scratching of a quill on paper. She was writing in her diary, writing her feelings. How he wanted to know what she was writing, thinking of him as a jerk or as a man who just didn't want to lose the only thing left in his pitiful life.

The scratching of the quill kept him awake, for a whole hour he could hear her writing like crazy. Then, suddenly the sound of the quill writing stopped and he heard her go back to her room.

"Finally," he thought, "I will be able to sleep and forget what happened." It was probably the last time he was ever going to see her, in the romantic way he thought of her. The last time he could kiss her gentle lips or embrace her beautiful body.

As he finally fell asleep, he felt some weight shifting in the bed. _She had come into bed with him_. He felt her arms go around his waist and heard her murmur, "I'm so sorry…I love you…"

He pretended to turn in his sleep and winced to see her face with tears, as she closed her eyes to sleep. After he was sure she was asleep, he put his arms around her and said, "I'm sorry…more than you'll ever know…"

* * *

Twenty-Seventh of February

Dear Diary,

I woke this morning, in his arms. He was still sleeping so I decided to go make him breakfast. I know I should be mad at him and not even wanting to see him, but it's not his fault. Ever since he was little he has been blamed for everything, and it brainwashed him to think everything is his fault when it isn't. He thinks it's his fault, when it's just something that happens naturally. I mean, what I said yesterday about it being my fault is partially true since I could have prevented Lily's death if I had known about Sirius.

I made him breakfast and went to get a hangover potion, to help him get rid of the headache. I placed the potion on a tray beside the breakfast I had made and went to his room. He was still asleep, so I put it on his desk and went back into the bed beside him. I sat up and put his head in my lap and started tracing the lines of his face. I couldn't really believe that after yesterday, I still had feelings for him, desires for him and wanted to marry him. He had almost raped me, but it was because he wanted to mark his territory, so I wouldn't leave him. He wanted me, but most importantly, he wanted me to live and not die like the other people he loved. He is marked so badly by a bad childhood, romance and just plain life. But it seems to start again now that Lily died, his mother died and I'm the only one left.

I still love him, but it bothers me that we resort to damaging each other to get our points across. We have to almost break up, like the 'feelings' time and now. We really need to work out our arguing manners, because they aren't so good. I love him and he loves me too. He showed it to me yesterday, wanting and trying to have me for him so I wouldn't die. Even if he was going to rape me, it was in a way, to show me his love. I am not mad at him but he should learn to control himself when drunk or he should just not drink.

I was crying while I was thinking about that and I felt him move. His head moved back and forth, as he was waking up. He opened an eye and saw my crying face looking over him. He closed his eyes and said, "I thought I said I never wanted to see you again?"

"Only because you're afraid I'll leave you for yesterday, when I really, totally, see why you did that. I am the last thing left for you to have, I am the one and only. You wanted me to be yours so you couldn't let me die like Lily or your mother. You were so badly marked by your childhood, then you thought it was all gone for a while and now it seems like it's coming back. I know that yesterday, if you would have raped me, it would have been out of love and protection of death; not desire or greed. I love you and I know you do too. It's just…we always have to make each other hurt when we want each other to understand what we think, like yesterday. We have to work on that and I still love you. I did say I'd love you, _no matter what_, you know."

After I said my big speech, he opened his eyes, stood up and looked at me in my eyes. He was studying them to see if I was sincere. After a while he took my hand and said, "I am really, really and again, really sorry about yesterday. You guessed right and you know why I did it. I never meant to be so mean but it just you're the only thing I have left and since I was drunk I tried to take advantage of you. It's just…I love you and I'll do anything to have you with me, alive and well. I've already lost Lily and I'm not about to lose the second love of my life…don't cry…" he said when he saw me starting to cry again.

He took me in his arms and cradled me. It was all over. He kissed me gently on the lips and again a little harder. Then we ate breakfast. After we were done, we started to make the house liveable for the both of us. We had another day before we went back to work. We cleaned up the living/entrance room, dining room and Eileen's bedroom. I told him I still had furniture from when I lived with Sirius that we could use. We still had to do the kitchen, bathrooms, his bedroom and the other spare bedroom. He told me that we could go see Dumbledore to ask if he could lend us some elves so they could clean while we were teaching. I really hope it will be clean, decorated to suite our taste and ready before our wedding.


	21. Plans, Plans And More Plans

Seventh of March

Dear Diary,

I have started to plan our wedding. It's harder than it looks. After supper, Severus and I have been working on it…well, I have. He just sits there and nods whenever I say something that he doesn't care about and when I say something that's out of the question, he gives me a dark look. So far in a week, we have come up with a location (Hogwarts park), priest (Dumbledore, who agreed to it happily), a place for a reception (Great Hall), a list of potential guests, bridesmaids and grooms (he doesn't want some of them but I'm forcing him), which is still being worked on, a budget list and a list of honeymoon places we could go to and afford. We can't go to the south, but we can roam around Europe, since tradition is that the parents of the bride pay for the wedding. Mother gave us a budget to work on, and we have managed pretty well.

Severus doesn't seem excited about the whole ceremony, but he will remember it since I am making it romantic. I want red roses as flowers, a big harbour full of flowers, a beautiful sunny day, pictures to remember and a nice reception and ceremony. I also want a pretty dress that will make him love me so much more. But I'm sure he really cares deep down it's just it's been hard for him recently…

He also has been very distant since our little incident. He won't even kiss me or hug me for that matter, because he's afraid to lose control and almost hurt me again. The whole week, _I_ had to get him to hold my hand while walking, to kiss me good-bye or even just to relax in my arms. Also, I want to have wine at our wedding, but he is insisting on NO alcohol, just in case. Just today, I was very tired and needed something to wake me up so I drank wine. When I asked him if he wanted some, he backed away really fast, scared of repeating the last incident.

Tenth of March

Dear Diary,

I have written letters to our guests for the ceremony. We have thirty so far and we might add some more. I have invited my family and friends; Severus' choices are all friends. I have my old best friends as my bridesmaids. We were six inseparable friends, but we are down to four, since Lily and Eleanor died. Eleanor died during a Death Eater attack.

Before it was Severus, Lily and me but our group enlarged and added more girls and Severus would only come and talk to Lily and me when it was only us 3 around. The group consisted of Lily, Eleanor, Klaira, Emma, Mary and I. But after we graduated everybody went there separates ways and some were lost during the war. The ones left are my bridesmaids. Severus only has two groomsmen, Lucius and Draco. Severus isn't sociable. He didn't want his family to come and I agreed a 100. So my family, friend and his friends are invited, which means Narcissa is invited… sadly…

Fifteenth of March

Dear Diary,

Everything just got back to normal; Severus will kiss me now and hold my hand. My wedding plans are going smoothly but somebody had to go and ruin it! I was called to the hospital wing, for something very serious in middle of class. Karen was on the bed, crying her eyes out as Madam Pomfrey looked at a stick.

"What is the matter?" I asked as Karen started crying as much as possible.

Madam Pomfrey gave me the stick and said, "You have a pregnant student to take care of, that's what…"

It was a Muggle pregnancy test that Karen had used to determine if she was pregnant. Karen was crying and crying, being ripped from her childhood. Apparently she had fainted in class from malnourishment and Mme Pomfrey discovered a pregnancy test in her pocket leaving her no choice to ask me to come in. I sat beside Karen and we had a big talk.

Apparently, she had slept with an older man for months. She loves him more than anything and slept with him because she thought he loved her too. But he left her when she told him she was expecting his child. Her parents are forcing her to marry a man, in order to save the family reputation. His name is Paul Brice, a rich pureblood who is about ten years her senior. I know him from school; he slept with all the girls of his year. Her parents are forcing the wedding to be quick and quiet and she has no say in anything.

After she shared that startling information, I held her in my arms and said, "We'll figure something out…I promise."

She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry if I have been mean, it's just…it's so hard being forced to be a perfect person …you should know what I mean…"

"Yes, I do…" I replied, trying not to think about Sirius or for that matter, Severus.

"I never wanted this to happen and now I'm forced to marry him and I'm not allowed to come back to school, just so I don't shame my family. I don't want to marry him! He doesn't even love me!"

"Whoa! Stop predicting the future. Maybe it won't happen…"

"You don't know my parents!" I sighed as she cried again.

"Listen, first I'll send a letter to your parents. We will figure something out, and I'm sure we can manage with them."

We talked about the child after. She wants to keep it, which means the end of her studies. She wants to raise it, alone. She didn't want to know anything about Paul, but she has to. It is going to be his child too. So afterwards, I came back and wrote a letter to her parents. I didn't know what to say to make them understand Karen's point of view. While I was writing, Severus entered my office. I didn't hear him until he said:

"Who are you writing this letter to?" I hid the letter and smiled awkwardly.

"It's to Karen's parents…"

Before I could even finish my sentence, he asked, "Is she leaving? Tell me she's leaving!"

"You're very horrible, Severus! She's pregnant and her parents are forcing her to marry Paul Brice. I am trying to get her out of it, with a calm and gentle approach."

His expression changed as fast as light as he replied, "_Why_ are you doing this for _her_?"

"Perhaps because she doesn't want this and nobody deserves to be unhappy and get married purely for the sake of family pride. You should know that by now… Her family doesn't even care about her; it's only family pride. I'm sure you would hate if you had to marry somebody you don't even know or love." Severus wasn't approving, even if it was for the good of people. I sent the letter and later in the night, I got a response.

_Dear Professor McGonagall,_

_Our daughter's life does not concern you. It is our business if she is to get married or not and whom she shall marry. _

_Good day,_

_Sylvester & Rima Horton_

Just what I needed…

Twenty-First of March

Dear Diary,

Karen's family has let her back in the family, now that she is married to Paul. She came to tell me good-bye today. She is going away to live with him and isn't coming back to school. She thanked me for all the help and promised to keep in contact. She and Paul looked very happy. But I know she isn't. The baby is due in July.

Hopefully she won't regret having given away her childhood so fast; she is fourteen, married and with child. I hope Paul doesn't make her upset and he really does love her, like he says. But it's none of my business, since I'm getting married for love, with somebody I know perfectly, rather than getting married by force to somebody I don't know so well. I wish her the best as she did for me.

Twenty-Fifth of March

Dear Diary,

So far, the wedding is planned, so all that is left is buying decorations, dresses, robes and flowers. Here is what we have done:

Location for wedding and reception (Hogwarts park and Great Hall, all arranged by house-elves)

Priest (Dumbledore)

Guests (30 friends and family, sent invitations)

Time and date (Twenty-fourth of April at six in the afternoon)

Bridesmaids and groomsmen

Food and cake (House-elves)

We have only to order flowers, pick a cake, clothes, honeymoon place and choose what song we want for our _ONLY_ dance together. I am going wedding gown and bridesmaids' dress shopping with Mother and my bridesmaids next weekend. Severus is going this weekend for formal robes for Lucius, Draco and himself. I can't wait! It's coming so fast; it seems only yesterday that he proposed! I can't wait to be called _Mrs_ Snape!


	22. It's The Perfect Dress!

Thirtieth of March

Dear Diary,

Severus found his robes and I have found a flower arranger that doesn't cost a lot. He will arrange the harbour with roses, make us bouquets, make buds for the men and make centrepieces for the tables in the reception. All that is left is my dress, song and honeymoon.

Severus and I haven't decided where we want to go for our honeymoon. We don't want to go somewhere big, just romantic, comfortable and cute. We have thought of the countryside, where we could rent a cottage for a week. For the dance I don't know which song to put…He says he fine with anything, but he really doesn't even care. He just wants to go to Dumbledore, get married with no celebration or anything, just a marriage with a priest and witnesses. But, he doesn't mind having a big wedding, as long as there is no dancing!

Second of April

Dear Diary,

I have been receiving responses from our guests for our wedding and more people are coming! Most of my family is coming, but some can't attend. Both my grandparents are coming, on my dad's side, three of my aunts and uncles are coming, along with their wives/husbands and a few of my cousins. On my mother's side, all my aunts are coming with their families, but my cousins are less apparent. It's more than before, since people have invited their boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses and families. I will have to make modifications to the party. When I told Severus that he sighed, it was too much for him. But, I told him the more the better. He hopes I'm right and I do too.

Dumbledore sent house elves to clean up our house today. It will be ready for the twenty-third. Mother gave them all my furniture I had from my old house. Severus and I picked a style for each room and they are renovating it, for free. Its Dumbledore's wedding gift, along with a renovation of our quarters, which will be ready when we come back from our honeymoon.

Today, I'm going shopping for my wedding dress with my friends. We are all supposed to meet in front of the gates to Hogwarts. The last time we met was for Lily's wedding. We were all her bridesmaids. Hopefully my wedding will be as fun as hers.

Third of April

Dear Diary,

I found the perfect dress! It is the most beautiful dress I have every seen! It's ivory with a nice bust, strapless and an extravagant end. The end is made to look like somebody pinched some random ends with diamonds to make the fabric do a sort of bump (it's hard to explain but trust me it's wonderful). The bust in laced in the back and in the front; beads that look like diamonds, making a pattern of roses around the bust. There is also a veil that is made with the same rose pattern and it's with a crown with diamonds. The crown is actually the McGonagall tiara, for the McGonagall brides. Mother wore it when she got married, because she was to become a McGonagall. There is also matching jewellery for it, a necklace and bracelet.

It's so beautiful! It's the perfect dress! But it took me a while to find it, since I wanted to find something that looked good with Severus's robes (which are all black, so they are easy to match) and that was my style and nice. We looked for two days! Two days! Two days of shopping for _my_ dress. We found the bridesmaids' dresses easily; they're red with in a mermaid style. The groomsmen's robes are black, of course, by Severus' choice. It seems our wedding will have a black, white and red theme.

I had a lovely two days with my friends. We slept at a hotel and everything. It was like a big sleepover, for a dress. We all meet in front of the gates. The girls haven't changed a bit. Emma is still wild but shy with brown-orange hair and blue and green eyes. Klaira still is the prettiest of them all; with blonde hair and green eyes and Mary still has red hair and dark blue eyes. Mother decided to come along and my friends were delighted to have her on board.

We headed for the shop in Hogsmeade first. That's where we found the bridesmaids' dresses. But there was no luck for my dress. We shopped all afternoon, until we had a lunch break. That's when stuff started getting interesting. We were all sitting around the table, while Mother was talking with an old friend when Mary asked:

"I _never_ thought the day would come when _one_ of _my_ friends, would marry _Severus Snape_…" They all laughed as I said:

"Why does it bother you so much? I mean he's the perfect guy…if you would know him enough you'd love him for sure. He's sweet, loveable, maybe grumpy but very adorable and most of all caring and loyal. He might not be '_hot_' but I love him."

"But," said Klaira, "He's so ugly…I mean how can you kiss him?"

"Looks don't count for me, Klaira…it's what inside that counts…" I replied automatically; I had been over this a million times with students and other people who didn't grasp the point of loving Severus.

"That's for sure," added Mary. They always had to misjudge him, always.

"Don't say that…you'd be better off with him than your motorcycle boy you have now…Severus is more romantic and has more of a life than your guy." Mary went red and smiled. Klaira came to her rescue and said:

"But her guy's handsome…"

"It doesn't mean its love!" It seemed that Lily and I were the only people not to drool over guys just because they were handsome. Mary was trying to find the bright side of Severus when she said:

"Well, at least he can support you and the kids, I mean if he gave you that rock…" I sighed; they really were going to be disappointed.

"It's Mother's wedding ring, he didn't buy it and he doesn't want to have kids…So it will only be me to support…"

"WHAT?" they all exclaimed. Then they started rambling about how I was the one in the group, who really wanted children and that I was the one who also, wanted the most.

"Why doesn't he want children?" asked Emma.

"Because he says he'll be a bad father…I really don't know why, because he's great with kids. Maybe he'll change his mind…"

"Well, he knows what's best…I mean the kids would be ugly…" said Klaira. I ignored that comment.

"But, if you really want kids," said Mary, "You could sleep with him when you're due and get pregnant and then say 'I'm keeping it' and force him to have it."

"All _I_ hope, is that he'll _want_ kids after and I'll get pregnant because we _choose_ to. Not because I _force_ him too, nor because I did it in _secret_."

"Good luck trying to change his mind!" exclaimed Klaira.

"So," I said to change the subject, "Emma, you have been so quiet…what have you been up to?" She at us with a smile and said:

"I got a new guy, handsome, sweet and nice…he's coming to your wedding…is that ok?" Nobody seemed to care about the wedding part, only who he was.

"I'll bring him and you can all see him." It was great for her to have a relationship, since she was too shy to ask somebody out.

We paid and then we decided to go to Diagon Alley for some more finds. I found some nice dresses, but they weren't the _one_. We decided to stay at the Leaky Cauldron as Mother decided to go back, for school reasons. I asked her to tell Severus I wasn't going to come back tonight. The next morning after a quick breakfast, we went to Muggle shops, in case there were dresses. But we had no such luck as we spent the whole day trying on dresses. By the end of the day, I said that the next time I see lace, beads or vales I was going to kill somebody. I was tired and sad that I hadn't found a dress. We decided to go back next weekend, but we didn't have to as I found it.

It was right there, sitting on mannequin, in the store we had first tried dresses in. We all huddled in front of the window and Emma said:

"Want to try it on? Looks pretty…"

We ran in like little girls so I could try it on. It fitted like a glove and apparently, it was for sale since somebody had bought it, but returned it because she found a better one. How much better can you get? Anyways, I came out smiling with the dress and we returned to the castle. We went into my quarters so I could show it to my mother. She thought it was very pretty.

Severus came in while the girls were saying good-bye. He backed away so fast I didn't even notice that he came in until Mother told me. He doesn't like being surrounded by only gushing, blushing and giggling women; especially the one he use to know from school. After they went away, he came back, took me in his arms and said:

"I missed you yesterday…I was hoping for a romantic evening, but you were away…" I looked at him and replied:

"_You_? _You_ missed _me_?"

"Yes, I'm not allowed to?" He looked at me, frowning.

"No," I said, smiling, "You're supposed to be grumpy and un-social, even with me, remember?"

He smiled lightly and kissed me. He spent the rest of the night with me and he just went back to his quarters. A couple of times he asked if he could see the dress. I told him he could wait because it would be worth it. He seemed sad, since I could see his robes but he couldn't see mine. I can't wait until he sees the dress on me!

Ninth of April

Dear Diary,

Severus is gone to see Malfoy alone, so I'm stuck here planning the rest of our ceremony. I think he got tired of me always bugging him for approvals and ideas that he decided to go elsewhere. The only thing left to plan is our honeymoon. He left me the choice of a cottage in the country, his house or a London flat for a week each. He told Mother he was going to pay for the honeymoon and he was going to plan it all, I just had to choose. He didn't care, as long as he was with me and it wasn't too expensive.

I am leaning towards the cottage, because London is busy, noisy and less private. His house, is just very un-honeymoon-ish because it's our house, I mean you live there, not vacation there. The cottage is romantic, private and only for us two. I have seen pictures; it's small, wooden, comfy and warm. There's a nice lake behind and it's in a forest. Nobody lives near for kilometres (except the landlord) so we will be private. It will only be for a week and I'm sure Severus can find a hundred activities to plan for us!

Later, Ninth of April,

Dear Diary,

We have made arrangements to have our honeymoon at a cottage in the country. We are to have more information on it, a week from now and Severus is very excited to plan it. Well, he might not act like it but in his eyes, I can see how happy he is.

Every day, when we greet each other in the morning, I see so much emotion in his eyes that his faces don't show. His eyes give away every little details of his being. Every time he sees me, a twinkle pops up in his eyes, which shows he's glad to see me. Every little thing I do, from taking his hand while walking to snogging him, he appreciates and it shows. Every time we part, I can see he doesn't want to; every time we kiss and let go I see he wants more. Maybe we are fools that rush in, but we love each other in all ways possible. Tomorrow, we are to see Dumbledore. He wants to talk to us about the ceremony.

Eleventh of April

Dear Diary,

We talked with Dumbledore yesterday. He asked us about how we want the ceremony to proceed. He wanted to know what he has to say, whether we are going to bond each other etc. Severus and I decided to bond each other with our rings. That's why we have our _Applicatio_ rings. The bonding process consists of cutting each other where the ring is going to be, placing the rings on each other's hands, and the priest saying some words; then the rings stay.

But, the thing that shocked me the most was that when Dumbledore asked us if we wanted to write our vows or not, Severus replied _yes_. I looked at him stunned as ever. I thought he was going to say no, but he wanted to because he has a message to give me. I can't wait to hear him! But I have…fourteen days to wait! Two weeks!

Sixteenth of April

Dear Diary,

This is the last weekend we can spend together without being called Mr. and Mrs. Snape. It's also Easter. We don't have any plans for the holiday, since he doesn't want to see his family and mine aren't planning anything. We decided that today we would go to Hogsmeade. It isn't the perfect romantic date, but it's good enough for me. We spent the whole day roaming around Hogsmeade, having a spot of tea and giving each other kisses in the street. As we were coming back in the afternoon, we saw Karen and Paul. She has gotten a little bigger and he seemed to be tired. They didn't see us and I heard Karen say:

"…And we could put it in it the left wing of our mansion…"

"Karen. Do whatever you want, I don't care!"

"But, it's your child too…"

"But, I don't care!" Paul replied furiously.

"You never do…it almost seems that you married me just because of the money!"

"Maybe I did!" he screamed. She looked at him, crying as she spoke:

"You never loved me did you? You lied to me didn't you?"

"I did love you…once…" he replied quietly. She ran back as he followed her screaming, "Sorry". After that little scene, Severus turned to me and said sarcastically:

"Aren't we happy…"

"Aren't we happy we waited?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes…very…" I was sad that Karen and her husband weren't quite happy. We were very pleased that we had waited and it seemed to put Severus in better spirits.

It was a pretty day today, sunny and comfortable temperature. I decided that I wanted to stay outside, even if Severus didn't agree. I forced him to go outside, maybe get him a little colour in his cheeks. We sat in the shade of a tree at the grounds for the rest of the afternoon. As I was reading a book, he was searching for students causing trouble. I studied his movement for a while as his black hair covered his face and piercing black eyes. He felt me watching him, so he turned his head towards me and asked:

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I giggled for no reason as he said:

"Stop, that infernal laughing…" I giggled even more and louder while he got mad at me.

"What are you laughing about?!"

"Just you," I replied smiling, "The way you act around me, just your attitude. You can be so nice and then so grumpy…it's adorable! Especially when I do something annoying!"

"Well, you are annoying…" he said with a face. Then to annoy him some more, I screamed for everybody to hear:

"I LOVE YOU, SEVERUS!"

"_Yes_…_I_ _know_…" he replied slowly and almost silently. I kissed him, but he didn't kiss me back so I asked:

"Why are you like this?"

"Because you're _annoying_," he said, observing the students. I turned his head towards me and said with puppy eyes:

"Don't you like annoying me? I thought you did…" He smirked and said:

"Sometimes…" He kissed me while I blushed like crazy.

We spent the rest of the day under that tree, near our wedding site. He was playing with my hair while I read. It was very cute and romantic. Then, I fell asleep in his arm, because his manly smell made me drowsy. We had supper in his quarters and we spent the rest of the night there. I actually am staying for the night, by my choice. We are going to share the bed as he says _'To be used to each other's presence and snoring,' _Severus is in the bathroom now as I am writing this, and he just came out. I love him so much!


	23. The Final Preparations

Seventeenth of April

Dear Diary,

I woke up in Severus's tight grip this morning, feeling great as ever. I made him breakfast because he was too lazy to go up stairs to the Great Hall or ask a house elf up. While we were eating, he was reading the paper and I was reading letters from family and friends about our wedding. We were acting like a real marriage couple! All that was missing to make it picture perfect was a child coming up to us. I have never been this happy in my life! But you know what made me very happy and joyful? I had forgotten to put the cap of the toothpaste back on and he came to tell me _calmly_ to put it on the next time. It bothers him like crazy and it's like a married couple, something bothers one and it doesn't bother the other! I told him I would put it on when we are married!

Today very hot; like twenty-eighth degrees Celsius! It's so rare in the month of April to get this weather! I wanted to go outside and enjoy the weather before the rain that was coming, but he desperately wanted to stay _inside_. We made a compromise instead; we were to spend the morning inside and the afternoon outside. I wanted a picnic lunch, near the lake. This morning was quite…interesting. We mostly talked about our soon approaching married life, snogged and just read together, sharing intimate and silent moments. When it was nearly lunchtime, I went to his kitchenette to prepare a picnic for two. Severus asked if he could help and I agreed; two is better than one! His Potion skills are very adept and good for the kitchen; he can cut amazingly well.

I told him to meet me at the lake for lunchtime, since I had to change into something more comfortable. I put on my bathing suit, in case the sun would make me want to go for a swim. I put a short sleeved blouse and a pair of shorts on. After, I went to the shore, and waited for my prince. He came, wearing his black wizarding robes (he hates muggle wear), carrying our lunch. We had a romantic time; talking and eating together like a real couple.

Afterwards, I lay in his arms for a while until I fell asleep. When I suddenly woke up, I felt a need to cool off; I was burning hot. I looked at _my_ sleeping Severus and made sure he was really asleep. Then, I shed the clothes covering my swimsuit and I went for a swim. The water was still, cool, clear and very comfortable. I was relaxing when suddenly, hands pushed me under water! As soon as I surfaced, I opened my eyes to see…a shirtless Severus grinning with his hands on me, prepared to push me back underwater. I took advantage of this to pull him towards me and kiss him. But he was strong enough to push us back in the water. As soon as we were out, I jumped in his arms and murmured in his ear:

"I love you…you're so adorable!"

"I love you too…" He kissed me, took me to the shore, and laid me on the blanket. He was tracing my body, letting his hands run around me.

He kissed me and said, "I can't wait for next weekend…I love you." He kissed me passionately again until I felt like melting into goo from the passion and the hot sun.

"I know you do, but just wait…it will be much better," I replied, smiling at him, while passing my hand in his wet hair.

We spent time kissing each other after that. I noticed that he had a very handsome chest; I know I said it before but this time I really admit it. Broad chest and shoulders with a slim waist and a little black hair on it…he noticed me looking at it and shook his head. Anyways, we went back into the water and then decided to go out for dinner because it was getting late. We went to Hogsmeade for a romantic dinner and we came back to his quarters. I decided to spend another night at his quarters, being too lazy to return to my own. It seems to make him happy having me sleep in the same bed as him.

Nineteenth of April

Dear Diary,

I have bad news and good news. First of all, we can't have the cottage for a week, only for five days. Apparently some other couple booked it before, so we are only spending five days there. We are going to spend the rest at our house, which is now ready. Severus is very disappointed because he was looking forward to spending the whole time there. But, I told him it would be as romantic at the cottage as at our house…

Happy news, we finally finished our vows. Well I just did, he did a long time ago. It must be very romantic for him to have taken this so seriously. When he is captivated by something, he works very hard and I'm really happy he worked on it. I mean his everyday letters are positively romantic and poetic in some forms, so I can't wait to hear it! Especially since his true love is Lily and I'm only second best… I really can't wait for him to hear mine! I worked hard to bring my statement across, of how I feel and how much he means to me. It's easy for me to put my words out on paper, but to say them is harder, it's like having the whole world read my diary!

Twenty-Second of April

Dear Diary,

Guests have started to arrive today, trying to find places to stay. My family is almost all here, friends are mostly coming tomorrow and a few other people are present too. I think I have met about a million people so far, coming to see Severus or me. But the most exciting guest of all was Emma's boyfriend. It was my old friend Remus Lupin! Well, he was mostly friends with James, Sirius and Peter, but we were still close. I was extremely glad he had decided to come. We took a walk around the park, reminiscing about the old days, laughing and remembering Lily and James. We were sitting near the Whomping Willow, when Severus came out to look for me, not knowing I was with Remus. As soon as Severus saw Remus, Severus became defensive.

"What are _you_ doing here, werewolf?" I sighed; he still thought Remus was a bully, like James and Sirius. Severus had to remind Remus that he was a werewolf, who almost killed him that night we fell in love and that he should be ashamed to be a "_shaggy dog"_.

"I am attending your wedding, Severus, nice to see you again too." Severus turned his head to me and said:

"Did I miss you saying _he_ was coming?"

"No, he's _Emma's _boyfriend…_she_ invited him," I replied, frowning at Severus.

"Is there a problem?" Remus asked frowning slightly.

"No, only a _stubborn_ fiancé of _mine_, that's all," I said, turning my back to Severus. He sighed and replied to my back:

"I will see you tonight…" He left me alone with Remus, who turned to me and said:

"I see he hasn't changed a bit…still the same old Severus…"

"Not really," I replied, looking at the sunset. "He has changed; he has proven to be more worthy than I thought…"

"But," Remus said with a questioning look, "why him? He is so different from Sirius; I mean what made you…love him like you do?"

I explained to him, in a short period of time, all my history with Severus and what he meant to me (except the tiny Lily factor). Compared to lots of people, Remus actually understood why I love Severus and embraced it instead of asking questions about my sanity. He told me, also, about his relationship with Emma. It is going very well, and they've been together for about two months. She doesn't know about his '_shaggy dog_' problem, but since they are getting very serious, he is preparing to tell her, even though he will probably lose her by doing so.

We said good-bye and then he went back to Hogsmeade and me to Severus's quarters. He was reading a book on the couch as I came in. I sat beside him, took his book away and kissed him passionately. After a few more kisses, he drew back and asked:

"Did you save the page?" I sighed; really, it wasn't the time! I went towards the door, but as soon as I got there, his hands gripped my arm and turned me back around into his arms. He kissed me long and hard and after he took off to read again and murmured in my ear:

"Really, did you save my page?" I giggled as he kissed me again and took me back in his arms.


	24. I Do, I Think?

Twenty-Third of April

Dear Diary,

Today has been the last day of my existence as Miss McGonagall. It was pretty amusing for my last day, but I really can't wait to become married and see what surprises are up for me. First, I woke up in my fiancé arms in the most romantic way possible, and then I was served breakfast-in-bed, which was even better. I spent the whole day with family, friends and Severus. I had visitors here and there, so that all I had was an afternoon left for Severus and me to be alone. Except we did have little time together, since my bridesmaids came over to see me. I swear they were going to make Severus kill himself with all their giggling! He seemed like he wanted to run as fast as he could to the end of the world and make sure they weren't following him. His reaction to them made me laugh so much that he got extremely mad at me. Yet, he let me spend the rest of the afternoon with him.

We spent the last moments of our couple time together, in a romantic way. The tradition is that the couple doesn't see each other on the wedding day until the ceremony. We just spent time in silence, enjoying each other's company. We snogged a couple of times and we also held each other in the wonders of April spring. We did talk about tomorrow, but it was mostly small talk. I was relaxing before the hectic day of tomorrow, as for I have to everything. Also, I have a _bridal shower _to go to tonight and he has Malfoy throwing him a bachelor party that he is to attend tonight as well.

* * *

Two men were sitting in a bar, where they were served by a woman wearing a low cut shirt. One of the men, blonde haired, was looking down at the woman's shirt while the other man was staring into space, thoughts swirling in his head. When the server left, the blond turned to his mate and said:

"Isn't this fun! The two of us…with girls…well, I have some…just like old times!" he added, patting his friend's back.

"Does Narcissa know you come here every night?" the other man asked out of the blue.

"Well, not every night, she knows that I go to a bar, but no woman has ever been the problem…she has complete trust in me and knows that I won't do anything…Why?" the blond replied.

"Because, you're married and you are still looking down other women's shirts. Doesn't it bother her?"

"She doesn't know!" The other man, Snape, sighed and said:

"You seriously should tell her…"

"To summarise," Malfoy cut across his friend sentence, "she brain-washed you to be loyal, worthy and a fucking Gryffindor…What's wrong with you?" Severus rolled his eyes and said coldly:

"I am not becoming a Gryffindor; it's just…Why is Nathalie always a problem with you? Why can't you just accept her the way she is? Why can't you see that the way she acts and who she is, makes me happy? WHY?" Malfoy sensed the tension and said defensively:

"A _good_ wife is supposed to bear your heir, take care of you and your children, make sure all your _desires_ are fulfilled and only bugs you when she needs something. Nathalie isn't like that at all. She bugs you whenever she wants a sign of affection from you, not just because she wants some money or whatever. She wants more than an heir and from what I can see, she is mostly independent. She is different…that's all."

"Different can sometimes be better than normal…"

"SOMETIMES," Malfoy spat out while drinking bear. "She will bug you and you will get tired of her in no time. She isn't lady-like either. I know you, trust me; you're not the kind of man who likes to be bothered with silly little games, hugs, kids and mostly her. Every time you do something wrong or not to her liking, she will retaliate by being moody, getting angry, give speeches and she might even leave for a few days. It will drive you both mad and will strain your marriage and I know you don't want that. You are more work, work, work to get what you want, serious but yet sensitive and she is fun, fun, fun childish and very talkative."

"But our marriage won't be like that; we love each other and I love her childish behaviour so stop judging her or me. I love her in every way possible and don't you dare try to break us apart just because she isn't the proper wife for me! Maybe, I want somebody to show me the love they have for me, maybe I want somebody non-lady like, somebody who can make me feel…you don't know me, Lucius!"

"Well, don't come crying back after you guys part…again." Severus gave him a venomous look as Lucius started to look at the bartender again.

"I won't come running to you," Severus replied slowly as Malfoy turned his attention back to him. "She is different from normal, gossiping, _narcissistic_ women. That's why I love her. Everyday, I see her smile, hear her laugh and kiss her lips; I have never felt as happy as I am when I am with her. I love her, her smile, laugh, hair, eyes when they sparkle, her embrace, personality that vibrates everywhere, her smell, everything. The way she comes in my quarters just to be in my presence. She is the only woman who has ever loved me. She loves the mean, sarcastic, ugly Severus Snape. No woman has ever done that before; not even Lily…So learn to appreciate her for who she is."

Malfoy was looking at his friend with a stunned face. He really could see why Severus Snape was attached to this girl.

"You really do love that woman…" Severus grinned and said:

"How long did it take you to get it?" They both laughed as they had another beer.

* * *

Twenty-Fourth of April

Dear Dairy,

The party was amazing! We had so much fun! I was so happy, until they gave me gifts…let's leave it at that. But I was very amused to get a party for my last moments as a _Miss_. Today, however, has been a piece of bloody bullocks. Nothing has gone according to plan and I was stuck doing all of the decorations, placing objects and making sure that everything goes according to the _new_ plan.

First thing, I slept in tired from yesterday, so the schedule ran a little late. Then, the flowers came late and with no helpers so we (the bridesmaids, Remus, Mother and me) had to arrange the flowers. That took the whole afternoon. Then we had to set up the Great Hall. The house elves were too busy so I had to do everything! We just finished and it's five o'clock. There is an hour to go and I'm sitting in a chair getting my hair done, eating and writing. My bridesmaids are ready and are laughing about something with Mother behind me. I really don't care right now.

I am _very_ nervous. I'm scared and I don't feel well. I just _know_ that something will go wrong or maybe…this isn't what I really want. Maybe Severus will stand me up because he realised he can't love me because of Lily or the wedding won't be held or I will have cold feet and run away or hell will just plain break loose! I really can't think straight. I really love this man and I don't want to fuck up. I just don't know anymore... It's like, I feel ready but at the same time, the little voice in my head says I am not. I am ready to pass my life with him forever, but I am having doubts…I hate having those and they always seem to win!

Mother said it is _natural_ to have these feelings; she had the same. She tried to reassure me, but after a while I just pretended to be ok, although I am not. I don't want to regret this big choice…I need to speak with Severus about this, he reassures me better. He makes all the bad go away and the good flutter into me. I want to see him but I can't…he's at the Malfoy's as is tradition. But right now, tradition doesn't matter…my feelings do…

* * *

Nervously pacing around the room, Severus Snape had thoughts flying in his head and he was bouncing off the wall with nerves. On the other side of the door, it was a different story. Lucius Malfoy was talking with his wife about the up-coming wedding.

"You tried everything? You can't make him change his mind?"

"No, he loves her…I can't make him change his mind. It's made up and I am not arguing with him anymore. Just accept it Narcissa, for his sake and for mine. I don't want to go and talk to him any more…he'll just get mad at me…"

"I just don't want _her_ around!" Narcissa said, sighing as she fell into her husband's arms.

"There is nothing I can do, Cissy. In a few minutes they will get married and that will be the end of the story. You will just have to accept her coming over with her kids, playing with Draco and you might as well accept the fact that she will, by force, of course, become your friend. They love each other…like us. Don't you know that feeling?" She lifted her head from his chest with a smirk and said:

"Yes I do know…but why _her_? She is out of there, non-lady like, I mean seriously, I thought purebloods had more pride and dignity…I wish he would see what I mean…I'm ready to even say that the Mudblood was better then her!"

"You're not the only one…" They stood in each other's arms for a few minutes, and then Narcissa had a brilliant idea.

"How about, we try one last thing. We send Draco in there, hoping that his cute, childish behaviour will make Severus change his mind."

"How is that going to work? Draco _loves_ her…"

"We'll ask Draco to talk to Severus about Nathalie and ask him if this is what he wants. I'm sure Draco could make Severus change his mind since they are so close."

"But we can't just tell Draco what to say, it will be too ... it just won't work."

"Clueless Draco works too, you know." Lucius smiled at the brilliant plan of his wife, as he called up a little blonde boy, opened the door behind them, pushed him in and closed it.

The opening and shutting of the door had startled Snape. He looked towards it to see his godson, with action figures in his hands, wearing the ceremony robes and looking like he didn't know what was going on. For a moment, Severus looked at the boy, and then he said:

"What are you doing here, Draco?" The boy sat on the floor and started playing as he said:

"Want to play…Daddy push me here…" Severus sighed; he wasn't in the mood. He was extremely nervous and was expecting the worse to fall out of the sky on the day of his wedding. He sat down beside Draco and watched him make noises and crash the figurines together until the boy asked:

"You getting married today?" Severus nodded his head; he really didn't want to talk about his wedding at that particular moment.

"You want marriage?" Severus nodded again at the question asked.

"You love Nathalie?" Severus was about to nod when he thought about it. Did he really love her? All the things he said about her, was it just a cover-up to have a girl who actually loved him? Or worse to not admit that even if he was with her Lily would always take over the main stage and Nathalie would end up in the back? Did he really mean what he said? Did he love Nathalie McGonagall? Or was this all related to his first love; Lily?

Before he could even answer, the door opened and Lucius' head poked in.

"It's time to go." Draco got up and went to see his mother. Severus sat there still in his thoughts until Malfoy said:

"You don't want to be late…let's go." Severus got up and closed the door behind himself.


	25. The Marriage

Later, Twenty-Fourth of April

Dear Diary,

I am finally a taken woman! _Forever_. I finally married Severus in the most beautiful ceremony. I am the happiest I have ever been! Severus is letting me write _all_ the details of it before we go to bed. He seems so happy himself and can't stop kissing me, which means a lot, coming from him. Anyways, here's how it all went down.

It was all ready. Outside was _finally _perfect, the Great Hall was even more perfect and I was in my dress, waiting for the ceremony to start. My curly hair was cascading down my back, with the McGonagall tiara holding in place the veil that was falling on my face. My dress fell perfectly on my hips and the train was placed on the ground just so. My make-up and jewellery were placed meticulously on me as I observed myself in the mirror. Mother had already started crying as she went to sit down. Guests started to arrive left, right and center, sitting down and talking. My bridesmaids were all around me, trying to calm my nerves, which had grown tighter with every passing second. But, it was Emma who said the right thing at the right time.

"You love him; you showed us that he isn't what he appears. You taught us to like him and you showed us that you love him. Tell me again, why are you so nervous?"

That was when it hit me. I loved him; I really did love Severus Snape! Not that I had any doubts about my love for him, I guess it was more him loving me. The second after Emma assuaged my fears, it started. Music started and my bridesmaids went down the aisle while I stood nervously in the castle. Then, the doors I was hiding behind opened and sunlight poured on my face; it was my cue. I started walking down to the altar with as people glanced at me, murmured, smiled and cried. I looked to see Severus, standing beside Malfoy and Draco, with a smile on his face and his eyes gleaming. He had actually seemed to wash his hair, even if the roots were greasy; his robes were neat and clean, fitting him inch by inch.

As soon as I reached the altar, which seemed to get farther rather than closer, he took my hand and I felt my confidence go up. Then, a smiling Dumbledore started the ceremony.

"We are gathered here today for the matrimony of these two people. If somebody objects or thinks they should not get married, speak now or forever hold your peace…" Silence was all we could hear, when I was sure to hear Malfoy, Narcissa or some other unwanted guest say something. But there was total silence, so Dumbledore continued:

"Love is one of the most powerful forces on earth. It is even more powerful than any magic, dark or good. It brings people together, for better or for worse, even if they are totally different. For years, we have been blind, thinking that our worst enemy could ever be something more, when in reality if you let it go, you might find more then you thought. This couple is one of many examples to prove that point. They might comprise the only Slytherin and Gryffindor couple that has ever existed in the books. They set an example that everybody should think of, because they defied the laws in order to be together. Many people don't agree with them, still living in the shadows of stupid rules and unflattering laws. By getting married, these two have set new rules and laws that should suit all of us."

I was crying, while his words came out and reached us. Severus was holding my hands, looking intensively at me, while my tears of joy were coming out. We were changing something and I was proud to do so. Even with a difference in our amount of love for each other, we were still getting married pushing boundaries. Severus was looking deep in my eyes, as I lifted my head to watch him. He smiled weakly at me and I could feel his hands squeezing mine. I could feel this sort of…power between us, holding our gazes together.

"Now for the vows… Severus, you may start." That was when the most romantic thing Severus ever did for me, happened.

"Nathalie," he said without breaking our gaze, "I may have hurt you, I may have been a jerk, but every single time you take me back. I might have not shown you the love you deserve to have because of past heart aches. You might be second place but second place, to me now, is everything that you can ever have. You showed me a side of me I never knew I had, showed me that I can love more then one person. You loved me even in my deep times and for that is why I will make you mine, because you make me whole. I need you; I want you to be my wife. I take you to be my wife, lover and especially best friend. I take you and I will keep you in times of joy, as well as in times of failure. I will cherish every second of your company, I will cherish the love you give me and I hope you will cherish the love I can give you. I love you forever and for always." He made me cry even more, his words had touched me so much. I just couldn't focus anymore.

"Nathalie…your turn…" I took a deep breath and said:

"I thought I could never love again after Sirius left me in pieces. I also thought I could never get back with you; always being second best. But I was completely wrong; second best to me is even better then first place…You made me feel again, made me whole, made me…something…you made me better. You always say you mistreated me because I'm second best, made me feel un-worthy and that you where a jerk. Really, you weren't, you made me become more of a woman than I was before. That is why I take you to be my partner, loving what I know of you, and trusting what I do not yet know. I eagerly anticipate the chance to grow together, getting to know the Severus you will become, and falling in love a little more every day. I promise to love and cherish you through whatever life may bring us…I love you, Severus Snape."

He looked at me with his eyes exploding with emotion! Our vows had shown the world that we loved each other even if we weren't the first pick for each other and that even with that we still manage to love each other just enough to want to spend the rest of our lies together. His hands moved up my waist as Dumbledore spoke:

"Severus Tobias Snape, do you take Nathalie Adelina McGonagall as your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Yes, I do." He smiled at me as I started to cry even more.

"Nathalie Adelina McGonagall, do you take Severus Tobias Snape as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"Yes, I do," I said, while crying another big river. Severus took his handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped the tears off my face, so Dumbledore could continue. It was ring time. Dumbledore made a goblet of a fuming Bonding Potion, which appeared in front of us. Emma gave me Severus's ring as Malfoy gave my ring to Severus.

"You may drop your bonding rings in the potion." A little 'plop' and the rings fell in the cup. Then, Dumbledore took a knife out of his pocket and held it between us. Severus took it and put it near my wedding finger as he said:

"This ring is a sign of my love for you. As we are two bonded together so will our love last a lifetime. Forever." Then, he cut the outline of my finger, where the ring was to be placed. I made a noise of pain and I did the same to his finger. Afterwards, Dumbledore took out the rings and we placed them on our fingers. It stung for a while, and then I felt the ring getting tighter around my finger. We were bonded; _we were __**married**_.

"By the magical powers invested me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."

Severus lifted the veil from my face and wrapped his arms around my waist completely. I put my arms around his neck. At the precise moment, where he bent to kiss me, the wind blew and made the flowers lose their petals. They flew in the wind just when his lips touched mine. The kiss was as magical, passionate and romantic even more then our first kiss. I was taken away and I couldn't even hear the music starting and the crowd clapping, standing up.

We had to let go after a while, since the ceremony had to proceed. We went down the aisle as our witness came with us to sign papers. It was the last time I was to sign my maiden name! Our witnesses signed beside our names on the legal papers. Severus chose to have Lucius and Narcissa as his witnesses and I chose Mother and Emma. Afterwards, Severus and I were led to an empty classroom to wait in until the reception. After the door, close silence came over us as all we could hear were the students being rushed to their dormitories and the guests going into the Great Hall. I looked to see Severus smiling at me. He took me in his arms and showered me with kisses. I was asking myself why we were having a reception, when I only wanted to be with him.

"I could devour you right now; you know that dress makes you look so beautiful?" I giggled as we kissed again.

Then, suddenly the door opened and Dumbledore said:

"We're ready for you now…" We let go of each other's embrace and walked into the Great Hall hand-in-hand with confidence and love. The room was filled with ribbons, flowers, round tables and a big table in the middle. People were clapping and throwing confetti at us; Mother was crying, Draco was running around, the bridesmaids were laughing and Severus was _smiling_. We started by eating a little something, while there was a toast from Malfoy and Mother. Malfoy started.

"I have known Severus for so long, it's almost impossible for me to actually remember the first time we meet. He was a silent, shy, frail little boy who always had his head in a book. He never seemed to be the type who cared about girls or ever thought about having a girlfriend. But one day, I caught him eyeing this woman right here and I knew he was going to go to the ends of the earth to get her. Ambitious little boy he was and he did get her.

"They broke up, made up, broke again and made up again, only to prove that love is never perfect. I don't know how many times I told him, she isn't for you, she isn't your type, and she'll be annoying, it isn't love…but even then he kept to his goal and today he achieved it. I think they might not be a couple nor the perfect one, but I am sure that his love for the now, Mrs. Snape, is genuine. A toast for the man who finally got what he always wanted, a girl who loves him." He finished by sitting back down with a grin.

His speech wasn't that _bad_ nor what is that _good_, mentioning himself and his belief towards me. I could see a sad looking Narcissa sitting beside him with a bouncing, hyper Draco. But, you could see that Lucius' speech made Severus happy, because _**he**_ did say _**he**_ _thought_ Severus _really_ did love me. But I realised Lily was not mentioned in the speech and Severus had told me Lucius knew about his feelings towards her. Yet, I think it was wise for Lucius not to mention her on our wedding day but I'm sure she was in the message's thought. Also, I have a feeling Severus would like to keep his feelings for Lily under wraps and private; although his vows and mine didn't leave much to the imagination. My thoughts were broken as it was time for Mother to do her speech.

"Nathalie," she said smiling and crying. "I have always dreamed that this day would come, where you would get married to the love of your life. Since you were a little child, you always dreamed of finding your own Prince Charming, being influence by the relationship your father and I had. You have always been a die hard romantic and since you have been with Severus, I see all the passion, romance and love come out of you, just for him. You have been through hell and back to get to your happy ending and you finally got it. If your father were still here to see this day, he would agree with me by saying…We're proud of you.

"Proud of your strength, of your charisma and of your choice. I have never seen somebody make you so happy…in all my life have I never seen you so happy period. Just when I thought you weren't going to cure, you did…just when I thought it was your end, it was a beginning. Severus brought all of your personality out and changed you, as you said, into a better woman. If you knew just how much I admire your strength about the whole situation you were in…"

She started to cry and couldn't even finish. I got up and hugged her as we both cried. A toast was proclaimed as we were crying into each other. We let go afterwards, because it was cake time! A mountain of chocolate, designed whip cream and flowers was put before us to cut. Severus took my hand that was holding the knife and pressed crookedly the utensil into the cake. Pieces we distributed to the guests and during that time, I had smooshed my piece into Severus's mouth as he did the same for me. I had kind of missed his mouth so he had some on his face. He left to wash up while I was talking with friends and family, showing off my ring and catching up. I was conversing with a friend when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see Severus's grandmother and grandfather standing before me!

"Do you know where Severus is? We need to speak to him…" Before I could even reply, I heard his voice behind me say:

"I thought I said I never wanted to see anyone of you again?" I didn't know what was going on, nor did I want to get into it. Severus took my hand and added:

"I would like an answer regarding why you won't leave me alone, like you threatened to do so many times when I was young?" His grandmother came up and said in a sad voice:

"Your grandfather and I are sorry for…everything. We never meant anything and we see now, we were fools. We were too protective of you and your mother and now…Eileen is dead and we regret it. We just didn't want you to become like your father…We are sorry for everything…" With fiery eyes Severus said:

"The harm has been done already, for more than twenty years it has been…it's too late to apologise. Now leave me alone with my wife to live a life that is going to be better than anything you've brought me. Now leave…so I don't have to remember all the pain you put me through." He walked away with my hand as his grandparents left with no apparent regret. He sat me in a nearby chair and explained everything to me.

Days after his mother had died he had visited them, to tell them the news because the Daily Prophet ended up not putting an announcement for her death in the obituaries. At first they seemed sad, but then his grandfather said that it wasn't a big loss and that they could do without her. Of course, Severus lost it and got mad at them. He got into a fight with the both of them regarding Eileen, money and everything basically. He was sick of them and decided to shut them out of his life, even if they had money to support us.

"I am so sad this had to happen today…I'm sorry…" I said.

"Don't be," he replied, kissing my hand. "It isn't your fault… You should be happy that I can finally have my own life with you…" I smiled as suddenly, the lights dimmed and music started. It was our cue to dance. He looked at me sadly and said:

"I don't want to dance…can we skip to the other parts?" I laughed as I replied:

"No, it will be the only dance we will ever have, so take it in stride…" He smiled sarcastically as he took me to the dance floor.

He put an arm around my waist and I imitated him with my other hand. We twirled around to the song. It was a sight to see; Severus was actually dancing and he was very good at it too! I laid my head on his shoulder and slid my hand around his waist. He murmured in my ear some romantic phrases but most of them were that he wanted to get out of here now and eat me up, because this dress was driving him crazy!

Finally, the music stopped and he kissed me. The reception was over. It was time to go to our honeymoon. I went to my quarters to change as Mother gave me a '_prep-talk' _about what was coming up. I really wasn't listening, I was too busy changing and making sure I had everything. I came to say bye to the guests and I threw my bouquet to the single girls. Emma caught it and she looked at Remus with a hopeful smile. He smiled back and it made me happy to see them both like that. Severus was waiting for me in the entrance hall. Well, mostly, it was _Malfoy_ and him. He was giving _advice_ to Severus about tonight. Like we need _his_ perverted ways…We are going to spend the night at Spinner's End then we are leaving for the cottage tomorrow morning. I left all of the night behind me as I held Severus's hand to Apparate in front of our house.

He took me in his arms, into the house and let go of me on the bed. We kissed for a while until I asked if I could change first. My friends' gift (I'll finally admit is lingerie nightgowns) needed to be…used with all the emotions I had. Then, afterwards, I asked him if could just write about the day and take a tour of the finished house while he was getting the room ready. He agreed with a smile. I found, in a spare bedroom, a new office, where I sat and wrote all of this.

And I bring myself to right now. I can't wait until tonight, after all the waiting and temptation everything. I am the happiest ever and I can't believe my wedding has finally come and passed. I can't wait for all the days, nights, happiness, fights, make-ups and most of all just spending a beautiful life with this man. I am in love with him so hard it hurts! I can't express it; if I could, it would take me a lifetime!

* * *

She had finally fallen asleep in his arms after a long period of lovemaking. He had finally had her in every way possible; he had finally proven that he really did love her. After all the wait and temptations it was worth it, she was right. It had been bittersweet, until the last moments. He couldn't believe he had lasted that long, waiting for her approval, if only he had known she was this good…

Seeing her in the wedding dress had made him go crazy, and then the negligee she had gotten from her friends had crossed the line and he could no longer wait. The beautiful red nightgown made him a very happy man. He had passed the most beautiful day ever and she had just made it better. Her moans, her kisses, her touch, her creamy skin… everything…had made it worth all the waiting. He had been accustomed to paying for sex, but waiting and wanting one woman for who she was, and not the pleasure was new to him. And he liked it.

He took one of her perfect curls and twisted it between his fingers as she cuddled up towards him some more. In her sleep, she was wearing a smile, which seemed like it was never going to leave her face. He let go of the curl and buried his head in her hair. It smelt like rose and lavender; it smelt like a woman. Speaking of sent, the smell of lilies came up in the mixed sent of her hair…Oh Lily! He hadn't thought of her since Draco had asked him if he loved Nathalie. But he was pretty sure his vows made it clear… but he couldn't stop thinking of how it would have been with Lily if he didn't call her a …Maybe it would be her, wrapped in his arms after the most beautiful wedding…No, Lily never thought of him more then a best friend even if too him she was the world. But, he decided that from this day on, Lily would still be present in his life as long as he took the time to make sure Nathalie was cared for properly by a man who loved her. Maybe not as much as she loves him but it was still better then nothing or Black. And if in the end he had to die for the memory of Lily or Nathalie he would do it because they meant the world to him

His thoughts stopped as he felt Nathalie move slightly in his arms, mumbling something and cuddling up even closer to his chest. She was the perfect woman and he wondered why Malfoy said she was different. She was like all women, wanting more. He couldn't wait for the honeymoon when it would only be the two of them, for a week… he grinned at the thought.

He remembered the lovemaking they had just done. It was obviously her first time; she was in little pain at the beginning, almost to tears but then it eased as he comforted her. He remembered the sort of attraction they had… It was sort of magical…there was something that had…worked between them. Like if magic or something was passed trough from him to her that made it sweeter then he ever imagined it to be. He had felt that connection, and he wondered if she did too…

The candles in the room flickered from the wind coming in from the lightly opened windows which blew the curtains slightly, in a very romantic way. He felt his eyelids becoming heavy. He was tired and yet he wanted to stay up and watch her sleep. But he dozed off, thinking of the week to come…


	26. Honeymoon's Over, Dear

Twenty-Fifth of April

Dear Diary,

Today I am in the best mood ever. I woke up in Severus's arms after a most comfortable sleep. We had the best night ever…He had prepared the bedroom with millions and millions of candles, rose petals and relaxed me beforehand. He really had thought everything through. I will always remember our first time; it is still clear in my memory. It hurt at first, but I easily got over it because of his comforting. Afterwards that it went smoothly where there was this sort of… fusion. Like magic was passed trough to him to me and I felt this sort of weird feeling afterwards, in my stomach. But it was still more then anything I ever thought it would be…

But enough of that; I woke up in Severus's arms as he kissed my forehead lazily. We didn't really have time to have a breakfast since we were in a hurry to get to the cottage, since Severus _had_ to join me in the shower…

We made sure we had everything, then we Apparated to the cottage owner's house. Mr. McGrady is a little man, plump with a very big heart. He gave us a warm welcome into his home to sign the papers. We met his wife, a very tall woman with glasses. He and Severus negotiated the price as Mrs. McGrady spoke with me about married life. I wasn't paying attention really; I was already tired of Mother trying to do the same. Then, we had to sign a contract to insure our trust in keeping the cottage nice and clean. As it was my turn to sign, I signed:

_Nathalie McGonagall_

Instead of

_Nathalie Snape_

I was giving the papers back when Severus saw it and mentioned it. I was so used to signing with my maiden name; I had completely forgotten my new name! I had to sign again, under Severus's watch, to see if I would forget that I am a married woman again. I think it upset him a little…

Then, we were _'driven'_ to the cottage in what Muggles call a '_car'_. The cottage is situated west of a hill with tall grasses and south of a forest and river, which we can swim in. Mr. McGrady left us in front of a small wooden gate with a smile. Severus was looking at my reaction, if I was happy or not. But, I definitely am, very much. His look went from studying to hunger in a flash, so I rolled my eyes at him and marched into the house.

It's warm, cosy and inviting with a living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom, of course. It's fairly spacious and it will suit us for a week. After looking around, I went to the bedroom to put the luggage there. Severus, following me, thought I was being dirty, so when I went to kiss him as a thank you, he pushed me on the bed. I didn't fell like telling him to get off, so I let him have me like he wanted to … ah, men.

I can't wait for the week to pass, for all the days I am to spend with him. I don't want it to go fast nor do I want it to take forever. I want to see what all the fuss is about married life. People say it's amazing others say it hell, people say it's hard, people say easy. I want to be able to judge by myself. I also want to experience what it is like to wake up to the same person everyday, to have fight about nonsense, to make up, to have to share everything. I…Before I go into daydreaming about it, I have to push Severus into the river, for throwing some water on me while I was writing.

Second of May

Dear Diary,

We finally came back from the most wonderful honeymoon a couple could have! It was so romantic and I actually never wanted it to end. We just came back to work today and I miss the cottage already. I miss being alone with Severus and sharing intimate moments without any students snickering at us. I miss sleeping in his arms, waking up at lunchtime, making love whenever we felt like it and having brunch in bed. But sadly, life goes on and so do we. Some students have been calling me Mrs. Snape and every time it makes me smile and giggle. When Severus found that out, he started calling me that, just so he could hear my giggles. He says my smile and laughter makes him the happiest he has ever been…

Seventh of May

Dear Diary,

The week went very fast and it seems that it will end tomorrow. I have been very busy working, trying to keep up with the time left to teach what is left. It doesn't help that I have been feeling very dizzy and tired. I think it might come from my lack of sleep because of Severus wanting to keep me up all night. But also, my stomach has been aching for some while and I swear every morning I feel like I'm going to be sick. Hopefully it will go away. I haven't told Severus, fearing he will go nuts, thinking I'm dying…

Tenth of May

Dear Diary,

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my father's death. We, (Mother, Dumbledore, Severus and I) just came back from visiting his grave. Mother kept crying on Dumbledore's shoulder, while I was holding back from collapsing in Severus's arms. My father and I were very close and it sickens me that he died so young. He didn't even live to see me get married and have his grandchildren.

I was analyzed how much Mother seems to have changed since he died. Her bright and cheerful disposition seems to have disappeared for a strict and distant personality instead. She has also changed body wise; lost wait, she has been putting her hair in a bun… She always did put her hair that way, but it seems to be tighter than usual which makes her look… mean. Her attitude has become more…rigid and stern…she uses to be nice and soft. She is having difficulties reading and focusing with her eyes, I think the crying has made her eyes weak and now she needs glasses…or it's just old age.

Thirteenth of May

Dear Diary,

This morning, Severus had to get up early to make a potion so I stayed in bed. After a few minutes, I felt my stomach hurting and I felt like I was going to be sick. I did get sick and the weird thing is that I feel fine now. It sort of goes on and off and I feel very tired, even if I have been sleeping a lot. If I do too much I get dizzy and I need to sit. My stomach and abdomen have been bloated and I get very bad cramps at some points. It's been getting worse and Severus still doesn't know. I am considering telling him, but I don't want him to do something stupid to help me, like before. His reactions can go to the extreme…

On the other side of my life, the end of the year is coming to an end soon, which means summer is right around the corner. I have been wondering what Severus and I will do for it. I usually go somewhere for the summer, like Scotland, to visit family, or Ireland, to see the nice green grass. But I'm sure Severus and I can't afford it and knowing him, he would rather stay at home with me. This weekend, I am going to calculate our yearly budget to see if we can afford a trip or not.

Fifteenth of May

Dear Diary,

This weekend has been a hectic one! I had to correct and grade papers, and then I calculated our budget twice because I lost count of what I was doing when I dozed off the first time calculating the budget. Our budget is very, very, very tight; we actually might not have enough to take a trip. We have to pay our house off for the next 2 years (whatever Muggles do), we need to pay for food and health-related matters during the summer, along with little stuff here and there. The honeymoon took a lot out of Severus's account and his mother didn't have a lot to give to him either. My account isn't as full as he thought it was. My parents are wealthy, yes, but I won't inherit any money until both of them have passed away. So I have only what I got by working here and there while paying off my apprenticeship for Auror School.

I went to go see Dumbledore and I asked if we could both have a little more money added to our paycheques and he agreed. If it isn't enough, I'm sure Mother wouldn't mind lending some money, since I am to inherit it anyways. But the budget is still a little tight. Severus told me not to worry about it and that we would make it through with no worries. But he is the one worrying now, since I told him about my illness.

We were snogging on his desk, when I felt a jolt of pain come through my stomach and up. I was going to be sick and he saw, so it wasn't a secret anymore. He asked me if I was ok and I told him the truth. At first he didn't seem very worried, but then he took me to his potion's closet and asked me my symptoms again.

"Dizziness, stomach ache and bloating, tiredness…vomiting, mostly in the morning…" As I recited my symptoms, he was moving around on his ladder to every potion that qualified as a treatment for it. He moved again and again after I was done and then stopped in front of one potion.

"Dizziness, stomach ach and bloating, tiredness, vomiting in the morning?" I nodded as he looked back at the potion. Then he looked at me with some fear and said:

"The only potion I have for that is a Soothing-Pregnancy Potion…You're not pregnant…Are you?" Then panic erupted; was I pregnant?

"I don't know…let me check if I'm late…" I went to check and I was due for my time of the month this week.

"I'm due this week…I can't say if I am late yet…I hope not." He held me in his arms as I imagined expecting a child. We just got married so we wouldn't be able to financially support a child. I lifted my chin to look at Severus and said:

"What if I am pregnant? What are we going to do?"

"I don't know," he said, looking at my stomach. "We are not ready to have a child and we haven't even passed our four year agreement. I don't know…you could have an abortion or we could put it up for adoption…"

"Are you saying that we give up the child? ARE YOU MAD?" I asked, shaking him out of fear; what the hell was he thinking?

"But we're NOT READY! We can't have it if we can't afford to have one…" I stopped arguing with him after that, since it was hurting my stomach. I think he is wrong and that if I am pregnant we should take care of the child and keep it because it's our fault we didn't prevent the pregnancy. I can't give up the child to somebody else or kill it with an abortion. It's our child…

We decided to wait and see if I was going to have my period. If I don't it this week, we are going to go see Mme. Pomfrey, but we are going to keep silent about this whole baby-incident. We didn't talk much after making our decision, knowing that I wanted to keep the maybe-child and that he wanted to give it up. He kissed me goodnight but I didn't kiss him back…I keep thinking in my mind…How could he bear to kill the child or give it up?


	27. Pregnant Or Not Pregnant

Eighteenth of May

Dear Diary,

False alarm! I am not pregnant; I started to have my period today! Well, I had my usual back cramps so I know I'm not pregnant…I went to see Severus and he seemed very happy! Severus will finally talk to me!

Later, Eighteenth of May

Dear Diary,

I didn't get my period, which means the cramps were a false alarm, which also means I could be pregnant. I didn't tell Severus because he just started to talk to me again. I am going to fake my period until I see if I really get it. I am very scared, because if I am pregnant, Severus will get mad at me for lying and we are going to have to make a choice to keep the child or not.

Severus isn't here, so I can cry in silence without him knowing. I can't believe he would be as cruel as wanting _our_ child to die. He wants the fruit of _our_ love to _die_. Adoption is out of question, because we wouldn't be able to adopt the child back when we are ready to have children. He only wants the child to die because he doesn't want to be a father like his own father, leaving me alone with the child. I know he won't because he isn't his father. But he doesn't believe me so he doesn't want children. The four years thing was bullshit; knowing him, it was just a way to distract me from thinking of having children so we would end up without any. It's making me sad and if I keep crying about it he will notice and then war will erupt…And we just got married.

Twenty-First of May

Dear Diary,

It's been a week and I still haven't started my period. I am going to wait until the end of the month before I go see Mme. Pomfrey for a pregnancy test. I am getting very worried and trying to mask it isn't easy. I have been sick every morning now and trying to mask my vomiting is harder than it sounds. Every time I have to cast a silence spell and I have to make sure Severus isn't too near. So far, so good, but it could easily change…

Twenty-Second of May

Dear Diary,

Severus isn't stupid; he knows something's wrong. Today, I was sitting and reading a book quietly as he sat beside me; then took me in his arms and kissed me. He looked deep into my eyes and said:

"Why are you sad? You seem to have been very distant since the pregnancy scare…Are you upset about my reaction?" I didn't know what to say so I decided to go with his excuse. I told him that it had upset me that he didn't want to have children and that he wanted our child to die and the whole package. He took it very seriously as he said:

"I just don't want to have children because I won't be a good father. I don't have patience, I am not a very amusing man and I hate to play make-believe. My father changed when I was born and I am sure to do the same. I don't want to take the risk of losing you and the baby just because of a stupid reaction and whatnot. I also prefer to spend the rest of my life with you, only us two, with nothing to be bothered with. I know you want children and I promise you I'll think about it, but just not now…in a year I'll think about it. I promise."

"In a year?" I asked. Hopefully I could reduce the time from a year to a month; if I were pregnant he'd be ready for it.

"A year and not before…I promise." I sighed to myself; it had been a week and there was a week left until the end of the month. I had gotten my period earlier before our wedding so I was safe, but I guess I might have miss-calculated.

After that talk we went to Hogsmeade for dinner and we passed in front of a baby store. I looked in it, knowing I would be there soon, shopping for a baby to come. Severus saw me gazing at the shop's window and held me tight in his grip. He really is serious about this baby thing and I fear that if I tell him I'm pregnant it will break everything up. If we waited a year and he changed or if I had a baby now, we would end up in pieces. I don't want to lose him again…

Twenty-Fifth of May

Dear Diary,

If I don't start by the end of this weekend, which is in…five days (counting today), I am to go see Mme. Pomfrey for an exam. My symptoms aren't getting better; maybe a bad flu affected my cycle. I took a nap this afternoon, because the more I seem to do, the more tired I get. Severus had to wake me up so I wouldn't miss class. He is worried for me and asked me if I still had the symptoms. At that moment I gagged and well… I had to tell him yes. He told me that if I didn't get better by the end of the week I was to see Mme Pomfrey, even if I didn't want to. Either way I am stuck seeing her.

Twenty-Ninth of May

Dear Diary,

I haven't started and I haven't stopped getting sick so Severus said I was going to go see Mme. Pomfrey tomorrow at lunch. He, thankfully, won't be there since he is supervising a detention. I don't want him to be there either, in case I am pregnant. I know that my time with him as my husband is short, because it's sure to end tomorrow if I am pregnant. I just have to focus on looking fine so he won't think there is more to it than he thinks.

He took me out this weekend. We spent time outside, in Hogsmeade, at the lake etc. We did mostly everything I wanted to do, because he could feel that I was un-happy. He thinks he's doing something wrong, but it's the both of us; we made this child and it is ours to keep and raise. I am sure he will want me to get an abortion or something…I am very frightened and I never want today to end so I won't have to live with tomorrow.

Thirtieth of May

Dear Diary,

Lunchtime came faster than it usually does, since I felt nervous coming to see Mme. Pomfrey. She sat me on a bed and asked me what my symptoms were. I recited them one by one, twisting my fingers and hoping she wouldn't ask me about my period.

"These symptoms are very common for pregnant ladies. Have you had your period or are you due?" I took a deep breath; I couldn't lie anymore.

"It's been late for the past couple of…weeks." She looked sternly at me and said:

"How long?"

"Two weeks…"

She made a face, thinking of me being pregnant with Severus's child as she went to get me a Pregnancy Test Potion. She made me take a pee in the goblet, and then she put some ingredients in it and let it set for a while. As it was setting, she asked me if I was ready to have children, so soon in the marriage. I replied by saying that I didn't mind but Severus did. I told her he would probably want me to have an abortion, because we we're not ready and we don't have enough money to raise the child in complete happiness.

She was about to say something when the potion turned out to be ready. I sat and prayed to God that I wasn't with child. She poured it out into a Magical Medical Reading Plate, looked at it and said without lifting her head from it:

"Nathalie…you're pregnant."

My heart sank as her words echoed in my head. I had fallen on the bed, crying my soul out. My feelings started as happy and cheerful. I was pregnant with a child, _Severus and my child_. Then, it changed to sadness. Severus was probably going to want me to give this child up, because _we weren't ready_.

"When was it conceived?" I asked, slowly raising my head up.

"The twenty-fourth of April…" Mme Pomfrey replied, looking at me. "What are you going to do? If Severus doesn't want it…"

"I don't know…I will advise you if I do need something." She nodded and let me go. I ran up a flight of stairs, to a door. I knocked three times as it opened.

"Mother…Mummy…" Mother took off her glasses and said:

"You haven't called me that in the longest time…What's wrong?" I started to cry as she pushed me into the room. She made me tea and asked:

"What's wrong?" I explained my whole story from beginning to end. I told her of Severus's choices and my choices and the last thing I said was:

"…I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do…" She started crying herself as the words sank into her head. She opened her arms for me to rest in as we both cried; one of happiness and the other of sadness. We were in each other's arms until Dumbledore came in and said:

"Why aren't your both at your classes?" Mother got up and took him outside to explain the situation. He came back in, letting Mother and I together, but not before saying:

"Severus asked me to tell you that you have to meet him at the Astronomy Tower for dinner…I hope all goes well…" He left Mother and me alone, tears streaming down both of our faces.

The rest of the afternoon, we didn't teach as we were rehearsing the ways I could break the news to Severus. She told me to be calm and not let my face show that something was wrong. Dinner time came faster than expected and my nerves started to bounce everywhere. I went to change into something nice and then I went to see Severus with deep breaths. But my nerves floated away as I entered the Astronomy Tower. He had decorated it with red roses, a romantic table was set up for two and with the sunset outside, it was so romantic…I was amazed and the baby went out of my head as he came up to me with a smile. He took me in his arms and murmured in my ear:

"Does this make you less mad at me?" He kissed me even before I could reply. I smiled and said:

"Yes…_a little_…" He smiled as he kissed me again and motioned me to the table. We had a lovely dinner and the baby was lost in my thoughts. We had one of my favourite meals, _wine_ and our dessert was left over wedding cake. He told me he did it all for me so we could be in speaking terms again. I smiled weakly, saying we were talking and there was nothing wrong. But, he put the child back in my head as he said:

"Well, you seemed mad at me, ever since the pregnancy scare and the whole abortion and adoption situation…You never seemed to get over it either… What's wrong?" I spat out my wine, remembering it wasn't good to consume when pregnant. I felt like regurgitating all the wine, so I wouldn't hurt the baby. I looked up to Severus and said:

"The wine…made my stomach upset," I said quietly as I moved towards the windows, where the sun was setting with perfection. I laid my glass on the window ledge and watch the day go by, with Severus's arms around my waist. His hand was on my abdomen and I thought of the little life growing inside. I was about to bring it up when Severus asked:

"That reminds me…how was your appointment with Pomfrey? What was the diagnosis?" I turned to him and said:

"Severus…about that…we need to talk. It would be best if you sat down." He sat on a near by desk for students as he looked at me with fear in his eyes.

"Nathalie, what is it? Nothing serious I hope…" I took a deep breath and let my feelings explode.

"I never got my period; I only said so to make you feel better. I went to see Mme Pomfrey today and my diagnosis is… We are going to have a child. I'm pregnant." I waited for a furious reaction but instead he looked at me with no emotion as he said:

"I am going to be a father?" I smiled slowly and said:

"Yes…A little Snape will be coming soon and it will want all the love you can give it…" I ended childishly, hoping it would lighten the mood up a bit.

"Who said it was coming? We are not ready, Nathalie; we can't have this child. As much as you want it, we can't afford it. You should have taken an Anti-Pregnancy Potion…"

"WHOA!" I said, frowning. "This isn't just my fault; this is _your_ child too. So why are you saying _I_ should have taken the potion instead of _you_?"

"Well you're the one carrying the child, so you should have thought about it!"

"Me? Me? Who's the person who didn't want children? You could have taken it too…If we didn't have sex, it would have never happened."

"So you're saying it's my fault because I had sex with you? It's your body and all you had to do was take the potion!"

"Like I was going to think about a potion on our wedding night!" He opened his mouth to say something when suddenly he shut it again. He got up, went towards the giant windows where the sun had nearly set. He said while looking at the purple-hazed sky:

"Are you telling me this child was conceived on our wedding night?" I faintly replied 'yes' as he held his hands behind his back.

"Do you remember, maybe it was only me, the first time we ever had sex, this sort of magical attraction between us, as we were making love?"

"Yes, but what does this have to do with it?" I asked furiously.

"It means that we felt that we had conceived but none of us said anything."

"Well maybe it's the fact that you are too stubborn to admit that this situation is your fault to…" I said without thinking.

"I am not stubborn, it's just that you could have been a little more careful; you are the one who thinks about these things, not me."

"Why is it me? You could have done as well. You were the one who said no kids before a year and you should have thought about a potion Mister Potions Master. It seems you don't want to take responsibility for this situation, like it's not your fault…"

"I am not placing the blame on you or on myself!" He was getting closer to me as we were both standing in front of each other.

"I don't think so…you know, I think you are just scared that you will end up like your father, but right now, you are placing the blame on me and not wanting to take responsibility. You are really acting like your father…"

"I AM NOT BEING LIKE MY FATHER, SO DON'T YOU DARE SAY I AM BEING LIKE HIM! YOU'RE LUCKY BECAUSE I WOULD BE BEATING YOU UP IF I WERE!" He screamed with anger in his face; he couldn't believe I was saying such a thing.

"WELL, YOUR ATTITUDE ISN'T PROVING ANYTHING! IF YOU WERE THE SEVERUS I KNOW AND FELL IN LOVE WITH, HE WOULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY OF HIS DAMN ACTIONS AND HELP ME BEAR THIS CHILD AND NOT MAKE THIS BIG STORY UP!" I screamed back at him.

"YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU? I DON'T WANT OUR RELATIONSHIP TO BE LIKE MY PARENTS'! THEIR MARRIAGE WAS RUINED WHEN I WAS BORN!" He stormed off after bellowing the last phrase. I was left in tears to clean up our almost perfect night, crying a river because I had just ruined our relationship. I didn't want to go see him again, so I decided to pay Mother a second visit. She held me in her arms as I cried out my heart, thinking of Severus. I am going to sleep on her couch, since I don't want to go to my office or see Severus again.

First of June

Dear Diary,

The past two days have been _dreadful_. Severus hasn't spoken to me, except for on the morning of the thirty-first. I went down to eat breakfast and I decided to talk to him. I sat beside him and said a faint good-morning while he read the paper, ignoring me. After a while, I couldn't stand the silence so I said:

"Severus, about yesterday…"

"There is nothing to discuss, Mrs. Snape. We are to have the child and raise it in orderly fashion."

"But that's not what _you_ want…we need to sort this out…"

"There is nothing to sort out, Mrs. Snape," he replied, still not looking up from his paper.

"Severus, what is wrong with you? Why are you calling me Mrs. Snape instead of Nathalie? What's wrong?" He rose from the table, saying:

"What's bothering me is that _I_ don't have a say in _our_ life. I must go…" He went away, leaving me in tears as Mother gave him a dark look and held me in her arms.

We haven't spoken since then, I haven't returned to our quarters; I have been sleeping on the couch of my own quarters. I get my meals brought down to me so I don't have to see him. Not that I get any sleep or eat anything; he's made me so upset that I can't function. We have crossed in the corridors a few times and I always start crying as he lightly, evilly, grins. My birthday is coming up in two days and I am sure I do not want to celebrate it with him. Mother is planning a party behind my back to make me feel better.

I want to go see Severus and tell him that I don't want this child, because it is breaking us. I mean, I think it's best if we wait and settle together better. I think we need to be more comfortable with each other and have more money. Severus still thinks he will be like his father and that is one of the problems. The other problems are money and maturity. We are too young to have children and we don't have money. I mean we are only twenty-two (I am going to be twenty-two in two days) and money is only starting to be important. I see what Severus meant by not ready and for our sakes, this baby must go. He doesn't want to jeopardise us and I get it now. Maybe in a year I will have made him see that he is not like his father and maybe…just maybe…we could have children.

I wonder if I will ever be able to tell him what I just wrote…

Third of June

Dear Diary,

Today was my birthday. This morning was hell since I walked alone and was sad for the first moments of my twenty-second year. Lunch was a little better because Mother threw me a party in the teacher's lounge. The whole staff was there, giving me presents but sadly they weren't the presents I hoped to have. They were all baby items, since the staff knew about the pregnancy. I haven't told anybody I am giving up the baby because it has been causing too many problems for Severus and me. I had opened all the gifts and we were having tea when I opened my mouth to say the news, when suddenly the door opened. Severus came in and looked at the gifts with a face, as the room became silent. He was over at a desk, looking for a file of some sort when I said:

"I thank you all for these wonderful gifts, but I am sorry to say they will not be needed." I saw Severus's head move a little to listen.

"Why not?" said Mother with a frowning face, while the other guests looked puzzled.

"_We, _that is, Severus and I,have decided not to have the child. _We_ are too young to have it and _we_ really think it's too soon. _We_ are only twenty-two and _we_ can't afford it. I know you would all offer financial assistance, but _we_ don't want to accept help because _we_ are just not ready for a child. I hope you will take this as a decision that _we_ both took and not just a verdict from _one _of us." I saw Severus smile lightly as he passed by me to leave without a sound.

"You are not just saying this because you and Severus are in a fight?" Mother asked.

"No. I see that he was right all along; we can't have this child when we are not ready," I replied simply as Mother started crying. She was really happy to _almost_ have a grandchild to take care of.

"I really thank you all for this wonderful afternoon, but we must all go back to class." I said, catching Dumbledore's look.

I went to the Great Hall tonight for supper, but Severus still didn't say anything to me. Afterwards, Mme. Pomfrey told me the procedure to have an abortion. I am schedule for one, in September, when the baby will have grown a little more and summer will have past; that way, if we change our minds, we still have time to save the baby. I went to my office to grade papers after that meeting regarding the baby's fate. I opened the door to see Severus waiting for me to come. We both stood silently in front of each other for the longest time, fearful of saying something that would ruin the moment. Then, he came up to me and closed the door behind us. As we gazed at each other, I felt a jolt in my stomach. Then, the silence couldn't be held anymore, so Severus said:

"I am really sorry I had to show you what I meant by hurting you. I want this child, but we are not ready. We still have to accommodate for each other's presence and we are too young. Even if we would be able to afford it, we aren't ready. I still have to face the fact that I am different from my father and that I will not be like him and leave you."

"But can't you see? Every time I tell you that you are not like him, I mean it! I am not saying that to make you feel better, it's the reality! I never meant what I said the other day, because you are a completely different man than him. That's why I love you…you are _my_ Severus… _forever_. No child will ever take that away from me…" He took me in his arms and kissed me. Then, he let go as he searched for something in his pocket. Suddenly, he took out a pearl necklace for me.

"Wow!" I said while he was putting it on me. He turned me around and murmured in my ear:

"Pearls for my June wife…" I smiled and kissed him in thanks. I think I never had a better birthday than this one.

I didn't even bother with the grading of papers. Now, in our quarters, Severus is taking a shower and I am writing this down as I feel my tummy rumbling. I love my Severus.


	28. All I Ask Of You

Sixth of June

Dear Diary,

We went to see Draco yesterday. It was his birthday; he is now two years old. We told his parents that we were expecting a child, but that it was going to get aborted. Draco heard the news and started to jump around, but when we told him we were going to give it up, he was quiet and silent for the rest of the evening. Of course, we, well Severus, assured him that we were going to have another baby for him to be friend with.

Lucius and Narcissa weren't very happy to hear I was pregnant, because they had so many difficulties getting pregnant themselves. But Narcissa was grinning afterwards, upon hearing that I was getting the baby aborted. She hopes that I will never be able to have kids after the abortion, if it goes wrong. I bet you she is praying her heart out for it to happen.

There is…ten more days of teaching (excluding weekends) and exams are up. I have let all my classes study instead of learning. They need it, because I have taught all I can and all they need is revising. I can't wait for summer vacation, when I am going to spend every moment with Severus. I don't know what we are to do, since his house is quite… boring actually. But I am sure to find something to do!

Tenth of June

Dear Diary,

Today I met with Dumbledore to discuss my future in teaching. After a long talk with Severus, I decided to stay with my job, to make more money for the children we want in the future. Severus has finally decided that he wants children! All through out our discussion, he kept saying that so he could prove to me he isn't his father, but I think he is true to his word. He wants three little brats running around at the maximum, crying and yelling in his house, as he puts it. He also told me that he, at the most, wants a boy and not all girls, which is completely understandable because I want a mix too.

Anyways, back to Dumbledore. He told me that I was to teach Astronomy for the years to come with a suitable pay and he also told me I could raise our kids at Hogwarts, like Mother did. Severus is pleased with this offer, because he doesn't want me to stop working just so I can raise our children, because we need money. The pearl necklace he bought me took a lot from our initial budget so we have to work things out.

Thirteenth of June

Dear Diary,

Last week of school and exam time! The students are passing their exams while we teachers really have little to do for the days to pass. We are to stay an extra week to prepare for next year, make sure we have everything in order and to give us time to clean and pack. I have already started to pack myself, putting all the baby stuff in my luggage. I am keeping it just in case we need it in the future. Severus said that during our summer, we could make a baby room and leave it be for when we need it. I would love to do so, because it would prepare us.

Speaking of the baby, I am having difficulties fitting in my robes and my tummy is very swollen. I know it's very early, but I can't explain it! My stomach is adjusting to my new hormones and I am getting less sick in the morning. Mme. Pomfrey wants to talk to me, before I am to leave for summer, about what to do to keep the baby alive and well so no complications will happen when I am aborted. I am at…almost two months and I wish I could see what happens if you get pregnant for a full nine months. Alas! I can't…

Seventeenth of June

Dear Diary,

Last day of teaching finally OVER! The house cup was awarded to the Slytherins and proud Severus was smiling the whole time. It was actually the first time I was a little mad at him for a silly thing, because he favoured them and punished the Gryffindors for nothing… but we had a lovely night. He took me for a walk in the park, under the full moon and we snogged…very romantic…

The students are going back tomorrow to their homes by the Hogwarts Express. Myself, I can't wait to go back home for vacation! Spending some more alone time with Severus will be marvellous!

Nineteenth of June

Dear Diary,

My summer won't be as fun as I thought…Severus found himself a summer job at a local apothecary, to supplement our budget. His will brew commissioned potions and those that are missing from stock. He is going to be at home, but very busy. He told me this, this morning and it saddened me…I was looking forward to being with him…

The hallways seem so empty without the students who have now graduated and are moving on to a new year. All my Astronomy classes did very well and Gryffindor house was the one with the least failures. I loved this year and I can't wait for next term!

Twenty-Second of June

Dear Diary,

I went to see Mme. Pomfrey this morning about the baby. She gave me strict instructions to follow during my summer break.

No alcohol

Don't move a lot or very suddenly

Stay outside to have Vitamin D, but go inside if it gets too hot

Eat healthy and limit sugar intake

Exercise leg muscles

She made a big point out of the sudden movements. She even made Severus promise he would look after me, so I don't make a lot of sudden movements. It is important that the baby stays well, because it will ease the abortion and labour for me.

Twenty-Fifth of June

Dear Diary,

We finally left Hogwarts for the summer. We had to take the Muggle way back home, so we wouldn't seem bizarre to our neighbours. We took the Hogwarts Express to King's Cross and then we took another train that brought us to a little countryside station, near our home. I was feeling confused, being around all of these Muggle ways of being, so Severus had to show me, discreetly, how to manage. Severus knows how to be and act like a Muggle. It's bizarre…he has detested Muggles ever since his father left, and yet he himself is half-Muggle…Odd…But that's Severus!

Right now, he is sleeping in our private train compartment, resting his head on my lap as I write. He hasn't been sleeping well lately and since we got on the Hogwarts Express all he has been doing is sleeping. I think it's the stress of up and coming work he has to do for us to have money. He also has been regretting that choice, because he knows I was looking forward to spending time with him, alone. But, I reassured him that I didn't mind. I am hoping to make new friends with my new neighbours to stave off loneliness…

The things I do for Severus…

Twenty-Seventh of June

Dear Diary,

I won't be having great friends around the neighbourhood. All of the neighbours are plain…odd. The whole weekend I spent outside, I have never met such odd people in my life. This weekend, Severus went to see his boss and start working at the shop (because it was decided last minute to be at the shop instead of at home), so I was left alone. I remember when we came back, the neighbours stared at us like there was no tomorrow; apparently it was the first time they saw something happen in months.

Anyways, Saturday I was in the front yard, outside, reading a book and enjoying the sun like Mme. Pomfrey said, when a lady came up to me. Her name is Mrs. Eve Robinson; she has white-light-auburn-ish hair, a wrinkled up face and looks very peculiar. Her husband, Mr. Frank Robinson, is bald but always wearing some sort of cap and loves what Muggles call "golfing". She came up to me, with her husband following, looking suspicious.

"Do you live here?" she asked me in an annoying, high-pitched voice.

"Yes, I do live here, with my husband…Why?" I asked, raising my eyes from my book.

"OH! You are the new neighbours? Well, I am Mrs. Eve Robinson and this is my husband, Frank." I smiled at the man who was going back to his house as Mrs. Robinson sat beside me and said:

"So, when did you move into this house?"

"Not too long ago…well I did. Why do you ask?" I closed my book so I wouldn't miss a single word of this conversation.

"Well before, we had some…odd, if I can even say, neighbours. But they are finally gone and for good." I frowned; she was talking obviously about Severus' family.

"What kind of odd?" I asked her, interested to know what had happened with Severus's family. Then she started her story.

"Years ago, a newlywed couple moved into this house. They really seemed to love each other, perfect, perfect, and perfect. It was sunny days and holidays for them. But, it all turned grey when the woman of the house announced that she was pregnant. The man didn't want the child and it made him furious that she kept it from him. He lost his job and he was drinking a lot. The little boy grew up and by the age of five, he had seen the worst. His parents were fighting, his father was abusive to his wife and son and total hell was going on every night.

"Then, the father left when the boy was 12, never to be seen again and the mother and child were left alone. It wasn't really as different as before; I mean she spent most of her summers working and bringing the boy along. She would work in London all the time and come back in time to make her husband a supper and get abused. But then the odd things started happening. The son would always come back with something new and strange. He would do weird tricks, like magic. Not like card magic, but I swear something more. He could lift objects in mid air without touching them. His mother never seemed to really to take notice or when she did, she ignored it. He would also read and study a lot. He was very odd.

"Just before he was sent to boarding school he spent all his time with the nice little red-head girl that lived on a street near by. They were inseparable until one summer she was never to be found near his house and he was alone. He had other friends come over; once there was a girl with black hair who came but I vaguely remember her. But the thing it he'd come back every summer with some more odd objects. Then he graduated and he became even more bizarre. He would leave at night and come back in the middle of the day. His mother worried he was in those gangs that killed people but he told her, I even remember him swearing, that he didn't do anything. But there were still doubts. After that he disappeared, apparently teaching at the school he had attended. Then, just recently, the mother died of an unknown illness and he moved, I suppose."

I looked at her with big eyes. I knew most of the information, but some parts were new to me. I wanted to speak to Severus about it. Then she asked me more about me and I answered fair and square, leaving some wizardry details behind. The seemed very nice but she was too…gossipy. Then, I saw Severus walking down the street, coming back from work and I heard the woman say:

"There he is! The son has come back!"

"That's my husband, Mrs. Robinson…" She looked at me with bolding eyes and repeated the sentence. As soon as it sunk into her head, Severus walked onto the lawn, looking at the both of us with a frown. He was wearing his black work robes and black Muggle coat over them. His sleeves were up and he was holding a briefcase. He looked at the both of us as I said:

"I just meet our new neighbour, Mrs Robinson. She spent her afternoon telling me about your… past." He sighed and said:

"Thank you, Mrs. Robinson, for telling my wife all about my wonderful and exciting childhood. Now, if you will excuse me…" He went inside, looking a little down. I looked at Mrs. Robinson, who was looking back at the door he had entered with a glare of pure evil.

"I think I should be going now…It was nice to meet you." I said.

"You're welcome, Mrs. Snape." She left me alone as I took my book and went inside.

I found Severus in the living/entrance, reading the newspaper, sitting on a couch with a glass of wine in his hand. I sat beside him and nuzzled his neck, wanting to be in his arms. He released an arm to put around my waist as he read the editorial in the _Daily Prophet_. The sun was beaming on the light green walls of our house that were mostly covered in books. There was no place for a library, so all our books were on the walls. It does look pretty. Anyways, as we sat quietly together, I decided to break the lovely silence by asking him about stuff that I learned through my little conversation with Mrs. Robinson.

"Mrs. Robinson told me…that your parents separated because of your birth. Apparently your father didn't want children and your mother did and kept it from him. Is this true?" He put down the paper and his empty glass and looked deep into my eyes and said:

"Partially…My father wanted me to be raised with magic, my mother didn't. Father thought magic would make him rich and famous, but it wasn't all it seemed. Mother ran away from the pureblood life, because she wanted to be normal. Father got upset when Mother didn't want me to be a wizard and that she couldn't make him rich. He abused her every time he was drunk, drinking his failures away. He would hit me every time I was in the way or when I did something that was stupid in his mind. He never cared for us; it was him and power only. That was all. It wasn't a matter of who wanted a child or not, it was the way the child was going to be brought up."

I looked deep into his eyes and saw pain. I started to cry as I said:

"That's way you don't want children because you are afraid that our differences would separate us and that the child would make us lose sight of what we used to have…like your parents…" He nodded as he held me in his arms.

"But do you want children? Do you really want to have kids?" I asked him.

"I want to, but every time I feel ready and I am about to tell you, my parents come back into my mind. I lost you once and almost twice and I am not about to lose you again. I worked to hard to get you and I am not ready to sacrifice you again."

"But you're not like your father! Why do you keep thinking so?"

"You don't know him so you can't judge…" he said faintly.

"Well, how am I supposed to know whether or not you are like him when I have never met him?" How do you expect me to do that?" I asked, giving him an irritated look. He looked into my eyes and said:

"I could show you."


	29. Severus Snape's Childhood And Future

"What do you mean show me?"

He took a deep breath and said, "I borrowed Dumbledore's Pensieve for the summer ... maybe we could go into my memories and you could compare my father and me..."

I looked in his eyes for a moment, then said, "You really want me to do this, don't you? You want me to show you that you are the Severus Snape I tell you, you are capable of being a father. You want this very much, don't you?" He nodded as he took me in his arms and up to the spare bedroom, which was now an office. The Pensieve was set on the desk, and I could see there were already thoughts in it. He took out his wand and made the liquid move so he could find his memory. Then he pushed me, along with him, into the tub to see the horrors of when his father was still with him.

_A young woman was standing over a little boy, who was writing the alphabet on a piece of paper. She was tall with black hair, brown eyes with heavy eyebrows, the makeup was covering her pale face and she wore a yellow dress. She had bruises on her arm, which was on the table where her son was sitting. The boy, her son, was writing and trying to see what he was doing since his growing black hair was in his eyes. He had written a crooked Z and finally gave his paper to his mother._

_"Oh, Severus! You did wonderful! You didn't miss any letters this time! I am very proud of you dear! Go put this on the fridge." _

_The little smiling boy went to stick his paper on the beige fridge with a magnet. He felt so proud to have shown his mother that he was in fact quite clever. He knew his mother was proud of him, compared to his father. His father thought Severus Snape was a weak, quiet, un-intelligent little brat who only made things worse. He thought Severus couldn't do magic like his mother, but he was wrong. Severus, just the other day, had lifted his toys without even touching them. But he didn't show his father, since he was afraid his father would hit him again._

_"Severus, dear, you should eat your supper fast," his mother said as he settled for dinner. "Your father should be coming soon and I wish for you not to be in his way tonight. I got a phone call from him this morning and he had a bad day." _

_She served him cold macaroni and cheese that were left over from yesterday's dinner. Severus rarely ate with his father and mother together. His father would never be able to live a moment's peace in his presence. His father would get abusive at the end of dinner, and his mother tried to stop it by making Severus eat beforehand, so he wouldn't enrage his father._

_"Mummy...Why do you let him treat you like this?" he asked his mother as she was making a roast for her husband. _

_She turned around to stare at him blankly and said, "Severus darling, your father loves us, but he decides to show it differently than other people. It's his way of showing his affection for the both of us..."_

_"It hurts us, Mummy, this isn't affection. I am five years old and I know this excuse ... you used it many times. Why do you let him get away with this? Why don't you use your powers and make him go away?"_

_"My powers aren't what they seem, Severus. I use them wisely and the time will come when you will learn to use them too. Remember what I always say..."_

_"Use them wisely. I know, I know...but ...Does he love us?"_

_"I know deep inside, Tobias loves us, but things haven't been going well at work and financially," she said, turning the sauce._

_"But just because we don't have money, it doesn't mean he can treat us like this."_

_"I know, dearest. But this is your father we are talking about..." _

_Severus continued eating in silence until he asked another question.  
" Do you regret marrying him?" _

_She stopped making dinner for a second and said, looking at the wall,_ "No_. I don't regret having you as a son."_

_"I meant him as your husband." _

_"Sometimes...I feel I could and should have more than this, but I made this choice and I have to stick with it. There is never a going back, Sever us, remember that," she said, turning around with red eyes. "Now, go up and wash. I shall see you after my dinner...ok?" He put his plate on the counter and gave his mother a hug. _

_"I love you, Mummy..."_

_"I love you too, Severus..." She kissed his check and passed her hand in his hair. They stood together in silence until a sound coming from the driveway separated them._

_"Oh dear! That's your father and supper isn't ready yet...Let's go, Severus. Up stairs now, young man!" she said, pushing him towards the stairs. He passed through the hidden wall just in time as the front door opened to show a man looking very pissed. He had short, square black hair, a crooked nose, and dark bottomless pit black eyes and had a bottle of liquor in his hand. Severus stayed on the stairs to hear his parents conversing, leaving the hidden door opened a little._

_"Hello dear! Did you have a nice day at work?" he heard his mother say defiantly._

_"If hell is nice, then yes. Fucking boss won't give me bullshit of a raise just because I don't work hard enough. I work my shit of an ass off and more every weekend. I don't get his fucking problem..." _

_He heard his father pulling a chair and asking, "Where's dinner?"_

_"It's cooking, just about thirty minutes and it's done, dearest..."_

_"Thirty minutes? What have you been doing before I came back? Let me guess...you got a surprise visit from the neighbour and fucked him instead of making your husband's dinner?"_

_"It's not that and you know it, Tobias!" replied an angry Eileen. "I was busy helping Severus with writing his A, B, C..." _

_"So it's the boy's fault? Where is he...SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE, COME DOWN HERE, NOW!"_

_The man came through the door, his wife walking behind him, pleading that he let Severus alone. Severus tried to run up the stairs, b__ut it was_ _too late; his father had opened the door to the stairs and he was halfway through. His father took him by the collar and threw him on to the couch._

_"EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU MADE DINNER LATE, YOUNG MAN!" the man screamed._

_"I wanted to show Mummy that I could write my A, B, C's with no mistake. I wanted to show her that I am smart."_

_"SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE SMART, EH? WELL, THAT WASN'T A SMART MOVE AND FOR THAT YOU GET PUNISHED!" He lifted his hand._

_"Tobias, please don't do this, it wasn't his fault..." Eileen pleaded._

_"EILEEN, GET OUT OF THIS!" he said, hitting her in the face, making her stumble and fall onto the rattling chair. _

_He changed his attention to his son and hit him on the left cheek, making a red mark on it. But it didn't stop there. He hit his arms, legs, and it became harder and harder and blood came out. The child fell onto the floor, blood on his face, crying his little heart out. _

_The whole time, his mother was sitting in the chair, crying and screaming for Tobias to stop. But, when she saw Severus on the floor, she took back the backbone she once had and said, "TOBIAS, LEAVE MY SON ALONE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" _

_The man turned around and asked her to repeat herself; he couldn't believe what he had heard. _

_"What did you say, woman?" He pushed her onto the nearby chair and repeated himself. "YOU DIDN'T JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO? DID YOU...DID YOU? __ANSWER ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"_

_Eileen was speechless but when she saw her pleading, crying son's face, again she let go of all she had hidden inside. She took out her wand that was in her dress pocket and screamed, "YES I DID! For years now, have you mistreated Severus and me! What happened to the Tobias I knew? The one who told me every day he loved me and meant it? What happened to the Tobias who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me even if things weren't' as great as heaven? What happened to the Tobias who, when I told him I was pregnant, was as happy as ever to have a son? Well, he's gone and forever it seems! Ever since I told you I wasn't raising Severus in magical ways and you lost your job, every moment of our marriage life has crumbled! You can't just be a normal Muggle and think things out...you have to resort to hurting us! Your family, your pride and joy as it once was!"_

_The man stared at his wife with great fear in his eyes as her wand came closer and closer to his face._

_"Now I'm leaving you and taking Severus with me! I never want to see your sorry ass again!" _

_She started heading towards the secret door leading upstairs to get her things as her husband yelled_,_ "You're going to regret this, Eileen! You have nowhere to go! Your parents have disowned you and you have no job! How are you going to raise your son alone? Without me, you're nothing, mark my words!"_

_Eileen froze up while going up the stairs and looked at her son crying in his corner and her husband and again to her son._

_"Fine! But I'm only staying because I need somewhere to raise me son!" _

_Tobias grinned and said, "Good girl...maybe now you'll be a little bit more useful around this filth of a house...and you," he exclaimed pointing at his son, "you...just count yourself lucky your mother took your side...little mama's boy. If ever you do something out of line...you know the punishment. It goes for you too, Eileen; nothing goes wrong in my house hold. No wife of mine will disobey me and no son of me will be a failure even if he already is. Now off with you...I want my supper."_

_Tobias went trough the kitchen door and the mother and son heard a chair screech. Eileen went and helped her son up and made his bruises disappear with a simple spell of her wand._

_"Are you ok, darling?" she asked gently holding him in her arms. He nodded his head gently but before he could say anything his father made an impatient noise, obviously waiting food._

_"I promise you we'll make something work out. I promise..." And he watched his mother go to what he called his father._

We came out of that memory in a swift movement by Severus. I was crying and he had a stern and unhappy look on his face. He held me in his arms as I cried. I know I shouldn't but he had to go through everything imaginable to get to this point in his life. He was strong, comparing to me. I thought I was going to _die_ when the whole Halloween night happened, but he went through more and is here, resting beside me!

Anyways, he took me to our bedroom and laid me on the bed. We cuddled together and I said, "I don't know what to say...how awful that must have been for you...I mean I just wished your mother would have left. But I completely understand why you don't want have children. You're afraid of starting out nice and ending up abusive just because you want a different life than what I want. Severus...if you don't want to risk losing me, we won't have children, it's ok..."

"No...I have to fight being like my father. He didn't want children; he might have been happy but only because they were going to be wizards. I want to change that; I want children. The only thing is that I don't know how to act around them. I am the kind of person who neither shows emotion nor touches people. I mean it's hard enough for me to kiss you and hold your hand. It's harder to just be with you in public. Imagine me with a child..."

"But you and Draco..."

"Draco isn't my blood, I didn't make him. He isn't my child. It's different. I swear I'm scared to be like my father. I can't bear to lose you, the child... or both." He held me tight in his arms, as I passed my hands in his hair thinking about a solution to this mess.

"How about we have dinner, then we think about it?" We both got up and ate a light supper. Afterwards, we sat in the living room, thinking up ideas for our future life.

"How about," I proposed as he looked at me with pain, "we have children in a year or when you feel is right."

"But, I am ready...it's just I don't want anything to go wrong..."

"Are you ready to have this child?" I said, pointing at my swollen abdomen that had swollen just a little bit since we arrived.

He thought a while then said, "No, because we already made the decision to abort it..."

"But let's say we didn't; would you want this child?"

"No...it's too early for us..."

I looked into his eyes and said, "Let's wait a year before starting our family of little Snapes...ok?"

He smiled at me and said, "Yes...let's..." He bent down to my abdomen and said, "Hear me out, little baby inside Nathalie. We love you but can't have you. We promise to never forget you and we will love you equally like your future brothers and sisters." He kissed my swollen abdomen as I giggled. Severus has really changed and he is better than before. I am really proud of him.

Fourth of July

Dear Diary,

I am two months pregnant and bored as hell. Severus has started to work from home (in order to be with the baby), but I see him so rarely since he locks himself downstairs to brew silently. We haven't started on the baby's room and all I have been doing to amuse myself is gardening. I felt that the backyard was very boring so I am jazzing it up a bit. But gardening 24/7 isn't my idea of fun. So today, I went to visit Mother.

I apparated into my old living room, where I used to wait for my father to come back home from work during the summer, which was when he went back to Auror business. I searched the house, only to find Mother outside, having tea with my Aunt Hera. As soon as I came into sight, she got out of her chair to greet me.

"Oh, there you are! I have been waiting for you to come and visit for ages! But I do suppose Severus is more suitable to your idea of fun than me..."

"Hello, Mother," I said, while sitting down between the two women. My aunt was studying me, seeing there was something different about me. Then she saw...

"My, my, already pregnant, are we?" My aunt had noticed the baby growing inside of me. My swollen abdomen was bigger than usual for a woman who is two months pregnant. I really look like I am a month ahead.

"Yes, I am pregnant but I will be having an abortion starting of term so..."

I didn't even finish when she screamed, "WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?!"

"_Because_ they're not _ready_ and are too _young_..." Mother said after sipping some tea.

"So? We had Jaime-Lynn during our first year of marriage... Why can't you have your child?"

I replied with a simple answer.

"Severus isn't ready to be a father yet. He still has to deal with his parents' relationship and he still has to feel ready to raise a child. He feels like he'll be like his father so he needs to feel comfortable before we have children. We just said we would start a family in a year from now, so we are going to abort and then maybe start."

"Why don't you just start?"

"It's Severus' choice and I respect that," I simply replied to Aunt Hera's comment.

"So," she asked, trying to forget the whole Severus thing, "how far are you?"

"It's been two months now."

"Did you go for your monthly check up?" I looked at her with a clueless eye. Monthly check up? I had never heard of that before in my life!

Mother sighed at my look and said, "Madam Pomfrey didn't mention that at every month you have to go see either her or St. Mungo's for a check up on the baby?"

"No, she didn't mention that ..."

"Well," Mother said while gently getting up, "do you want me to come with you so you get your check up?"

"But, Severus will want to come I'm sure...but, he's busy..."

"Busy? I thought school finished?" Aunt Hera asked.

"Yes, but he got a summer job so we could have more money for when we have our family." Aunt Hera snorted and Mother smiled weakly.

Then, she asked, "Well, what are we doing?"

"Let's go then...I'll owl Severus to let him know..."

I wrote a quick letter to Severus as Aunt Hera said goodbye to Mother. Then, Mother and I set off to St. Mungo's. We Apparated, which was a very bad idea since my abdomen ached right after we arrived. We entered the first floor, in the hidden maternity ward.

We came to a counter and Mother said, "Hello, my daughter is here for a monthly check up on her baby..."

"Yes, we have a healer ready. We just need some paper work from you to put to record..." They handed me some information papers to fill out. It was basically questions about the baby, my previous healers and some basic information on my health.

"Follow me..." I was brought to a little room where a large screen was held beside a bed. We waited a couple of minutes until a healer came in. Not a healer...a _handsome_ healer. His name was Christopher Gruber. He was _very_ handsome and _very_ nice and made me very _un_comfortable.

"Hello, Mrs. Snape... shall we start?" I agreed with envy, not knowing what was coming up and also...because he was handsome. He spoke to me while putting some sort of cool gel on my abdomen.

"So...where is the husband?"

"Working," I simply replied while Mother looked at him with a queer eye. She was suspicious regarding his actions and I didn't blame her.

"I see...now how long into the pregnancy are you?"

"Two months..."

He flicked his wand on the giant screen as he said, "Good, good..." He put his wand on my abdomen and the screened showed the inside of my body. I made a shocked noise; Madam Pomfrey had done it only once, but I wasn't actually paying attention. I had never seen anything like this! He searched and searched until he found what he wanted. My baby.

The baby was there, heart beating, inside of me. I could see him, the littlest thing on earth inside of me. It was the most wonderful thing to see and once I saw it I didn't want to let go. It sunk into my head...this was _my child_! This was what Severus and I created out of our love. It became so emotional I started to cry and Mother laughed, probably remembering how it was when she was pregnant with me.

The healer told me the baby was in full health and that I should slow down on the amount of gardening I was doing. The getting up and down would affect the baby if I did it too much. Mother and I came out in tears as the healer prepared for another client. I was about to get out when I heard a voice behind me call my name. It was Severus!

"Severus? What are you doing here?" I asked when I saw him striding towards me.

"As soon as I got this," he said pointing at my letter, "I had to come. We need to have a little talk." We sat near by as Mother said goodbye and went back home.

"Listen," he said taking my hand, "I know I really don't seem like the type of man who cares for such things as family, but I really do. It upset me that you went for a check up without me. I know this baby will never see the light of day, but I still want to be part of it...I want to be there for the baby."

"But you're always busy with work and I know you don't like to be disturbed..." I began.

"Nathalie," he said with a grave air, "I want to be there for you in every way, I already told you that! You think I don't care about these little things, but I do! Do you think I am going to be teaching like normal or just standing behind while you're having the abortion? No, I will be right beside you for every step."

"I always imagined you would stay behind and wait for me to come out..."

"I don't want that! I want to be there for everything that will happen to us or especially...you. I love and I want you to know this." I was surprised that a little thing, like a monthly exam, had kicked his sense of propriety out of his ass.

I saw Healer Gruber passing by, so I stopped him and asked, "Mr. Gruber! My husband has just arrived and I was wondering if we could re-do our exam...he wishes to see the baby."

Severus was looking at the both of us back and forth while I was talking. He was obviously connecting the handsome dots. Before he could even say anything, the healer replied with a yes. He led us back into the exam room while Severus sneered at him from behind. He can be very protective. As we were walking, Severus approached me and said "This was the healer you had?"

"Yes...What's wrong?" I saw him arch his brow and then look back and forth at us.

"Nothing is wrong...except that you seem to act like a tomato when he's around you..."

I sighed and rolled my eyes at his comment (even if it was true that I was a tomato near Gruber) and said, "Severus...you're _impossible_!"

We entered the room and Healer Gruber re-did every step he took just like a few minutes ago. Severus sat beside me, looking at the healer with concerned and attentive eyes, in case he would do something inappropriate. Gruber put his wand on my abdomen, leaving an image on the screen searching for the baby once more. It was quite easier to find the target and the little baby appeared on the screen once again. I saw Severus' eyes light up as soon as the baby was on the screen and he could hear the beating of its heart. His hand that was holding mine had got tighter and his eyes were on the little foetus' heart that was beating with the sound we heard. Then the child moved a little and Severus started to smile at himself and I swear there were tears in his eyes. I think it clicked in his head that I was carrying his child.

"Is everything alright?" asked the healer, seeing Severus and my expressions. Severus' head turned to him, snapping out his "trance" and said he was ok.

The healer cleaned up and no word was spoken by either of us. Silently and without any words shared, we went back home, Apparating from St. Mungo's. I was very tired and Apparating hadn't done any good to the baby; I had to take a nap. Severus was going back to work...or so I thought. He silently followed me upstairs, without me noticing it. I turned around to shut the bedroom door and I bumped into him. He closed the door himself then pushed me on the bed. Then, he started kissing my stomach as he laid me down.

"Nathalie," he said between kisses, "we have a problem..."

"What? What's wrong?" I asked, thinking this was serious.

"I love you so much...and I love this baby too. Today was one experience I could never forget... I would never forgive myself if we would have an abortion. I want to have this child..."

I got a shock right through my bones when he said that. _He wanted to keep the baby_.

I starred at him long and hard and said. "Are you serious? Are you certain? Because, Severus, this is a big step...are you sure this is what you want?"

He smiled at me and said, "Well, after seeing the baby today...I really don't want to give it away. I am not ready to have children but I want this baby to be born. It would be so cruel to let it die..."

"You don't want children and yet you want this one to live? I mean if you're not ready to have children, what will make me think you're ready to raise this one?"  
He thought long and hard and then said, "I really don't know... I don't want this child to die...I don't feel ready to raise it though..."

I kissed him deeply and replied, "Well, think about it and then when you're ready and have a final decision you can tell me. But you must think of it before September because that is when foetus is supposed to get aborted... I love you, you know that?"

He smiled at me and then we had a little nap. I kept thinking of how much he had changed since we had married. He almost seemed...human; not like he wasn't before. He's just nicer and I might even say better. I would still love him, even if he didn't change, but I guess he changed for a reason. Me.


	30. Summer's Quarrels

Second of August

Dear Diary,

Oh my god! Summer is already almost over! I have spent such a lovely time with Severus that writing in my diary must have slipped my mind! We finally, for the first time since he declared he wanted to keep the baby, have been non-busy for a day. So, I decided to take the opportunity to write about my passed days. The whole month I spent without writing in my diary was a whole hell of fun!

First, Severus took a load of less work with the excuse of a "hormonal woman in the household situation" so he could spend time with the baby and me. It pissed me off a little that his excuse made me look like a demanding wife in his boss's eyes (which I am not). I went maternity clothes shopping with an excited Mother and a "want-to-get-out-of-here" husband. Mother is very delighted that Severus is re-thinking the child's future and is pressing her idea into his head. We took Draco to the Muggle fair that came to town and got yelled at by his parents for "exposing him to Muggles". It was, of course, my idea and Malfoy was outraged that Severus went along with it. He thinks I brainwashed him to be a Gryffindor.

I owled Dumbledore for a few house elves to come over and help us with the baby's room. It's done; painted striped pastel yellow and green, a Gryffindor colour and a Slytherin colour. Severus and I found some interesting decorations from Severus's childhood in the attic and put them in the room. He had a mobile of magical creatures and objects that we put over the crib. We also had some decorations for the walls; wooden broomsticks. There is also a changing table, dresser and rocking chair, all for the baby. We're both very proud of the room we made and we hope our children will like it too.

My stomach has grown a fair amount since I last wrote. I entered my second trimester now and we just went for a monthly check up. The baby grew and is as healthy as ever. He also looks a little more like a baby and less like an_ un-grown mermaid_, as Severus puts it. I am also starting to feel the baby move a little in my stomach. Not so much that Severus could feel him, but internally, inside me. Severus told me that once I feel him move for real, that he wanted to be the first one to feel it. I promised him that I would tell him as soon as the baby would do gymnastics inside of me…

Tenth of August

Dear Diary,

I received unpleasant visits and news today. Remus and Emma have broken up and Emma was fed up because she wasn't married so she went and adopted a child from Africa. Emma adopted the little girl of six because she thought she would never marry or never have children. It all started this morning when I got a letter from Emma during breakfast.

"_Dearest Friend"_, it read.

_I would really love to show you the newest person in my life. I am sorry to tell you this in such sort notice but I have been very busy since its arrival. I am available in the afternoon. I shall see you then!_

_I can not wait!_

_Emma_

I replied happily with a yes as Severus moaned and groaned, complaining about me not spending enough time with him. I told we still had the morning together…or so I thought.

_Nathalie,_

_May we please have a morning chat? I have something to tell you; very important…It's about Emma._

_R.S.V.P._

_Remus_

Then Severus got very mad, because I was spending time with his worst enemy. He locked himself downstairs, leaving me to sign Remus' arrival. He told me mostly, his side of the story. Emma got freaked out when he tried to tell her the truth about his "health" and she got very bizarre. She thinks she will never marry and have children. So, she decided to leave Remus, because she didn't accept his werewolf problem. Then, she adopted a little African girl so she wouldn't finish the rest of her life alone. I, personally agree with Remus, she has gone mad. I told Remus what I thought and he is happy that I see what he means. Then, he spotted my swollen stomach and we got talking about the upcoming baby. He said he was surprised Severus was actually thinking of having the baby. He said I changed him in some way or form and that he thought Severus was better. I agree!

Then, as Remus was going, a knock on the door came; it was Emma and her little girl. There was a moment of awkward silence, where they both just looked at each other. The only sound was Angelina (Emma's child) trying to get her mother's attention. Then, Remus left and Emma came in the house. We sat outside in the sun, where Angelina ran as Emma and I spoke. She was telling me such degrading stuff about Remus that I had to stop her.

"Emma Johnson, how can you be so mean towards him? It wasn't his fault and I am sure he tried everything for it to go away just for you…"

"No, because if he cared about me, he would have told me first and foremost before going off and lying to me."

"It was because he didn't want to lose you that he kept it from you! It's like Severus, he did the same thing! Why can't you forgive him, like I did with my husband?"

"It's too late. I already have a daughter and Angelina is not growing up with a werewolf, thank you very much!"

"It isn't too late! You're only twenty-one years old; you have a whole world of time!"

"Time is growing short, Nathalie, I don't have a whole world of time!"

"What do you mean?"

"I am the last one not married. Eleanor and Lily were married and Lily had a son. Mary is engaged to be married to that motorcycle boy, Klaira just got married and you're married and expecting a child soon. I am the last one left…"

"You just take more time than us! Let time flow, you'll see…" She got up and said in haste:

"I thought you, out of all people, would understand what I mean!"

"Well I guess not!" I got up and pointed her the way out as she got her child and went.

I was left to be alone in my backyard, crying and thinking about Emma's behaviour. I couldn't believe that she had acted so. She has changed a lot and it frightens me, she never use to get mad so easily. It's probably the shock of Remus' betrayal that gave her a kick in the head. I really don't care about her anymore; do I even want to know what happiness that precious girl of hers has? No.

Severus heard her leave and came up to see what had happened. He caught me crying on the swing and came to my rescue. He stayed with me all afternoon, holding me in his arms outside on the swing as we talked and comforted each other. He talked to the baby, trying to make me laugh and he did succeed. I love him, he knows me very well and I appreciate every little thing he does for me. But Emma keeps coming back into my mind…How could she think like that?

Fifteenth of August

Dear Diary,

I feel like writing what Severus told me this morning. I woke up after a long night of no sleeping (it was his entire _fault_) and I went to change. He watched me dress and he told me he loved to see me dress up and down.

"My, my, aren't we needy…" I replied hastily because of my bad mood as I tired to button the back of my dress. Since pregnancy hates me, I couldn't button them and I was getting edgier by the second. I sat on the bed and asked Severus to do it.

"Now, are you sure you want them up?" I rolled my eyes and muttered I would do it myself. He kissed my neck as he buttoned them. Afterwards, he got dressed and we went out to eat breakfast outside. While eating I felt a sudden pain in my back; reason number two thousand why I hate pregnancy. He offered to gently massage it to make it better. I agreed and God did it feel good! I started moaning because it felt nice as he said:

"Well, who's the needy one now?" He really is mean sometimes. And yet, I love him, more than ever!

Eighteenth of August

Dear Diary,

School is almost going to start and I can't wait to go back. I just came back from a monthly check up and the baby is doing just fine; except my temper will be challenged this weekend. The worst of things happened and I am not ready to go through with it…

This morning, I was peacefully eating my breakfast, hand on my stomach (it's grown a fair amount) and reading an Astronomy book. Severus came prancing down the stairs with one of his rare smiles on. He kissed me good-morning so I asked his reason of joy. He got a letter out of his pocket and read it for me.

_Dear Mr. & Mrs. Severus Snape_

_We are please to inform you that you have been invited to the celebration of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy's seventh year of marriage…_

I made him stop there, so I could get it clear in my head. We were invited to a party celebrating the Malfoys' time together? First of all, who cares! Second, why am I invited? I thought they hated me. Severus didn't have an answer to it, but it was the reason he was happy; Lucius finally paid attention to me. I told him that even if he paid attention to me, I wouldn't be going.

"Why won't you go? Not even for me? I'll buy you a new dress for the occasion…"

"We can't afford a new dress and I wouldn't go see them even if my life depended on it." He frowned and said:

"You make me do or come to stuff I don't want to and yet you won't do one little simple thing for me?"

"It's because you're unsociable."

"I am being social now, so come with me…Please?" he said, taking my hand and making me fall for it.

"Fine. But ONLY for _you_." He smiled, kissed me on the cheek and left to write a response back. At least I made him happy. Now, I have to mail Mother and ask her if she has any of her old pregnant gowns she wore when she was pregnant with me.


	31. Little Friendly Get Together

Twentieth of August

Dear Diary,

I found a dress to wear to the Malfoy's anniversary. It's a light peach colour, imperial style so it camouflages my pregnant belly. I was surprised Mother still had those dresses. She used to be a very social woman and go to such parties, but since I was born, she didn't because I took too much of her time. I thought she might have thrown them away, but she kept them for me, when I was to have children of my own. She is so sweet!

Twenty-Fifth of August

Dear Diary,

I have wasted one _horrible_, _dreadful_ and _boring_ night at the Malfoy's. The usual with them, of course, I am use to it by now. We arrived a little late, since I had trouble fitting in my dress (I hate having a large stomach). We were led to the ballroom by the house elf and I have never seen so many Death Eaters in my life. All the people at the party were either associated with them or were accused of being one. I sighed and Severus knew what had just crossed my mind and murmured in my ear that it would be ok. It was my temper and hormones I was worried about, not that they would kill me.

As soon as we were announced, people turned around to see me, since nobody really knew that Severus and I had gotten married. I got plenty of dark stares and nasty glances from the women and some dumbstruck, foolish ones from the men. We stood there, waiting for any signs. Then, surprisingly one of Severus's friends, Avery, accompanied by his wife, came up to say a hello. Severus put me right in front and it seemed to be all about the baby or me. Mr. Avery was simply enchanted by me, thought I was a really pretty girl and that Severus had gotten very lucky. His wife, on the contrary, was giving me dark stares and when her husband called me pretty she looked like she wanted to kill me.

The people I met tonight, to me, were very good actors. Playing a part they weren't with such simplicity was really amazing. All Death Eaters act like they are normal people in our society. They all seem to agree with the _'good guys' _laws and didn't seem to hate me for my choice of sides. Every person I met, Severus introduced the baby and me like we were the main attraction. He was being very sweet and making sure that everybody knew I was his and the child was too. I was about to tell him something but then the _Shitters_ were announced. Malfoy came down, holding his _beloved_ Narcissa's hand as they came down the stairs, with stares of _love_. Narcissa's attire was received very…open minded from all the men around. Malfoy had his hair tied up like a girl and was staring where he wasn't supposed too. I turned around to tell Severus that but he was gone!

I walked around everywhere and couldn't find him. All I could see where a bunch of women, staring at me and Narcissa was sitting as their head lead. The men seemed to have all disappeared somewhere and Severus had followed. I sat near the women, not to close, but close enough so I could hear their conversation. It was mostly about shopping and women's stuff. I stayed like so for a long time until the men came back. I saw Severus coming towards me.

"Where were you? I looked for you everywhere…" he asked me.

"So did I…What were the men gathering about?" I asked, suspicious of their acts.

"They had a…meeting. One concerning…the Dark Lord," he said, staring at the floor.

"Were you with them? Tell me you weren't…" I asked, fearing the worst. He told me he wasn't a Voldemort follower but…

"Yes. I was spying on Dumbledore's count. He asked me to spy on the followers to know what is happening." I rolled my eyes and sighed. Another thing he didn't tell me…

We argued about that topic for a few minutes, still standing in front of each other. He told me that he didn't want to tell me, in case I would blow his cover. I personally thought it was a poor excuse. I forgive him though, because it is hard to tell me something, especially when I am hormonal. I asked him if he was really friends with Malfoy. He said he was, but he didn't share the same opinion as Malfoy on some subjects, the wizarding world being one.

Since the men had returned, it was dinnertime. I was sat beside Mrs. Zabini and Mr. Goyle. Severus was in front of me, beside Mrs. Goyle and Mrs. Parkinson. We had a seven-course meal, filled with forks and knives for everybody. I was discussing ways to bring up children with the Goyles, Severus and Mrs. Zabini. You know, I thought Narcissa was a whore; Zabini has had three husbands and one child. They all died (except for the child), leaving her a big sum of money. It seems suspicious to me and I think she might have murdered them.

The Goyles believe in a "_Tobias Snape_" way of raising kids. No emotions should be shown; no intelligence and they beat their son if ever he does something that is not appropriate. By "inappropriate" they mean not what they want. The whole time, Severus kept defending the child, saying it wasn't the right way to raise a child. He didn't mention his father, but I am sure he meant it.

The Snapes (Severus and I of course) believe in a practical way of raising children. They are to learn the values of life and have boundaries. They will learn to take care of themselves for preparation for when they grow up. We seem to be the couple with the most reasonable way to raise children. It also seems that we are the only couple that doesn't have a child. They all have children that are in the same age group or a little older or younger. They probably planned to have it like that, so the purebloods can marry between them. I also suspect it was decided by Lord Voldemort to do so. But that is only my opinion…

Afterwards, it was time to dance. The Malfoys had brought a large orchestra to play melancholy tunes to waltz to. No doubt, Severus didn't want to dance and, for once, neither did I. My feet were acing from all the standing up and trying to keep my posture right, because of the baby. So, we were the lonely couple in the back, looking at everyone dancing along. Severus held me, for the most part; in his tender arms I could relax from all the pain I was experiencing from the baby. The very last dance, I was feeling better and Severus was taking me to the dance floor until the party was crashed by a bunch of Aurors.

"Mr. Rudolphus Lestrange, Mrs. Bellatrix Lestrange, Mr. Barty Crouch Jr. and Mr. Rabastan Lestrange, you are under arrest for torturing the Longbottoms, Alice and Frank." Every single body in the room turned to Narcissa's sister, her husband, friend and brother-in-law, who were all sitting together, talking quietly. I knew every one of them, but it stunned me the most that Barty Crouch Jr. was going to prison. His father had one of the most important positions in the Ministry and wanted to be Minister himself. His poor son, he would probably die of an attack of some sort, learning this.

The Aurors took out their wands and rushed towards them, because Rudolphus had started to run. His wife, however, was grinning and didn't even seem to care that she was going to spend the rest of her life in Azkaban! Narcissa was in tears and kept repeating to her sister:

"Why did you do it? Why?" Her answer was simple and ignorant.

"Because I want to find my Lord! I _will_ find him! The Dark Lord shall return, mark my words!"

The whole room became silent as one of the Aurors carried them outside. Narcissa was crying in Malfoy's arms, not believing her sister's actions. Lucius had a stony face, looking at the group being deported. Severus was looking at me with his bottomless pit eyes, no emotions shown as they were taken off. Though I swear I saw I sort of guiltiness in them, like he was feeling guilty that they were taken away and not him. But, my attention turned back to the Auror that was left to give a speech. It was my old mentor…Alastor Moody!

"Constant vigilance! I'll be watchin' ova you…see if you doin' more dark magic around here…Miss McGonagall?" he said when he saw me. Now everybody was looking at me as I rolled my eyes; I was hoping that he wouldn't notice me. Severus looked down at me with a puzzled look. The party continued as Moody approached me.

"Miss McGonagall what are ya doin' here? I thought you had stop goin' under cover after you left the Auror Academy…"

"It's Mrs. Snape now and I am not undercover, I am here attending the party with my husband, Severus Snape. Severus, this is my old mentor at the Auror Academy, Alastor Moody, Moody this is my husband, Severus."

"I see…" said Moody, examining him after they shook hands. " Well I'll see ya one day again, Miss…Mrs Snape."

He left the party, leaving Narcissa in her husband's arms, in tears, the crowed appalled and me feeling uncomfortable as ever. The whole party was turned towards us, gossiping and pointing at me. After five minutes of it, I pleaded with Severus to go back home. He promptly agreed and we left our hosts to get me back before my feet committed suicide. I went straight to bed and I can't sleep. I am so tired and yet, I can't sleep! I have to find a way, because this isn't good for the baby.

Twenty-Sixth of August

Dear Diary,

Today was a pretty cryptic day, apart from late afternoon. It all started this morning when Severus and I were in our living room reading. We were all packed and ready to go to Hogwarts, since we're leaving tomorrow. I was reading a baby book and he was reading some poison-making book. I noticed that babies about a year old don't know a lot of words and by six months should know a vocabulary of about thirty words or less. If they learn quickly then sixty, but that was about it. I was thinking about and I thought: Draco could speak like us, apart from grammar mistakes and he just turned two.

"Severus…how come Draco has such a big vocabulary at his age compared to other children?" he sighed and replied:

"I knew this would come…because his parents put a spell on him to make him look smart and speak normally so he wouldn't be called stupid. They didn't want their child to come off as a stupid buffoon, so they put a spell on him. Yet, Narcissa thought it would be cute to let some mistakes here and there to not make it apparent. The spell lifts when he can speak all those words without need of it."

"That's horrible!" I cried, putting my hand in front of my mouth.

"I think it's a very good idea for those who hate to be mocked, other than that I really wouldn't care if my child spoke its own language," he replied absent-mindedly, turning the page of his book.

"Would you do it?"

"No," he replied, simple and clear and it sounded like I was bothering him.

"Ok, then I will stop bothering you with my silly questions, since you seem to be so busy reading about poisons." He rolled his eyes as I continued reading.

"Well, if you weren't asking annoying questions it would be nice…" I got up and said:

"I'll just leave you alone…" I went upstairs to read instead. Later on, we had a quiet lunch and then he started asking me really sad questions.

"You know…I was thinking, what would I have done if you hadn't come back to me?" Instead of just answering, my hormones answered for me.

"Why are you asking yourself this? Aren't you happy we are together?" He nodded a yes as I continued on and on…

"Then, why do you wish to know about what would have happened? If you are so curious, you should have just not taken me…" He frowned deeply and said:

"Nathalie, that wasn't what I meant and you know it!"

"No, it wasn't!" I got furiously up and went upstairs and I heard him yell:

"Will you please stop thinking I'll leave you? Must be the fucking hormones going to your head!" I slammed the door and started crying; I thought he wanted to leave me the way he was talking! I heard him come up and knock on the door. I didn't say anything; he sighed.

"Nathalie, it was just a question…please don't over react. I'm sorry if I upset, I should know better by now…"

"Yes, you should! I might as well just leave if I am such a bother. This morning you seemed to have no interest in what I was saying and now you're asking yourself what you'd you do if we weren't together? Are you leaving me? Because it sure sounds like it! So I'll just leave myself and spare you the burden of doing it!" I screamed with tears coming out of my eyes. He was silent, and then I heard him say in a low voice:

"Nathalie, please don't leave me…I don't know what I would do without you. I'm sorry if I hurt you I never meant it…please come out? This is really a stupid thing to fight about…I never meant to leave you in the first place." I realized that it was actually stupid; I was just over reacting! I opened the door and crashed into his arms. I buried my head in his shoulder and mumbled an inaudible excuse for my behaviour that made him laugh. He lifted my chin up as I said:

"I hate my hormones…" He kissed me and replied:

"Well, they really are a bother…" I smiled weakly as he kissed me again.

Then, he took me downstairs, to our living era and placed me on the couch. We spent the whole time there, in each other's arms, trying to forget my emotional hormones and his short temper. I kissed him lightly, showing him that I loved him. He deepened the kiss and held me tight afraid I was going to let go…

* * *

She opened the backdoor, arranging her hair, not to look like she rushed to be at her daughter's house. She was already a little late for the dinner they were suppose to have and yet, her daughter didn't seem to have noticed. She entered the house by the kitchen door; nobody was there. She went to go to the door leading to the living room, when she heard a giggle that sounded like her daughter's funny laugh. She peeked in the open door and smiled widely at the site.

Her daughter was kissing her husband romantically on their couch. Her son-in-law stopped and made his wife laugh by muttering something in her ear. She smiled a mile as she kissed him again. She looked so happy and yet, it wasn't even a full year that they were together. They were married and were going to have a child soon; all in less than a year. Minerva remembered the times when she was the same with her husband….


	32. Maybe Memories: Minerva McGonagall

_She paced along in her living room, waiting for her husband to come back home. She had never been so excited for John to come back since…she couldn't even remember! She looked at herself in the mirror; a strand of hair was out of place from her bun. John always said she looked better with her hair down, but to her it wasn't proper. Suddenly, a pop came from behind her. He was home._

"_John!" she said excitedly as she ran up to throw herself into her husband's arms._

"_Minerva? What are you doing here? Weren't you supposed to come back later tonight from Hogwarts?" She frowned at him deeply and sad._

"_Are you not happy I am here with you?"_

"_Of course I am happy," he replied, taking the strand of her hair that was out of place and kissing it. "I am just surprised that you are here. You always love to stay there longer with your students." _

_She smiled softly; she did have a soft spot for her students. She never showed it to them, but she felt like they were her children. Every night, when she Apparated back home to her husband, she was late for one reason or another. She would tell him all about their misadventures and how much she enjoyed teaching every one of them._

"_I had to come early to tell you something very important…" John kissed his wife and said:_

"_Can it wait a shower and a change of clothes? I had an extremely stressful day and I need to make myself comfortable…Even if you provide it now, in your arms," he added, smiling down at her in his arms. She giggled and said he could go._

_While she was waiting she made supper, but her mind was elsewhere. How was she going to tell him? How would she start the conversation about it? She really didn't know; she was too nervous to think straight. She let the spoon fall out of her hand and crash on the floor. Closing her eyes and sighing, she picked it up as her husband came into the door._

"_Minerva, since when do you drop things? You only do so when something is bothering you…what's wrong?"_

"_Nothing…nothing…Now tell me about your day? What made you all stressed?"_

_He sat down, starting his story about his work. For ten years he had been working at the Ministry, being an Auror. She admired his passion for his dangerous work and how he worked so hard to have made it. She remembered when they had graduated from Hogwarts, he had set off to Auror School, coming back three years later, a fully graduated Auror. They had waited five years to get married because he wanted to start his career and have a good spot before engaging elsewhere. Now five years into their marriage and she was going to ask him the unthinkable…_

"_John…"_

"_Yes, darling?" she took a deep breath and said:_

"_Would you want to have children one day?" His eyes looked up from his plate with a smile as he said:_

"_I would adore to have children…it's been five years…Why? Do you want to start a family?" She smiled and said:_

"_Yes… someday…"_

"_We'll think about," he replied, going back to eating. She had just ruined the perfect moment to tell him the news. She tried a different approach._

"_John…I can't wait anymore," she said, letting her fork fall on her plate. "I want you to quit your job as an Auror." He looked up as he replied:_

"_Why? Why on earth do you want me to leave? Do you miss me that much?" She started crying a little when she said:_

"_I just thought you might want to take the Defence Against Dark Arts job at Hogwarts…"_

"_But I am happy where I am…Why do you want me to change?" he said, looking at her with bulging eyes._

"_To be there…" she started._

"_There for what? I already see you every night!" She cried as she replied to him._

"_Not there for me, there for our children. John…I am pregnant and I want you to be there to help me raise the child. I want you to take the job so you can be there for the baby. Dumbledore will accommodate you and everything…he said I could raise the baby at Hogwarts…I just want you to be there. For the baby, for us…and me."_

_During her little speech, he had started silently at her, his smile going wider and wider at the moment. When she finished, he took her into his arms and comforted her as best he could. He agreed to take the Hogwarts job happily and excused himself for his behaviour. He couldn't believe he was going to be a father. They were going to have a family…_

_

* * *

__Seven months later, Minerva was reading a book in her office. The nurse had told her not to work today, as her due day was in a week. Her stomach was swollen and she kept having sharp pains every minute or so. It was really bothering her. She heard a knock at the door; it was John._

"_Hello, darling…How's our little princess doing?" he asked, sitting down and rubbing her swollen abdomen with affection._

"_She's already getting on her mother's nerves. She keeps hitting me and it's giving me sharp pains like I have never felt before…"_

"_Let me feel her…" He placed his hand on her stomach as she felt the pain come back again. She made a noise as her husband said:_

"_I didn't feel anything…Are you sure it's her that is hurting you or something else?" Minerva sat up to get more comfortable and thought._

"_Let's go see Poppy; she might know what to do." _

_They started to walk slowly towards the infirmary. Every now and then she would stop to let the pain go, clutching her husband's arm. Students passed asking to help, as the couple made their way to the steps leading to the hospital wing. Minerva stopped for the hundredth time as the pain came again. Footsteps were heard beside them, as the headmaster of the school, Albus Dumbledore came to see what was occurring. John explained to him what Minerva was feeling as she let another wave of pain come._

"_Are you sure she isn't in labour?" Minerva opened her eyes widely; she was in labour! She held her husband's arm while pain came back again; it was coming faster and faster, the baby was on its way._

"_John, get me to the infirmary NOW!" The two men helped her up the stairs and into the infirmary._

"_POPPY! MINERVA IS IN LABOUR!" A very young med-witch came out of her office, looking terrified; she had never helped giving birth to anybody before. Ignoring that fact, she prepared a bed for her colleague who was going through another contraction._

_Four hours later, a new-born cry came out from the infirmary. To her parents, she was the most beautiful thing that could ever happen to them. Her blue eyes were looking everywhere to see what all the noise was about._

"_She is so beautiful…and she is all ours," John said, taking her into his arms. He walked to his wife, who was waiting to hold her daughter._

"_She has your blue eyes…" Minerva said, looking carefully at her daughter for the first time._

"_She has your black hair though; she looks just like you. Her hair seems curly …" her husband said, kissing the baby's head._

"_Like you. You have dark brown curly hair with blue eyes. I have black hair with emerald eyes. I suppose she has a mix of both."_

"_She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen." Minerva kissed her husband as she asked:_

"_What will we name her?" _

"_Ever since you told me it was a girl, I have been thinking up names. How about Nathalie Adelina McGonagall?"_

"_It's pretty…why did you choose it, dear?" Minerva asked, without lifting her eyes from the little girl._

"_Natalie is Latin meaning to be born and this baby is being born to us. Adding an H makes it French and that's where we had our honeymoon. Adelina is German with a meaning of being noble and she comes from a noble family. It's also very pretty…" Minerva laughed at his added comment. They looked at their Nathalie with smiles that could reach a mile as John said:_

"_We are finally a family…"_

_

* * *

__Three years later, a little girl with black curly hair and blue eyes was playing around her once-again pregnant mother. She was the spitting image of her mother, but with some traits inherited from her father, like her non-stop energy._

"_Nathalie, slow down…Carrying your little brother, I can't go as fast as you can."_

"_Sorry, Mummy…When is he supposed to appear?" Her mother smiled as she said:_

"_In about two months or three." The little girl took her mother's hand and said:_

"_I can't wait to show him all my toys, bring him to Hagrid's and all sorts of fun!"_

"_I am sure you will…ouch!" Minerva said as she felt her water break inside of her. The baby was early! _

"_What is it, Mummy?" Nathalie asked in a concerned tone to her mother._

"_Would you go get your father? Tell him your brother is coming earlier than planned…"_

"_He is? Yay…I'll go tell him now." She raced off to her father's office, leaving her mother. Minerva grinned until her husband came rushing towards her._

"_What happened?" he asked, taking her hand and helping her walk towards the infirmary._

"_My water broke and our son is coming…Where's Nathalie?" she asked as they climbed the stairs to the hospital wing._

"_I sent her to Dumbledore's for now…Here we are…POPPY!" he cried out. The same nurse came in as fast as she could to put her patient to rest. A few hours later, grave news came to the couple._

"_Minerva, John…I have extremely bad news." John looked up to her and said:_

"_What is wrong? Is our son going to be ok?"_

"_I am afraid not…see, he is dead. Minerva's body is rejecting him because he has no life left. The baby didn't work out because of Minerva's weak ovaries. It was a miracle you had Nathalie, who survived…"_

"_That's ok…"John said. "We can always have other children…"_

"_I am afraid not." Poppy said quietly as the couple's faces changed expression. "See, she can't have any more babies because her ovaries have failed. So, now all that is left is getting this baby out and living with just one child…" The nurse left Minerva in tears and John feeling weak._

"_I'm so sorry, John…It's my entire fault…I am a weak person…I will never be able to give you the big family you always wanted, with an heir…We can't be a family…" she said, crying in his arms._

"_No, it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. I don't mind being just a family of three and you are certainly not a failure. We are still a family, Minerva. We still have Nathalie, our little princess. Nothing is going to change. I love you, Minerva and nothing will take that away from me…"_

_She smiled at her husband, but her smile soon went away as the baby was coming out._

* * *

We were kissing and in the corner of my eye, I saw Mother who had come for dinner. I looked discreetly at the clock; she was late! I left Severus to go see her as he was wondering what the bloody hell I was doing. We had a pretty dinner and it was the greatest way to celebrate the end of summer. Mother and I had tea afterwards, as Severus finished his packing. We talked about the baby and Severus' decision. He hadn't yet decided and my abortion was due in two weeks. Mother really hopes that he will come to his senses and we can have our baby.

I know he loves us (baby and me) both very much, but he is too scared to ruin it. He wants to be a father, he can't wait, but his past haunts him. I wish he would see beyond his father's actions and see himself and what he is. Himself and nothing more is what he needs to see that he can be a great father without losing any of us.

First of September

Dear Diary,

Today, the new school year started and I couldn't be more excited about it. It felt so great to see all my students again and see new faces. My starting will be sadly short since Mme. Pomfrey scheduled my abortion for the ninth of September. Severus hasn't decided yet and time is really getting short. In week this baby will maybe be gone and I don't want him to regret his decision. Especially if he chooses to have an abortion and then he afterwards wants the baby, because with that decision there is no turning back…

Fourth of September

Dear Diary,

Going back to teaching has been a very big challenge. It's very hard to teach and have full attention on the students when you have a baby growing inside of you. The baby is sending me very nasty pains and I constantly want to eat. Not for me, the child wants to have the food. Just tonight, for dinner I had more than I usually do, it even surprised Severus and Mother.

Mme. Pomfrey has been making Severus give me potions for the baby, to help it slow down growing. Apparently, the baby is double the size of a normal child of his age. In other words, he is a month ahead. We don't know how or when this happened, but I have a suspicion that it happened when I had the attack. However, Mme. Pomfrey is trying to slow it down so my abortion will be easier. She said that if Severus had chosen to have the baby, she would have let it be.

Severus chose not to have the baby.

It made me so sad to see him come up to me, sit me down and tell me calmly he wasn't ready to have the baby. He chose not to have it, because he was too afraid that he would blow it, fear of being like his father. He promised me that once he was over that fear, we could have children. He also said that if he didn't get over the fear in less then two years, we could still have children. It was just too early for him.

I told him I would wait as long as it took until he would want children. I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want. I love him too much for that. I totally understand why he chose what he chose and I am thankful he didn't go with it, just for me.

Seventh of September

Dear Diary,

The baby has been causing me weird pains these days. This sort of bubbling feeling sort of comes and goes. At the same time, the baby is moving in my stomach, like he was steering in its sleep. I had to sit during a whole class because the pain wouldn't stop. I don't really now what it is, but it will stop in a few days. Only a few days until my child goes away…forever…


	33. The Final Word

Ninth of September

Dear Diary,

I didn't even want to get up this morning. I didn't want to go eat breakfast. I didn't even want to go see Mme. Pomfrey. I didn't want this baby to go. All night I could feel it, moving in my stomach with the bubbling pain coming back and forth. Severus was asleep the whole time, cradling me in his arms. With my head on his chest, I thought about what it would of have been like if we had the baby. All the special moments, the joy and tears, the laugher, and most importantly, the feeling and sense of being a family. I cried myself to sleep, only to be woken up a few hours later by Severus, telling me I was going to be late for my ten o'clock abortion.

I ate breakfast silently in our quarters, with him by my side. I couldn't stand it afterwards, so I cried in his arms. He told me it was going to be ok. He comforted me, saying we were still going to have a family, just not now. He told he loved me and he thought the bravest thing I ever did in my life was to accept this decision. He promised me he would always be there for me. I didn't want to leave his arms but ten o'clock came faster than ever…

We walked silently towards the hospital wing. It seemed so long to get to but it took us seconds. Mme. Pomfrey was waiting for us; a potion in her hands and a bed made for me. It took me a few minutes to finally get out of Severus' embrace and face my child's death. She made me go behind a curtain to change myself into an infirmary robe. While I was changing, something wonderful happened…

That pain I had been feeling came back, more intense than ever. I asked Mme. Pomfrey to tell me what it was.

"That my dear, is your baby kicking. It's very normal."

Then I started to cry. I cried so hard Severus wanted to know what the matter was. I came out and stuck his hand on my stomach. The baby kicked again and Severus felt it. He looked at me with the biggest eyes I have ever seen and asked:

"Is that our baby kicking?" I smiled while crying as I replied:

"Yes…it's saying hello." It hit us both, we had a baby that was alive and showing us that it loved us. Telling us not to let him go…That was when we decided…

It was too cruel to let a human being die, especially since it was our little baby. Our child was alive and moving. We loved him so much, who cared about age, money or what other nonsense we said. We loved him and we were going to have him. We were going to make it through no matter what. This baby deserved to live and we deserved to be happy. We deserve to have a family.

As soon as we got out of the hospital wing, we ran like little kids to our quarters. We kissed and kissed, so happy to have a child. I couldn't believe it; we were going through with it! As soon as lunch came, we went to spread the news. The look on Mother's face was so inspiring! The staff was very happy and said they would do whatever it took to help us through everything. They are really good friends!

I have never seen Severus in such a mood. I have never seen him so happy in my life! Well, maybe I did, but not for a long time. After dinner, he was telling me all about what he would do with his _son_. He is positive that it's a boy. He can _sense_ it. He hopes he will look like me, since he doesn't want his children to have his _ugly-curse_. He seems completely finished with his bad-father phase. He has already charmed another room in our quarters to be the baby's room. I am so proud of him and I really feel the next four months will be heaven. My due date is the twenty-fourth of January.

Twenty-Third of September

Dear Diary,

We visited the Malfoys today. Severus told them the grand baby news, which was that we are keeping the baby. It was mostly the same reaction as the last time, except Draco was very, very, very and I repeat _very_ happy about it. It seems this baby will be like the brother or sister he never had. He wants the baby to be born now, instead of in three months. He is very anxious compared to his parents…

* * *

Severus was reading a book Nathalie had given him about parenting. Reading all of the information about what was going to be up next, made him very nervous. Yes, he was completely happy to have children but all the needs and care they had and the need to be shown love was impossible to him. He was never the type to boast about hugging people or kissing them. Reminding himself about his father kept him on the right track. After all, hadn't Nathalie repeated over and over again, that Severus wasn't like his father? 

Speaking of Nathalie, he had never seen her so joyful in his life. She was so proud to tell people she was pregnant with _his_ child. She was so proud to tell everybody it was _his_ and that _he_ _wanted_ it as badly as she did. She was so proud to say _he_ wasn't like his father. Every time she told him how she felt, it made him smile and made him think that after all, he did deserve somebody like her. Even if it wasn't his first choice, she would always be there in his heart. He wondered if he had never met Lily and only met Nathalie what would have happened…

A hissing noise came from behind him, on his desk. He turned around cautiously looking to see where Nathalie was. She was in their bedroom, writing in her diary. Knowing he was safe, he took a little convex mirror and talked to Lucius Malfoy, whose was on it.

"Lucius…"

"What the hell has gone into your head? You want to have children? I knew she had brainwashed you, Severus! You are not yourself…" Severus rolled his eyes and started to lay the mirror down when…

"Severus, listen to me! Why do you want to have this child? You didn't before…"

"That was before I saw I wasn't him, Lucius. I am not my father."

* * *

First of October

Dear Diary,

Mme. Pomfrey has never been so annoying to me in my whole life! Every day she makes me have an exam of the baby and asks me a million questions, which make want to kill her! She is even getting onto Severus's nerves; that's how annoying she is! I have to take a potion every day, to help with my pregnancy and she specifically said Severus has to brew it. But, yet, she supervises him non-stop; it's driving him crazy! He says that if ever that woman comes near him again while he is making a potion, he will personally shove the potion down her throat to see if she likes it. He's emotional just like me…

Emotional by the fact, every time I try to do something and it doesn't work the first time (which seems to happen quite often now) I start to get all emotional and sometimes I cry. For example: yesterday, I was trying to open the potion jar, which contains something for my pregnant skin. I couldn't get it open, so I became mad and burst into tears! Severus had to come and open it, then comfort me, because I was shedding tears.

I am surprised he hasn't cracked yet. I have been very annoying, wanting emotional support and affection and he has been doing his job successfully. He isn't that type of man who will be there, take you in your arms and be patient. Since my hormones have been acting up, he has really tried to be there for me and take care of us (baby and me). I can't believe it and he is really surprising me. That why I love him…

Fourth of October

Dear Diary,

Today was Mother's birthday. She got the most wonderful gift she could ever have. Severus and I decided that she would be the first person to know what sex our baby was. We decided we would only know when it was to be born. So she got the first peek at it. Mme. Pomfrey did her usual exam and then pointed her wand at the baby. Mother looked as my stomach turned a certain shade to say if the baby was a girl or boy. We were all looking away as we heard her scream of joy. Mme. Pomfrey took her wand off and said I could go. You should have seen Mother's attitude.

"Nathalie," she said to me, "You are really going to be happy! I know you will be an excellent mother to your d…oops! Almost let it go there…" Then she went to Severus and…

"You…well…be happy and a good father. Don't be too mean." She left to go see Dumbledore, since they were scheduled to have lunch at Hogsmeade for her birthday.

"What was _that_ all about?" Severus said, taking my hand as we went back to our chambers. I smiled as I said:

"I know what our baby is…" He looked like he was going to kill me as he exclaimed:

"You peeked didn't you? You saw what it was?"

"No you dumbshit! Mother would only act that way towards you if it were a girl! The way she talked to you it was like you were going to regret it. She knows you want a boy and she wouldn't have been extremely excited if it were a boy. It runs in her side of the family that the first child is mostly all the time, a girl. Or all your children are girls."

"You're telling me I am going to have to live with _hormonal_, _emotional_ and _girly_ daughters for the rest of _my_ life, with no boy to continue _my_ family?" I laughed; he was being such a baby himself.

"You never know, darling. Mother had a boy after me. If he would have lived, he would have been one of the first male descendent of McKing, you know, my mother's side," I added at his clueless look. "AND your genes might produce a boy, so you have your little miniature Severus Snape like you want it. But, I am 99 sure that this is a girl."

"A miniature you I would suppose… Fine by me." I looked at him, dumbstruck as I sat beside him on the couch.

"Just a minute ago you didn't want a girl…" He put an arm around me as he responded.

"I don't mind having a miniature version of you, because you're not one of the girls I described. Hopefully this one will be like you. Let's just hope she doesn't become like them…I still see this baby being a boy, but I am fine with whatever I get."

Personally, I don't get his girl theory, but I would suppose he would like having a "Daddy's Little Princess" around him. I can just imagine her, running around him, wanting to be picked up by him. Him, showering her with gifts, or when she has her first boyfriend the cruel way Severus will act towards him or even teaching her how to make her first potion. I really see him with a daughter, more than with a son. It would be so cute to watch…

Fifteenth of October

Dear Diary,

Severus always has nightmares. At least once a week he has one and he always wakes me up with it. He moves, talk, cries and I always end up waking him. But now, I am never waking him up again! Not after what happened this morning!

I was peacefully sleeping in his arms when I felt him move. I looked up at his face to see that he was frowning and was steering his head from side to side in his sleep. He was having another nightmare. I tired to wake him up in the gentlest way possible. He didn't move nor feel me. He became more and more violent as I kept trying to wake him up then suddenly his arm came flashing out of nowhere, pushing me out of bed and making me fall onto the floor on my back. But not only did I hurt my back, I hit my head on the corner of my night table. Then, I had a concussion that I woke up from, a few hours later in the hospital wing. The first thing I remembered was that Severus was having a bad dream and then I open my eyes to see him right beside me, asking me for forgiveness.

He thought I had died or something since he only woke up a few minutes after I fell. Mme. Pomfrey is now keeping me in a close watch along with the baby. My back is killing me and she says that the baby might have suffered from my fall. Severus feels extremely guilty and has been very silent. He stayed beside me all daylong and didn't say anything except "I am so sorry". I really hope he is, because it _really_, _really_, _really_ hurts.

Twenty-Second of October

Dear Diary,

Other then the fact my back still hurts, I have been having a splendid time. Severus and I have been taking childbirth and childcare lessons from Mme. Pomfrey. Well, I am mostly. Severus doesn't feel…comfortable about practising with a doll on how to be a father. He detests having me have a fake labour to practice for the real day. Nor can he believe this baby is coming in about three months. He is starting to be nervous and it really shows. I just pray to God he doesn't regret this choice.


	34. A Little Troublesome Snowstorm

First of November

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was Halloween and the castle was full of celebrations. Since Halloween is a holiday for us wizards and witches, Severus wanted to take me out for dinner at Hogsmeade to celebrate us two. Well, really us three, since the baby came along. We had a very romantic, nice and exquisite dinner. Afterwards, we took a walk, hand in hand down the streets. I remember we sat on this bench as he told me:

"In three months we won't be able to do this anymore. The baby will take up so much of our time, I wonder if we will ever be able to have nice nights like this." I cuddled up to him as the autumn breeze came upon us.

"Don't worry, we'll find some time. I promise you. I am sure Mother won't mind taking care of it while we go out. In the beginning it will take some time of ours, but once it's ready to be left alone, I mean we can go out…have some fun…romantic nights…us two."

"You might not want to separate yourself from the baby, knowing you. Don't say things you can't promise, dear." I jerked my head and replied in haste.

"I will always want to spend time with you. Do you think the baby will make me not love you anymore? Do you think it will separate us?" He looked away and I knew what he was thinking.

"Severus, we already made the decision to keep this child. There is no turning back; it's too late. You decided with me, that we were going to have this baby, excepting whatever was coming our way. If you still think the baby will separate us, then you haven't conquered your fear. You told me you did and that you wanted this…why are you having second thoughts?" He looked at me with pain in his eyes.

"Everything is going so fast…it seemed it was only yesterday when you told me you were pregnant. I thought it would be slower so I could get use to the fact I was having my own child. My child to take care of, to be a father to, to be there for. I thought I was ready, but ever since we started those classes, I have been very sceptical. All the things we practise, I am not sure to put in real life. I mean, it's a doll it's easy but how do I know that I am capable to do it with a real child. The fact that it's mine doesn't help either. Draco was easy because he wasn't mine…but now…I don't know if I am ready for this anymore." I was speechless, and for once in my life, I couldn't say anything to make him feel better or even myself.

"You know, Severus, I really think you're being stupid." I walked out as he followed me trying to talk to me.

"Nathalie…listen…Nathalie please…I want this baby, it's just I don't know how to be better than my father."

"It's easy; love this child, take care of it, make it happy and most of all…love me." He grabbed my arm after running a marathon to catch me.

"Nathalie," he replied trying to catch his breath, "I know that; I love you and I will take care of the child and everything. It's just…I…I don't want to do something wrong. I don't want to lose you, because I love you. I don't want to lose this child, because I love it. Just let me some time and I'll get over it…please?" Then, my hormones blew it.

"I GAVE YOU ENOUGH FUCKING TIME! I GAVE YOU SIX MONTHS! SIX WHOLE FUCKING LONG MONTHS! THOSE SIX LONG MONTH WHERE THIS BABY GREW AND GREW WAITING TO KNOW ITS FATE. YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE IT SO GET USE TO IT AND FAST! I GAVE YOU SOME TIME AND YOU SHOULD HAVE USED IT WELL! I HATE THAT YOU KEEP THINKING THAT YOU WILL SCREW UP, BECAUSE EVERYTIME YOU SAY IT YOU DO! EVERYTIME YOU SAY 'I AM GOING TO SCREW IT UP', YOU SCREW UP MY BELIEF IN YOU! YOU SCREW UP WHAT CONFIDENCE IN YOU, TO KNOW YOURS IS SO LOW!"

I took a deep breath and realised I was screaming in the streets of Hogsmeade. Severus' face was blank and I heard him mumble a "Well, if that's what you want" as he walked away. I felt like shit and I still do. I shouldn't have yelled at him; I over reacted. I went back to the castle after him, but he was too far ahead. He went inside and I stayed outside. It was a beautiful night out filled with stars. I occupied myself by crying and counting the stars.

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up in the morning outside. Snow had covered the ground and my body. I was freezing cold and my whole body was numb; it was probably a cold night from the looks of it. I tried to get but my legs keep falling under me, because they were frozen cold. I had a few frostbites on my fingers that I saw as I pulled myself up with an enormous rock. Half an hour later, I finally made it threw the doors. It felt so warm and right, I was glad to be there.

I started crawling to the hospital wing but I kept falling by my doubled weight, caused by the baby. Then it hit; was the baby all right? It wasn't kicking like normal so I immediately thought something was wrong. Nobody was here so either class had started or it was very early. Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming towards me.

"…So you don't know where she is?"

"We didn't speak since our quarrel, how would I know?"

"You're her husband, Snape! You are supposed to know everything about her!"

"I don't, so are you happy? I am a failure as a husband and I going to be a failure as a father! She already told me so yesterday!"

It was Mother and Severus with their endless fights about the baby or me. My vision began to fade as I saw Mother and Severus stopping a few steps from me.

"So, where do reckon she would be?"

"I told you; I don't know! She could be anywhere!"

"I'm here…" I said as loud as I could as I felt my senses fail me.

"NATHALIE!" They both rushed to me and I felt them looking for a pulse and all that medical stuff.

"She needs to go the infirmary…NOW!" I couldn't believe my ears; that was Severus! Then, I felt him putting his warm arms around me and lifting me to get me to safety. The only thing I remember after passing out was I saying:

"I'm sorry Severus; I love you…"

"I love you too…"

Then, all went black. I found myself waking up in the Hospital wing, in bed and Severus asleep soundly on a chair beside me, holding my hand. I looked at the clock; it was ten o'clock in the night and Severus was long gone. I got up a little making sure my hand wasn't leaving Severus'. I saw Mme. Pomfrey running towards me, silently and taking my pulse.

"You're very lucky; the weather yesterday night was one we usually get a hard January night. You should have seen the snow fall we had…In October it's very rare!"

"Snow?" I repeated lost completely lost as my head felt extremely heavy.

"Yes, snow. You slept in it in a little strapless dress and you survived. You have many frost bites on your hand and your left side was frozen blue, since you slept on the other side. Good thing Severus missed all his classes to make you a warming potion…I was out of stock so he went as fast as he could to make some. You're a very lucky woman, dear, to have a husband like him."

I looked at myself where I saw pink paste, which was obviously what Severus made. I was crying a little, thinking of how stupid I was taking him for granted. Our whole fight came back and then I asked:

"And the baby? Is it ok?"

"It's too earlier to tell. We have to wait until you are fully recovered so we can see if he healed himself. His system works with yours and if you're weak he is too. If you're fine and he is weak, then something is wrong. So we have to wait until you are better to see if it's the same with him."

She then left me alone to sleep as she went to bed herself. I saw that students had left me things, even if I was in for a day. Some candy, present, cards and a big Gryffindor poster with writing saying "GET BETTER SOON". Beside my night table was a big vase of red rose with a message Severus wrote.

_I am sorry and I love you._

I started to cry even harder, smudging the pink paste that was covering my left side of my face. I slowly got up breaking Severus and me's hands to get the extra blanket on the end of my bed. I slowly approached him and sat on his lap. I covered us with the blanket and nuzzled my head on his shoulder. He smelled musty, with a hint of herbs and spices with a dash of after-shave. I felt his arms going around my waist and holding me in his grip. He was awake! I slowly moved me lips towards his ear and murmured:

"How long were you awake?"

"I never sleep when somebody I love is in pain…" he breathed, tightening his grip on me.

"Severus" I said after a few minutes of silence, "I take you for granted. You do everything to make me happy and I never see it because I am too selfish to see what you want instead of what I want. Yet, you live with it, grin and live through my selfish acts. I am so sorry I yelled at you; I never meant to. It's just…I wish you could see what I see in you every time I look at you. I wish you would see that you are not a bad man, whatever you might have done in your past, it's your past, and it's gone. You're a new man and I know you are better."

"If only you knew…all I've done…you wouldn't say that…" he said quietly, as he stroked my hair.

"Just because you broke my heart once, doesn't mean you're bad and that you will do it again. I love Severus and I always will…whatever might happen I still will and I promise you that."

"Nathalie…" He didn't finish his sentence since I kissed him deeply.

"What?" I said after leaving his lips. He looked at me, in my eyes and I felt shivers go down my spine. His bottomless pit eyes were staring in my blue ones, looking for something.

"I love you." I smiled as we kissed again.

Sixth of November

Dear Diary,

I finally got out of the hospital wing today. I have no more scars and my skin is back to its normal state. The baby is safe and sound and no harm was done to him. I came back to my quarters with all my presents, especially the red roses. I got some more today, since it has been a year that Severus and I have been going out together. He got me twelve other bouquets of roses: red, white, pink, light orange and light yellow; one for each month we passed together. He also got me a pendant of a blue sapphire that I am now wearing. Also, while I was in the hospital wing, he took the time to make the baby's room for the school year. He took every present that the teachers had purchased for my birthday and placed them in the nursery, along with Mother's old baby furniture that she still had from my childhood days.

He woke me up with breakfast-in-hospital-wing and since I was still stated as medically unable to teach, although I was aloud to spend the day at our quarters. Afterwards, I had the day off with him so we spent most of the morning in our quarters. He kept giving me more surprises as the day went and I loved it. I felt really appreciated and forgiven for had happened between us. In the afternoon, he took me out for lunch at Hogsmeade's finest restaurant and took me shopping for my pendant. While we were at the jeweller, I got him a pocket watch since he lost his a long time ago and never bought himself a new one. It's silver and it has a snake carved in the top. We came back for a little while; he snogged me senseless and now well…we are going to dinner.

I can't believe Severus has turned so romantic. Today he was the best man he has ever been. He took care of everything, up to the very last little detail. I decided to turn the tables tonight by giving him a surprise romantic bath together. It might not be as grand as his plans but at least I did my little part. This has been the best anniversary ever!

Fifteenth of November

Dear Diary,

Yesterday night was horrible and I really wish that Severus could think before he acts.


	35. Actions Speak Louder Then Words

It all started when Severus asked me if he could go out with Malfoy for a couple of drinks that night. I agreed, since he had been working so hard with his classes, the baby courses and me. My only condition: come back at eleven. I wanted him to be back at a time where I was still awake, so I knew he was home safe and sound. So he left, leaving me with the baby who was kicking me while I was correcting papers.

Time passed and it was finally eleven…eleven ten…twenty…by eleven thirty I felt something was wrong. He wasn't home and Severus was very punctual. I decided to go bed; he was probably visiting Draco or something of the sort. Near midnight, I heard I loud knock on the quarter's doors. I went running to the door, only to find Malfoy, holding an unconscious Severus, both drunk. I helped Lucius put Severus on our bed as he explained what happened.

"He got into a fight at the bar and got hit unconscious. I am sorry I didn't come earlier, I had to tell Narcissa what had happened and I made my elf check him to see if St. Mungos was the first stop before home to you."

I offered him a potion to help his hangover as we sat to wait if Severus would wake up soon. Silence hung over us until I said:

"What provoked Severus to get into a fight?"

"I knew you would ask that question," he said after finishing his potion. "I told him that it wasn't a reason to get into a fight with that man…he never listens…but, he said it was all for you."

"Me? Was I the cause of the fight?" I said quietly, not daring to look up in his grey eyes.

"Do you remember," he started slowly, "a man called Avery that was at our party a few months ago?" I nodded in confirmation. "Well, he was the one who caused Severus to attack. You see, you got pregnant right after getting married, which made Avery speculate that you got pregnant before your wedding, which would make you a whore…in some ears of course. Avery, you see, thinks that you forced Severus to marry you, just so you could get close to our round, to spy on us. They also think you are faking your pregnancy and all of this is Auror business.

"Of course, Severus got mad and couldn't take Avery's insults about you so he attacked him with a spell. It continued on and on until Severus got hit and flew into the wall and was knocked unconscious. All of that now brings us here at this table, waiting for him to wake up." I couldn't believe it; Severus had injured himself just for one stupid little comment about me?

"Why," I replied slowly. "Why didn't you stop him? Why didn't you tell him it wasn't worth it?" He rolled his eyes as he replied hoarsely to me.

"Because Severus is stubborn and you out of all people should know. When it comes to you or sometimes even your redhead friend, nothing will make him change his mind!"

"Why does he act like that? I mean, I don't want him to be selfish, but he could at least think of himself for a little while and let go."

"Don't you know your husband's past woman?" Lucius asked, looking at me as if I was the stupidest thing on earth. "Everything Severus Snape ever had that was dear to him slipped away from his hands to leave him in misery! Do you know how many times I had to stop him from killing himself after you left? How many times I had to the same when the Mudblood rejected him?"

"Her name was Lily and do not use that language in my house!" I said royally; he didn't listen and continued on.

"She was more challenging them you; he would have done it if I didn't come in the room. You were just a suicidal thought. Now, everything is finally perfect for him and when somebody comes close to taking it away from him, he will try to protect it so he won't be left alone with nothing…again. The last thing he wants is you leaving him for good, so he tries so hard to keep you. You should be happy that he does this, because not many men would do the same."

"I am happy he's a noble man! It's just…"

"Why does he think the baby will destroy your relationship," Lucius finished for me. It wasn't quite my question but it was a good one. "Easy: as much as he doesn't want it, his father lives in him and he knows there is a slim chance that bit will come out and ruin everything. He thinks his father's shadow will come out of him and make you and the baby's life a living hell, like his childhood."

"But he isn't like his father," I exclaimed at Malfoy.

"His father was a drunk and became violent to innocent people. Severus got drunk today and became violent towards a man he should have just ignored," he said simply. I started to cry and Lucius put his hand on mine as he said:

"Severus loves you, he really does and he wants the best for you and the baby. He wants the baby to change everything, but there a fifty-fifty chance it will turn wrong. He keeps thinking it will all turn wrong, since it always has before for him. Just, support him and be there for him and it will turn out fine in the end. If you love each other as much as you say you do…you'll get through." I really didn't believe these words were coming out of Lucius Malfoy's mouth. After a bit, I had stopped crying, so he removed his hand from mine. There was a very awkward silence, so I decided to break it.

"You know, I never thought you would ever say these things, _Mr_. _Malfoy._" He snorted and replied:

"_Mrs. Snape_, as Severus has always told me, you can see behind appearancesbut it seems you didn't see behind mine."

"I never thought you would be so nice towards women or even me, the un-lady-like woman that is married to your friend." He grinned and said:

"Then you don't know me at all. Nor do you know Narcissa during her time of the month…emotional overflow." We both laughed as I heard something coming from my bedroom. It was Severus!

We both came into the room, where he had woken up and was wondering where he was. We both explained what had happened and then Malfoy said he would leave. I led him to the door as Severus drank a sobering potion.

"Again, thank you for bringing him back…and thank you for staying and talking."

"It was my pleasure." He was so close to my face I could smell the potion he had taken earlier. I swear he would have kissed me if Severus hadn't called for me. He left and I went back to Severus, who had asked me what I had been doing with Malfoy.

"Just chit-chatting," I replied.


	36. Keep Holding On

Eighteenth of November

Dear Diary,

I had a talk with Severus about what had happened Friday night. I also told him about what I discussed with Malfoy and asked if it was true. He confessed that his intentions were to prove to Avery that I was not a whore or a spy. I told him for the hundredth time in our relationship, that the only people that should care are us, nobody else, just us; if someone else has something to say, well too bad for them, because it's our relationship and not theirs.

"It's not what other people think that makes me mad, it's that nobody that our relationship is not some stupid, idiotic joke we're trying to pull. Everybody thinks I can't love because I am a sarcastic, mean and ugly git who seems to care for nothing. It's not that I don't like the image that scares my students, it's just…I wish they would sometimes see that I am human and that I have human feelings."

That was what he said and I told him that all that was important was that I knew that he was human and that his child was human. He smiled at my comment and said that I always knew how to make him feel better. After a little silence I told him about what Malfoy had told me yesterday. About all of what Severus had to go through and the reason he didn't want to have the baby.

"I want this baby to change all my fears and my whole life. I want to stop thinking the world will end and start thinking that everything is better than it was years ago. It's the fact that I will have to become a father to a child, even though I had no good experiences what so ever that makes me think the world will end. I want this child to have everything I always wanted…a good home…good parents and most of all, a better life than mine when I was young. But, it's going to be so hard for me, because my father keeps creeping in on me in my dreams, telling me I will just become like him."

"Severus, you will be a good father…you know why?" I asked. He shrugged. "Because you want to be one so badly that if you keep thinking positively, it will happen. You might not have experience, but you are willing to do it because you want this baby to have a life you always wanted. You want to give all the love it needs even if you're not that kind of man. That means you will be a great father."

I think after my little speech he was convinced that he might not be such a bad father after all.

Twenty-Fourth of November

Dear Diary,

Mme. Pomfrey did her usual monthly check up today and gave us news about our baby. The usual "It's bigger than the usual for a baby of this age" came up but this time Mme. Pomfrey said that it could affect the birth date. She said that it could be born before its birth date, a week or two. She said it's like it was made a month before it really happened. It concerned Severus greatly; he fears a miscarriage might happen if I continue on the potions Mme. Pomfrey said I should have to help the baby's growth. We all decided to make me quit those potions and just give me the Muggle treatment.

We also talked about where I was going to give birth to the baby. Mme. Pomfrey said I could do it in our chambers or in the hospital wing. I decided wherever was close when I would feel my labour start. All the talk of being in labour is making me very nervous; I mean, I am passing a whole human being through me! Mme. Pomfrey said there were potions to help with the pain and Severus said he would brew them himself, but I still am nervous.

I more nervous about actually being a mother of a child. I have been trying to help Severus cope with being a father, I totally forgot about myself and how I felt about being a mother! I can't wait to have new experiences and to have my own little child to feed and take care of, but I am scared that I'll do all wrong. Drop him or her or something of the sorts. Mother told me she was the exact same way when I was going to come but with a little help from my father she made it through and I didn't turn out so bad. Severus told me that if I think he can do, than I can too. Some people say mothering instincts come naturally…I hope they will for me.

First of December

Dear Diary,

I suppose you could call today…unusual. I was in class, sitting while the students were writing some stuff down from the blackboard, when a terrible pain came from where the baby was. After a few moments, I was fine again, but about ten minutes after it came back. Something was definitely wrong. I sent out Jayne MacIntosh to go get Severus for me so he could help me with this. I had been feeling cramps this morning, but I thought it was something I ate, but then I knew it wasn't cramps.

The students weren't working anymore, because they were asking me if I was ok. They kept my mind off the pain for a while as we talked about babies, until Jayne came back with Severus. Severus gave them one of his famous venomous looks as they went back to work. He kneeled down and asked me why I had summoned him. As another wave of pain came I said holding my breath:

"IthinkImightbeinlabour,"

"What?" he said, looking at me as he held my hand and the pain went away.

"I think…I might…be in labour." He had heard it this time and his eyes shot open. He was panicking and it showed as he replied:

"You are? What do I do…what do you need?" I laughed in pain as I replied to his comment.

"I need Mme. Pomfrey and somebody to take care of my class and yours and…somebody to hold my hand and take me to the infirmary."

It was like being in Auror camp; Severus shot up and went out the door. He came back a little while after with Dumbledore to take charge of my class. Then, Severus and I set off for the hospital wing and I think we just made it. I made it by before I passed out in Severus's arms. I woke up a few minutes later with Mme. Pomfrey examining me and Severus pacing behind her nervously. Suddenly, the doors flew open to show Mother catching her breath like she had run a thousand miles just to get there.

"How is she?" I heard her say to Severus.

"I don't know, Pomfrey isn't talking and Nathalie's unconscious." I heard Mother coming up to the bed and Mme. Pomfrey giving us the verdict.

"She is not in labour." I heard the biggest relief sigh of my life coming from Severus's mouth and Mother exclaiming:

"Thank god! I didn't even throw her a shower for the baby!" Severus snorted and said:

"So what's her state then? Why is she in pain and unconscious?" Mme. Pomfrey moved and explained my situation and they were all not aware that I was awake.

"She is having magical contractions. In other words, her magic is separating in two, to give the baby its magical powers. For some people, it hurts more because their bodies take pain a different way. It's completely normal. The only thing is that when witches have these, it usually happens a few weeks before delivery. This means that Nathalie will have this baby earlier than planned and it might happen in no time. Once a witch has these, the baby is bound to come any day. I suggest you bring her here everyday for a check up to see how the baby is going. Professor, you are going to be a father sooner than you think."

As she finished her sentence, Severus made a weird noise that made me laugh and blow my cover. They all turned around to see me and Severus rushed to my side. I had to tell them I had been awake for a long time and Mother was upset I had heard her comment about the shower. But what was more important was that I was going to have a baby in less than two months!

Fifth of December

Dear Diary,

I have been in the hospital wing for five days now and I can't leave until Mme. Pomfrey says I can. That would be when the magical contractions stop, but they never seem to end. They are less intense but I still feel them and I can only get out once they fully stop. Severus comes and visits me every free time he gets and brings me a red rose every day, like he use to when we were still a new couple. It makes me feel special.

On the other hand, Dumbledore has hired me an assistant who will teach in my place if ever something happens with the baby. Her name is Gwendolyn and she comes from France. She speaks English fluently and is very adept with astronomy. She is really help full when it comes to taking care of all that I do. I think I will be doing less work now…

Tenth of December

Dear Diary,

I am FINALLY out of the goddamn infirmary! For ten _fucking_ long days I have been there under Mme. Pomfrey's strict eye, feeling pains that I never thought would hurt so much! I felt so happy to finally sleep in my own quarters beside Severus's body to hold me tight and love me. I could finally take back my usual place on his chest, where I sleep every night held in his arms. I felt very happy last night when I went to bed with him. I have never missed him this much…must be the hormones.

I started teaching again but sometimes I stop in the middle of sentences because the baby kicks and hurts me. I can't circulate anymore since Mme. Pomfrey strictly said I am not allowed to make any more "big" or sudden movements, her walking around and helping students is one. Severus told me to just listen to her, because it was for the baby's sake.

Thirteenth of December

Dear Diary,

We went to go visit the Malfoys today, since Severus _absolutely_ had to go see them. We (mostly Severus) have decided that Lucius Malfoy will be the godfather of our child. There would be no godmother, because I decided to have Dumbledore as her godfather too. If ever something is too happen to us, the baby shall go to Mother first, then Dumbledore, then Malfoy. I really don't want Malfoy near my child, but it's what I have to pay for being married to Severus.

Draco has been very happy to hear the baby will be coming soon. He actually drew us a little one of his famous pictures for us. There was him, Severus, our baby and I. Since nobody except Mother knows the sex of our baby, Draco just drew a stickman. We asked him what kind of name he would like for our baby. He said if it was a girl, it should be Julie and if it's a boy it should be Patrick. We took his name recommendations into consideration.

Yes, Severus and I are looking for baby names. I found Victoria or Elizabeth for a girl and Alan or John (John for my father) for a boy. Severus thought Yelena or Emilia could be nice and for a boy Edmund or Dimitri. We still haven't figured it out yet, since Severus and I don't agree with anything. I want common names, he wants different names. At this rate, we shall never and I repeat, never find a baby name.

Fifteenth of December

Dear Diary,

Today has been a very awful day, especially for Mother. Today was my shower and of course it was supposed to be a joyous occasion. Mother had planned it all to the very last detail and _everybody_ was to come. It started very nice as the guest arrived and we were all talking and having a splendid time. I had noticed that my grandparents on both sides weren't present. Time passed by and they still weren't there. Mother decided to start it without them, until an owl came and delivered us some grave news.

_Dear Mrs. McGonagall,_

_We unfortunately have to inform you that your parents and parents-in-law were found dead earlier this morning in the street corner in Diagon Alley. The Ministry holds the murderer and we would like for you to come and help us clear some fogged places in the crime._

_We are very sorry, please accept our condolences,_

_Barty Crouch_

_Ministry of Justice_

Mother cried as she went to the Ministry, followed by her sisters and my father's side of the family. They had all received the same letter and I was left alone in a pile of gifts. They told me to open them, without them there to see it and to send thank you cards later. I was crying silently while opening the gifts. It wasn't the same feeling to do it with them and I can assure you I felt somewhat responsible for my grandparents' murders. I also felt selfish for wanting my family to be with me instead of at the Ministry. I wish I was with them but Mme. Pomfrey won't let me leave Hogwarts…

I can't stop thinking about how happy my grandparents were about my baby. They were so proud that I had survived through everything and that I was finally having a happy life that I always deserved. I had a loyal, caring and loving husband who would do anything for me. I was going to have a child that would represent my happiness and joy with that man. But, as Severus said when I saw him for the first time since graduation, life isn't a fairy tale. Speaking of Severus, I haven't seen him all day…


	37. Severus Snape's Verdict

In his bathroom, Severus Snape was rolling up his left sleeve. He took his wand to his arm and murmured a spell. Suddenly, a tattoo appeared on his arm- the Dark Mark. How he despised that mark and how much he wished he had not taken the oath to receive it. He covered it while Nathalie was around, and this was the first time since they had gotten together that he let it show. She was having a blast at her baby shower, so he finally had some peace to think about his life. Major changes had over come it and he had never taken the time to think about them, privately.

If he had never gotten this stupid mark, he wouldn't have to do this. He wouldn't have to look back at his life, before having his child, to remember that there is no turning back. If he would have known that the Dark Lord was only lies, he would have never joined the Death Eaters. He was promised anything if he joined and to him anything was the main people in his life. Lily and Nathalie. He had confided in the Dark Lord, telling him about his past with them. The Dark Lord had promised Severus that if he could do the Dark Lord's bidding, he would get _one_ of them. He did every single thing the Dark Lord asked. He would kill, raped, spied and almost lost his life, for them.

Years later, the Dark Lord was finally happy with his work and granted him one of the girls. Severus took Lily even if she was married. The Dark Lord asked him one last favour, but it only resulted into the death of Nathalie's father. All he had to do was bring the Auror to his master but it became a blood bath. Severus would never forget the night it happened, he saw it. He remembered the shock face he had when John McGonagall noticed it was him.

"_Severus…how could you?" _

But Mr. McGonagall had died a few minutes later. Severus would never forget the moment when he performed the Cruciatus curse on him. He had killed him. John McGonagall had lived to his last breath for Nathalie and now Severus felt like he didn't deserve anything. But it was all for Lily even if she was already taken, he tried his best. Since the last favour didn't work he had one more chance to redeem himself; all he had to do was listen into a conversation with Dumbledore and some seeing hag and it was done. He had been loyal, trustworthy and most of all attentive; he did everything the Lord said.

The night where he spied, he got caught but his information was worthy in the Dark Lord's eyes. He was granted Lily, but only one thing wasn't right. What he had heard, or mostly heard, was to become the death of Lily. Even if the Lord said he would bring her back for him he knew it wouldn't happen. He knew Lily was going to die and pleaded the Dark lord. The Dark Lord promised he would do his best but couldn't guarantee anything. That was when Severus realised the Dark Lord was a filthy liar, that it was no use to try and save her. His love for her had saved him for a total destruction of himself and he was thankful. Now, all he had to do was to get her out of this, so he turned to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore had been a great help and had trusted him and his secrets. Even if Dumbledore didn't see the light in Severus at first, he ended up seeing it and saving him. Only he knew what Severus' real intentions were and he promise that he would never tell a soul until his death. He tried to help the Potters, while Severus became a spy for him. He took all the information the Dark Lord gave him and told them to Dumbledore. It became easier when the Dark Lord put him in Hogwarts, because he was closer to Dumbledore. Pretending to be a spy and being a real spy at the same time was dangerous, but he did it, because he could never forgive himself of what he did. He would never forgive himself and he had tried so hard to redeem himself but only Dumbledore really knew.

He loved Lily ever since the first time he saw her; she was the object of his affection. He would watch her from afar as her sister and her go play at the near by park. When he finally got the courage to talk to her it ended up being a mess, but it was forgivable. He spent the rest of his summers talking to her about the magical world until they both received their letters. They went to school together and even if she only considered him her best friend; she was the world to his eyes. Nathalie had joined their group and she was a very nice girl. He always had high respects for her and couldn't deny; she was very pretty. But Lily was the one he wanted and Lily was the one he was getting. But, time passed and they grew apart. She had made nice girl friends and he was more friends with the older and darker Slytherin. He would always regret not having listened to her and stop seeing them. But, the thing he regretted the most was the fact he had ruined their friendship that could have eventually turned into something else. If that one word didn't split out of mouth…would have everything been different?

Sometimes he would get lost in his thoughts just thinking about what would have happened. Would Nathalie be with Black? Lily with him? Would they be married? Have kids? So many unanswered questions that could never ever be answered because of his lack of choices in life. He fought for his love until he couldn't fit not more. Nathalie maybe wasn't Lily but she was good as and he would never forget Lily and Lily would always be in his heart. Always, even if he tried so hard, Lily had died and slipped away from his fingers. He felt as much anger, failure and sadness as he did when his mother got abused by his father, when Nathalie had left him, when he called the love of his life a Mudblood, when Nathalie's father died and when he realised that it was too little too late. It all changed when Nathalie came back and now, he would do every little thing it took to make it last. So many times since she came back, had he been foolish, had he acted stupid or did he believe that he didn't deserve this. He had lost count. Now she was his and a baby was on its way.

A father was the only thing he had never envisioned himself as being. He never wanted to have children after his own childhood terrors. His child was going to bare all of his shame and sins, and that was the last thing he wanted. He was going to change, just like his father did and make his child's life hell. He wasn't ready to ruin somebody's life…again. He knew deep inside he could do it, Nathalie even told him. He wanted this child and he wanted it to have a happy life.

"I guess I will just have to keep it a secret from Nathalie and the baby forever…" he said out loud.

He was done. He had decided that he would be a father and try his best at being a great one. He decided that under any circumstances, Nathalie or his children would never know about his past. It was his past and he had to move on. Even he bore this mark on his arm, he didn't care anymore. He would hide it and Nathalie would forever be clueless of it. He was at a happy place in his life and for once he was going to let go of everything that was bad and concentrate on the good.

That was Severus Snape's verdict.


	38. Maybe Memories: Severus Snape

His mother had forced him out of the shop. She was tired of him being around bored as ever and sighing every free second he had. She told him to go out and have an ice cream, but Severus didn't want to do so. He was eleven and a half and could do whatever he pleased. He was going to Hogwarts in a few weeks, and it was probably one of the best thing to ever happen to him. Following his mother's orders to get out of the Apothecary shop, he decided that maybe an ice cream wasn't so bad. 

He got out of Knockturn Alley, to the bright and joyful Diagon Alley. He hated all the joy and smiles, in fact he despised them. He preferred to be back in the shop where darkness lurked everywhere he went. But, he changed his mind when he thought of Lily. The one he had left home for another week until they started school together. He was only eleven but he loved Lily and she was his one and only...

Lost in his thought, he made his way to the ice cream parlour. He didn't see that he had sat at a table where another young girl was. He sat and kept on thinking about Lily. When the girl beside cleared her throat, he looked up and finally realised he was sitting at her table without her permission. He studied her; she was about his age, with black curly hair and bright blue eyes.

"Sorry I didn't see you. I am really sorry..."

"No, don't be, everybody makes mistakes," she said with a warm smile.

"She has a nice smile," he thought.

"I didn't..." he said out loud.

"It's OK! I assure you," she insisted.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" she replied almost screaming.

"Well, I should go..."

"No, stay! I really want to meet new people. I am Nathalie McGonagall," she introduced herself, putting her hand up forth so he could shake it.

"Severus Snape," he replied hastily.

"Snape, that's an unusual name, so is Severus. I always liked unusual names."

"Really?" he said lifting one eyebrow.

"Yes, it's original, better than my boring name," she continued on, while finishing up her ice cream. She seemed very nice and, like very few people, didn't care about his bad looks. He looked at her like she was the only thing left on earth. Once she saw him, she giggled and gave him one of her warm smiles. His stomach made a jump for it; he had never felt this way.

"Are you in first year at Hogwarts?" she asked him as he snapped out of his trance.

"Yes, what about you?" he said politely; maybe he would get more than one friend this year.

"Yes!" she exclaimed smiling again. He saw that she had a shopping bag beside her, with potion ingredients needed for first year. She caught him looking and said, "You like potions?"

"Yes, very much," he replied still looking inside the bag.

"I have tired a few simple potions, but they never turn up good. I can perform spells that transfiguration students in seventh year can do, but I can't manage a meagre potion." He grinned; he could do any potion, give him the instructions and the ingredients, and it will be done. It came from spending his life in his mother's shop, helping make potions, ever since he was five.

The girl was studying him, but before she said something, a voice called her. She got out of her chair and hastily took her bags.

"See you at school!" she screamed back at him with a smile. He gave her a smile back and headed for the Apothecary. He had had enough excitement for a day.

* * *

He had been at Hogwarts for three years, and he was already bored. He had just started a new term, new classes, and he was bored. He had filled his head with every knowledge he could, and he still wasn't satisfied. He was in Slytherin and they were known to want power, but he wanted more information to cramp in his brain. A true Slytherin, his teacher had said and his mother agreed; her son was very determined to get more out of life.

He walked in the corridor towards potions when he bumped into Nathalie. They had become friends since they had first met, and he adored their friendship. Lily had become best friends with her and it was a great thing. They both were the only ones that seemed to care about him, since they would save him from the attacks of Potter and his cronies. But Nathalie's saving was becoming less and less frequent, since she was in love with Potter's best mate, Sirius Black.

"Severus!" she said with her warm smiles. "Just the person I was looking for...I haven't seen you since term started! How are you?

"Good...how about you?"

"Terrific...you will never guessed what happened today! I had to tell you, it so amazing!" she said sitting down with him on the stone floor.

"Really? I have something important to tell you too..." he said putting his books down beside him.

"Well go on..." Since he had known her, he always wanted to look good beside her. She was really important, she was Lily's best friend and he wanted Lily. So, he tried to get her confidence so Lily would maybe love him back...However, he kept stuff from her because he was ashamed to tell Nathalie. But he had to tell her his real heritage, it would make Lily believe in him even more. Even if Nathalie hated when he lied to her, he had to tell her.

"You know my father?"

"The one you never knew...yes," she said, trying to figure out where this would lead.

"I knew him..." He continued on telling her what his childhood really was. She only knew that her mother had told his mother that his father was no good, that his mother had him and his father abandoned them. But now, he explained the whole thing to her, bit by bit. It only took him five minutes, but it seemed like the longest five minutes of his entire life. She was patient and listened and at the end was very compromising.

"Why didn't you just tell me this before? You know I would've understood you. Don't you trust me?"

"I was just ashamed about it..."

She smiled again and said, "Don't worry, it's okay...I get it, I'll keep it a secret. Now, I wanted to tell you..." But they were interrupted by a very angry Sirius Black.

"Nathalie, where were you? Why didn't you wait for me like you said you would?" he exclaimed as all eyes turned on him.

"Because, I had to tell Severus the news!" she said as Severus gave her an enquiring look.

"What news..."

"Why does HE need to know? He isn't part of OUR relationship!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Relationship?" Severus questioned as Nathalie turned to him and said, "Yes, Sirius just asked me to be his girlfriend. That's what I wanted to tell you."

He looked at the both of them with sickening eyes. He knew they both loved each other, but he really couldn't believe girl like Nathalie would fall for a guy like him. But, that was why he preferred Lily.

"So, Severus, what do you think?" she asked him, but he couldn't reply. The bell had rung.

* * *

BAM!

Severus was lying on his back, beside the Whomping Willow, trying to remember what had just happened. All he could remember was a werewolf almost attacking him. He looked up and saw a silver deer pulling him away from the tree. He pulled him behind a little bush where he saw...Nathalie!

"James, what happened? Severus? What is going on?" The deer bowed his head, to point at Severus and left. Severus automatically turned towards Nathalie.

"Severus? What happened? Did you get hurt?" She was hovering over him to see if he was okay. All he could see were her eyes, her blue eyes that he found so beautiful. Sure, she wasn't Lily, but she was close to it.

"Black...told me...to go here tonight...under three...Lupin is a werewolf!" he spat out.

"I know, but you have to keep it a secret, okay?" How could she be so calm and disposed this moment?

"Yes...but Black...Black will die...he almost killed me by sending me there!"

"Sending you?" she asked; her smile had disappeared.

"Yes, he told me to come here tonight..." Then she went hysterical.

"Severus Snape! How many times have I told you ignore them? Why do you trust Sirius, when you know he only wants you hurt?" Severus got up and looked into her eyes. He felt his stomach stir again, like every time he would look at her. That is when he realised, he might actually...love her. Not love like Lily love, but a nice sense of acceptance and by the looks she might...love him back?

"Because if you trust him, then I will too...I love you." He, suddenly, bent down and kissed her; she was caught off guard for sure. Her expression was worth it and he loved it. Her expression changed, and they were lost in passionate snogging.

"Severus...I think I love you!" she said with her warm smile.

"I love you too..." he replied and started kissing her again. Maybe after all, Lily would come easier than planned...

* * *

Taking a walk was a good remedy for Severus. The fresh air helped him thinking clearly, but sadly, he didn't go often. He walked around the Quidditch pitch, thinking about Lily. Nathalie was now his girlfriend and for two years, he had been with her. He showed love and affection, to make Lily jealous of her and make her run to his arms, and he would be waiting for that moment, until he dies. Ever since they're falling out, his main priority was Lily...not that Nathalie wasn't satisfying, no, she was extraordinary; she was one of the best girlfriends you could have. She really did care for Severus and not knowing it, helping him to get Lily.

He suddenly heard a scream and snapped out of his thoughts. He had just walked into James Potter and Lily Evans snogging away in the Quidditch pitch! Potter was on top of her; hands up her skirt looking very angry that Severus walked in. On the other hand, Lily was giggling away looking in fact...happy that he had walked into them.

"Snivellus, get out of here before I hex you into a toad!"

"James, just let him go! He doesn't deserve to be bullied just because he walked into us. Just let him be..." Lily said softly messing James' hair. He looked like he was in heaven and Severus was jealous.

"Whatever you say, darling..." And they went back to snogging, completely forgetting Severus was near.

Severus couldn't bear this sight, so he ran for it. All his dreams of Lily were completely crushed! She was with Potter; that git stole everything he had, spells, talents, popularity and most of all girls. He had taken Lily away from him, the only girl he ever loved and the only who seemed to care! He loved her and that he always will! He was crushed and loathed everything that had to do with her. No other women would ever love him...except maybe Nathalie.

She loved him, just like he wanted Lily to love him. She cared for him and he cared for her, just like Lily should have been. She was cheating on Black to be with him...because she loved him. That's when it hit. Who cared about Lily, Nathalie was the one that loved him! He should be with Nathalie instead of fantasising about Lily! He should give her the love and care she needed, instead of focusing on Lily. From this day forth, he promised to take care of her. She might not be Lily and might not have the same place in his heart, but she still was his. But only one thing was a problem...Could you be in love with two girls at the same time?

* * *

The most important night of his life was here and he would try and not ruin it. Graduation Dance. Not that he ever cared for dances, but this one was special. He had to tell Nathalie everything, because he wanted them to be clear and full of trust, before he would ask her the most daring question yet. He wanted to tell her his feelings and how he cruelly used her to get Lily. Ever since he had caught Potter and Lily snogging, he was more attentive to Nathalie and showed her that he loved her every minute that he got and she seemed to be happy. They had planned to meet each other outside, near eleven, during the dance.

He entered the Great Hall that was full of decorations. Couples were coming in and out for the dance floor and the teachers were patrolling for couples that were going the extra mile. He sat in a corner, waiting for eleven patiently. It was eight, so he had three hours to go. Then, his attention turned towards Lily who had just come in, with Potter holding her arm. She was wearing a beautiful green dress, with detailed patterns on the bust and a long train. Potter was grinning and looking happy as ever to have scored the best girl in school. Severus scowled in his chair, until Nathalie arrived.

She was wearing a purple gown that was simple and sleek. The dress was sitting on her shoulders with a three-inch band of fabric with a broach on the side. Her hair was let down with curls that came out near her face. She was smiling heaven's gate, looking quite happy with Black on her arm. She looked very pretty and now he felt more nervous about her reaction at his whole declaration. Three hours passed by and he was heading towards the exit but Nathalie's father, Professor John McGonagall, stopped him.

"My dear boy, having fun?" he asked. Severus sighed; it wasn't the time!

"Yes, very much...now excuse me..." He saw Nathalie smiling as she headed off by the other set of doors to wait for him outside. He looked over and saw Black with a bunch of girls. He finally got out, to see Nathalie waiting outside and studying the stars. He walked until he came up behind her and put his arm around her waist. She was caught by surprise and turned around and smiled realising it was him.

"Severus..." she said, her voice muffled by her mouth being covered by the hug they shared. He kissed her and made her sit on a rock near from their initial point. They were at their sneaky dating place, where both their initials were carved in the tree to celebrate their two-year anniversary.

"Nathalie you look...breathtaking!" he said holding her hand. She giggled, blushed, and replied to his statement.

"Thank you. Sirius thinks purple isn't my colour, but I like the dress. It was my mother's dress for her graduation...I am so glad you liked it though, I was thinking about your reaction to it ever since I got it!"

"Well, I personally think purple suits you and I really love it. Just like I love you..." he said as he bent down to kiss her again.

They had a splendid time together for about...thirty minutes. Those thirty minutes he promise to never forget, because he was about to tell her his secret and he wasn't sure of her reaction.

"Nathalie...I need to tell you something very important."

She made a serious face and said, "What is it, Severus? What happened?" Then he made on of the worse mistakes of his life, without even knowing it.

"Nathalie, it's what has been happening that you should ask. You know I love you, but it wasn't always like this. It only has been since beginning of this year. I was in love with...Lily. I had first seen her at the park when I was young and we developed a close friendship. She was always nice to me and really seemed to care about me. Since you guys were friends, I tried to impress her through you. I wanted her so badly, but I took the wrong actions to get her. As you know I treated her poorly and as a result I lost her...

"Then, came our first kiss, where I started having feelings for you. They weren't as big as my feelings for Lily, but they were big enough for me to ask you out. I thought dating you would get me close to Lily, but it didn't turn out right. Then, starting of term I walked into Potter and her snogging, and that's when I realised he had her and I would never have her. I had totally forgotten about you and I am really sorry...If only I had realised that you were everything I always wanted Lily to give back to me...I would have paid more attention to you like I have been doing ever since I walked into them.

"I am really, really sorry I used you that way, and I really do love you. Just not as strong as Lily. I hope you accept my apology and will you please marry me?" He got a tiny golden band from his pocket and showed it to her. She had tears coming out of her eyes and looked hurt. Then, she blew...

"You USED me to get Lily? You wanted Lily more than me, so you twisted my heart and made me believe you really loved me, but what you really want is my best friend? Now, you want me to marry you? Severus Snape, any woman who has been hurt as much as I am hurting now, would never go back to a man that did this to her. You don't even love me, so why would I marry you? It just be a lie, a whole lie and in the end I'll end up heartbroken because I thought you loved me and got over Lily. I can't believe you just did that to me! I thought I meant more to you than this! I thought you really did love me, comparing to Sirius!"

"I do love you..."

She got up and said, "Then you wouldn't have broken my heart. It's like you cheated on me! You were with me but wanting somebody else...I can't believe it!"

His temper flew up as he said, "You did the exact same! You were going out with Black and at the same time me! How do you think I felt when I saw him kissing you, my girlfriend, when you were with me? It's the same thing..."

"But, I wasn't breaking your heart...I was breaking Sirius'..." She left running in tears and he tried to follow her.

He ran into the Great Hall, where he found her crying in Lily's arms. Lily looked at him with anger in her eyes. He had lost more than one girl tonight; he was so stupid to have thought up that plan in the beginning! He suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder; it was Black!

"What did you do to her? Why is she crying? All I could get out of her was your name and broken heart! So tell me what did you do?"

"Nothing...absolutely nothing..."


	39. La Naissance Serene

Twentieth of December

Dear Diary,

The funeral for my grandparents was held yesterday, but I couldn't go because Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let me. She wants me to stay at Hogwarts until the baby is born. I can't even go shopping for Christmas gifts since she wants me to stay put. I made Mother go shopping for me, but I really hate this imprisonment that has been forced upon me. The only good thing is that the baby is due any day now, because my abdomen is about to burst! I have stopped taking the potions, so nothing will happen so close to birth. It is better this way, and it gives Severus less work to do.

The other day, he declared to me that he finally realised that he had always loved me more than Lily. He had spent the whole day of my shower, thinking and reminiscing about his whole situation in life and told me that he had never been so happy in his life. He said he regretted everything he did before when we were younger and said that it was me he had wanted all along, he just didn't see it. Everything he wanted Lily to be is what I am. So, he apologised for the hundredth time and told me he couldn't wait to have this baby and start his life with less guilt and shame. His revelation has made him very attentive to me, and he's there every time I need him. I guess thinking made his soul better.

Twenty-Third of December

Dear Diary,

I feel like a giant, bored balloon today. It's Christmas time, Mother's gone until the twenty-fifth, nobody is at the castle, Severus is busy making potions for Dumbledore (all the while paying attention to my needs) and I am stuck doing absolutely NOTHING! Draco is very disappointed that I will not be able to come on Boxing Day, and my whole family is sad that I can't come to the festivities, because I HAVE TO STAY AT HOGWARTS! It's driving me raving mad that I cannot go and have fun during Christmas because my child is due any second of any day!

All I hope is that Severus' promise to make this the best Christmas ever for me will be kept! My back is killing me; and I can't even walk without Severus because this baby is so heavy. He said he would take me out and make it special by defying all the rules Madam Pomfrey has imposed on me. I, myself, am not sure it will work or that I will be comfortable if it does. But, he said he would make it up to me the best he could. I wonder if Muggle women have as many problems as I do during pregnancies ….

Twenty-Fourth of December

Dear Diary,

Severus really held up to his promise, because I had the most splendid night ever and my aching back didn't really bother me at all! Except for now, but I'll come to that later. So, this morning, I stayed in bed with Severus because I felt very, very, very crampy. It was actually the first time I ever saw him in bed at such a late hour, since he is in fact a morning person. Severus brought me breakfast-in-bed, and we had a very romantic time despite my morning pain.

In the afternoon, I felt much better so we went off behind Madam Pomfrey's back and went to Hogsmeade for lunch. We walked here and there, and we came back sooner than planned since my cramps were acting up again. We decorated our Christmas tree, something we wanted to do since the holidays had started. Severus bought our baby an ornament and together we both placed it on the tree. He even bought a stocking for the baby, and I really am proud of his behaviour; it seems to get better and better as time goes by. Afterwards, we snuggled near the fire and I took a very well deserved nap only to be woken up what seemed like five minutes later to go out for dinner.

He took me to our favourite restaurant in Hogsmeade, and he made it very romantic. He had reserved a corner for only us two, so we would have privacy; he had pre-ordered the food and I got my favourite dish. He had wine, I had water and we both had an amusing time. We came back and he...um..._tricked_ me into making love to him, even if it was against Madam Pomfrey's annoying rules. We fell asleep right after and it was very early, compared to our normal schedule. I didn't sleep very well because my cramps were worse than ever. I did fall asleep eventually, but I woke up an hour later with a really bad cramp -- so bad I could hardly breath.

Well, I suppose it wasn't really a cramp…my water had broken and I was having a contraction. My reaction was very odd, as I stayed calm and collected, but thought, this baby is coming and I have to get to the infirmary fast! I decided to wake Severus up, because I wasn't going through this alone. I tried everything to get him to wake up, but nothing worked! I was in labour, having our baby, very moody and grouchy, and my husband couldn't even wake up when asked? He finally woke up, totally lost and still sleepy.

"Severus … are you awake now?" I asked nervously.

"Yes … what is it? What's wrong?" he said, getting up to my level. I couldn't reply since I had another contraction; it had been only twenty minutes since my last one! That meant the baby was very picky and wanted to get out (it reminded me of Severus), and I needed to get to the infirmary then or never!

"My water broke …" I said after my contraction. He turned white like the snow that was outside and muttered to himself as he got up to get dressed.

Five minutes later he came back and said, "I suppose you want to get to the hospital wing now?" I rolled my eyes; no shit, Sherlock! Seeing my reaction, he took my hand and helped me out of our quarters. It was a long walk, because I couldn't walk well nor could I walk for long since my contraction came and went.

"I want … argh … Mother …" I said half way there; my contractions were now ten minutes apart, and I wanted Mother to be there for the birth.

"Let's get you to the hospital wing first, then I'll owl her … I promise she will be there…" he said, helping me towards another set of bloody stairs. I was asking myself why we live so far away from the hospital wing when we bumped into Dumbledore!

"Severus … Nathalie … having a Christmas stroll?" he asked like nothing was wrong with me.

"Nathalie is having the baby. She needs to get to the hospital …" I went through another contraction as he said, "She wants her mother." Dumbledore took a lemon drop out of his pocket to eat as he replied with a very good idea.

"Severus, take Nathalie to the hospital wing; I'll owl Minerva. Don't worry …" he said to me. I growled, not believing him because I was in the most pain I had ever been in my life. Also, the idea of passing a whole human body out of mine didn't sound like something I wouldn't worry about.

We just made it to the hospital wing, my contractions are still at ten minutes apart and I feel a little better. Mother isn't here yet, and Madam Pomfrey is in no state to deliver this baby. She keeps crying because her husband cheated on her and she just learned the news, and now Dumbledore is in there trying to make her feel better. I'm still in pain and suffering with a clueless husband trying to help. Mother, please come!

* * *

Sleeping soundly, Minerva McGonagall didn't hear the owl coming into her bedroom carrying an important note. The owl waited for her to wake up, but she was sleeping hard. He came down on her and starting nibbling her with his beak. Cursing under her breath, she finally woke up and took the letter from the owl. It read like so:

_Dearest Minerva,_

_Guess who is in labour? Nathalie is having a baby and DEMANDS to have you here to witness it. Her contractions seem to be close together._

_Albus_

She cried out loud; she was going to be a grand mother! She packed a quick suitcase, but stopped. She could come back after the baby was born to get clothes! She changed and wrote a reply saying she would be there as fast as she could. She wouldn't miss the birth of her grandchild for anything in the world. Her baby was having a baby, and this wasn't something that happened everyday, especially when you only have one child!

After she was fully dressed, she Apparated to Hogsmeade … or so she thought. She found herself at Diagon Alley! She hadn't been concentrating, and this was what happened. She took deep breaths and tried to Apparate again. Nothing happened … odd, she tried again and again, nothing happened. Something was wrong, and she didn't have the time to do anything about. One last time she tried and it worked. She landed kilometres away from Hogsmeade and even farther from Hogwarts, where her daughter was in labour. She has going to have to walk it, because Apparating wasn't a good idea with her lack of concentration. This was going to be a long night ….

* * *

Twenty-Fifth of December

Dear Diary,

It was about 11: 30 when Madam Pomfrey decided to come out and play the giving birth game. My contractions were five minutes apart, and Mother still wasn't here. Dumbledore said he would look out for her arrival. I was in pain, stressed, moody, angry and sad. Madam Pomfrey checked me as another contraction came. She said I was dilated at nine cm and I was about to give birth. My contractions got smaller and smaller apart, and at 11:45 Madam Pomfrey said it was time to start pushing. I had just gone into transition where I shivering like crazy but I was blazing hot. But the point was: I was not at all ready; I had a freaked out husband, a sad/paranoid nurse, my mother was nowhere to be found and the godfather of my child was eating lemon drops!

Severus crouched beside me and said, "Nathalie … I love you and I can't wait to hold this baby in my hands. So please, I'll help or do anything, just push. Even if your mother isn't here and I am really panicking, I will be there for you. No matter what…So will you push?" I was crying a stream as I was about to say yes, when the door swung opened and Mother appeared out of breath like she had ran a marathon.

"MOTHER!" I screamed of joy as she walked, panting towards me.

"I couldn't … Apparate normally … had to run … all way … how are you?" she said, falling onto a chair. Mme Pomfrey answered for me as another contraction came.

"She was going to start pushing, but she refused to until you came. Now you are here, so can we start?" I nodded as another goddamn contraction came and went. She made Severus position himself behind me so he could hold me up. Mother held my hand -- it was time that baby came out.

"Now, when I tell you to push, you push. It will hurt but you still need to push." I nodded as she said push as my contraction came.

"Argh … Severus … ouh!" I screamed as I was pushing.

"What? What can I do?" he said, looking at Madam Pomfrey.

"Make her feel comfortable …" she replied from my legs.

Severus turned his head to me and said, "Nathalie … it's okay, I'm here … it's good pain don't worry …"

"Argh … it's your fault I'm in pain … ouh, argh!"

Severus turned towards Madam Pomfrey and said, "She obviously doesn't want me near…"

"You're hopeless, Severus Snape!" Mother said as Madam Pomfrey told me to push again.

He mumbled something and then said, "Nathalie, I'm here … I love you and this baby …?"

"Argh! Shut up!" I screamed in pain. Severus then stopped trying to talk to me and just held me in his arms, kissing my head whenever he felt like it and proclaiming his love for me for about eight minutes until …

"I can see the head!" Madam Pomfrey said. Severus was exclaiming in joy!

"Nathalie! We have a head! We have a baby!"

Then, Madam Pomfrey spoke, "Nathalie, next time you have a contraction, push very hard and then just let it go … okay?" I nodded as the contraction came over me fast and I did like I was told.

After that all I could remember was Severus saying something about our baby, Mother leaving my hand to see the baby and the person in question crying. Then it went all black.

I woke up a few hours later because some giggling had interrupted my profound sleep. I opened my eyes to see Severus sitting on a chair beside my bed, with our little bundle of joy in his arms. She was giggling at Severus when he would come close to meet her face, because she thought the nose was funny. The little hand came up to try and catch it, but Severus jerked his head away from the baby's reach. He was playing with our baby, just like a real father would do!

He bent down to kiss her forehead and said, "Let's hope your mother wakes up soon … you caused her more trouble than you ought to have already. You are already a little devil … Definitely Snape in that corner. But I still love you, and so will your mother when she's up," he said, getting up and bringing her towards a crib at the end of my bed. I slowly stood up to see him placing the baby carefully in her crib as she giggled again.

"The giggling must for me …" I said with a smile as Severus turned around to see me. He took the baby back into his arms and came towards me with one of his rare smiles on.

"Nathalie … you're finally awake …" he said, bending towards me for a kiss. Then, he placed the baby in my arms, and I saw our baby for the first time. She had dark, observant, black eyes (like Severus), when normally babies have bright blue eyes when born until they develop their own colour. She, obviously, had a set of black hair, and it wasn't curly. To top it all off, she was equipped with a pretty big button nose and was quite tall and heavy for her hours of life. She's about six pounds and forty-five centimetres.

"She's so beautiful," I said in tears to Severus as she looked at me with big eyes as she saw a different person.

"It's a she. She's a girl, just like you predicted. She's born exactly at midnight, so Madam Pomfrey said her official birthday was today, Christmas." I cried even more, when he told me it was girl.

Suddenly I asked, "What are we going to call her?"

Severus thought for a while and replied, "I don't know … we never settled on a name. How about we find name of significance to give her."

"How about Eileen?" I asked hoping to please Severus.

"No, I hate the idea of naming children after somebody in their family. Let's make it her middle name … Minerva-Eileen, after our mothers." he said, kissing my forehead in search of new ideas.

"Blank Minerva-Eileen Snape. We could have named her Nathalie since it means being born at Christmas or being born. But I already have that name …" I replied as he laughed. He sat beside me and took us in his arms. His lips rested on my head, as we thought more and more of ideas.

"Well, her birth wasn't exactly serenity, I mean it was chaos. So I wouldn't name her after her birth …" Severus said. Then, the name came up; Severus is such a brilliant man!

"That's it! We can call her Serenity! It is such a beautiful word and it fits her so well. I mean she is Serenity comparing to the whole birth … What do you think?" I asked but I didn't even need his answer because his smile told me everything.

"Serenity Minerva-Eileen Snape … such a pretty name," he said. When he pronounced her name, she looked up towards us, like if she knew we were calling her. She smiled, looking more adorable than ever as I bent down to kiss her tiny little cheek.

The perfect family picture was interrupted by Madam Pomfrey, who came to see how we were doing. She checked the baby's pulse when I noticed Serenity was dressed in a little pink suit. I smiled; Severus had taken the time to dress our little child, all by himself. I was really proud of him and I still am, because he never stops to amaze me.

Especially when Mme. Pomfrey said, "Well, I'm happy to say you are both in good health, considering the early birth. Now, she needs to be feed, so, Nathalie, I leave you to it …"

She left and Severus said, "Feed? Already?"

I smiled and said, "Well, she must need something in her stomach…" I replied, undoing the infirmary robe to feed her. Severus looked at me, puzzled.

"What are you doing?" he asked with a curious expression on his face. I laughed and replied to his foolish comment.

"Feeding the baby…see," I said as Serenity began to drink the milk from my breast. He turned his head away, embarrassed as I laughed.

"She got it on the first try! She must be very smart then … she is definitely your child." He smiled at my little comment as I fed her. After I was done, she fell asleep and Mother came in. We had a little chat about Serenity as Severus took a well-needed shower and change of clothing.

This afternoon was very busy. First, my whole entire family came to see the baby and showered me with gifts. They are absolutely fond of her and think she's adorable. During the visit, she was passed round and round to my family receiving lovely complements. Afterwards, I took a nap while Severus took Serenity for a walk around Hogwarts in a Flying-Stroller my aunt gave me. He told me the whole time she was looking everywhere, attentive to every noise and sound she heard and taking the time to look at every little detail she passed. Then, she took her second nap of the day as the Malfoys came to visit. Draco was so joyful to see his "cousin" for the first time. Narcissa had to admit Serenity was pretty, and she hopes that she will turn out better than me. I snickered at that comment; if she didn't turn out like me, she would be like Severus and his attitude isn't very lady-like either!

Lucius, on the other hand, thinks that I am a totally useless woman, because I didn't have a son first, as an heir. Respecting his pureblood traditions, he thinks it should have been a boy so he could take charge and learn to be a valuable man. Severus and I never thought it was about heirs; we always thought it was about what we wanted. I have to admit, that Severus wanted a boy for an heir, but he isn't upset, and he isn't going to leave for it (like Lucius said). I actually think Severus is happy with a daughter, and I think he prefers it too. Then, they left, Severus and I ate, I feed Serenity and she went to bed. Now we are about to go to bed, since Severus insisted on staying with me tonight. He is sleeping right beside me, like nothing happened, except maybe we'll wake up in the middle of the night for a screaming, but adorable little Serenity of ours ….

Now that I look back at all that I have written since day one, I can't believe my life has changed so drastically. First, I wanted to die and I was full of despair. Now, I am joyful and I have never loved life as much as I love it now. I was left robbed of all my dreams of a perfect life, and I found them back in the arms of a man I never in my wildest dreams thought I could love again. In fact, I never thought I could love again, but I did and it gave me the power to succeed in my life and reach new goals, better goals. I guess you could say I am more optimistic about life and that I want to live it fully and have a new life with Severus, Serenity and the other children we might have.

I am not the only one to have changed either; Severus has grown himself into a better man, getting rid of the bad in his life and trying to replace it by the good that he thought never existed. He accepted many facts of life, which helped us both in our lives and overcame fears. I'm sure if I hadn't decided to get back with him, he would have never done it all and still would be pushing people away from his life. Luckily, my impact on his life made him change in the best ways possible. He might still be grumpy, moody, witty, intelligent, mean, sarcastic and short tempered, but I still love him, and if he changed that, I'm not sure I would like it!

I suppose life has its ups and downs. Nothing ever goes to plan and your childhood dreams turn out to be a little modified. You might not have your handsome prince charming that sweeps you off your feet and showers you with love. You might end up with a man who tried hard to please you, tries to show you his love even if he isn't emotional and might not be as handsome as you wanted. You might not end up with a large family and live a happy and perfect life. Instead you might end up with an unwanted pregnancy that turns into a wanted one, and you might just end up with that one and only child. Your life might not be perfect, fights will come and go and so will not speaking for a week and so on. But, life isn't a fairy tale, you just need to go to hell and back to get it; that is what true happiness is about.


	40. Epilogue: 9 Years Later

Epilogue

Twenty-Ninth of August, 1991

Dear Diary,

Has it already been nine years, during which I haven't written in this little book? I really can't believe it! It seems like only yesterday. I had just delivered Serenity to this world and Severus and I were proud parents. It seems like time flew before me, as Serenity grew up to be a beautiful little girl and Severus and I have never been happier. I suppose if I hadn't lost this diary, I could have written it all down, to see if time really stood still or if it really was like a bird. I don't even remember where I put you, but I found you in my lower drawer that I always look in and found you there lying and waiting to be written in. I guess you disappeared when you weren't needed and came back when I really do need you.

These nine years have been the most wonderful in my life, even with the miscarriages, deaths, fights and scares; it's been wonderful. Little Serenity grew up to look a lot like her father, but still be like me. She has long, straight, black hair and black eyes just like her father, her nose is a little bigger but resembles mine and she has such a mix of personalities. She has Severus' sarcasm, moodiness and short temper, but has my childish, softer and sweet side. She even has Mother's thin-lined mouth and can have the exact same replica of Mother's face when she's mad. It frightens us sometimes! But she is really mature and intelligent for her age, and we are all very proud of her. We can't wait to see how she will do at Hogwarts and in which house she will be sorted.

Severus became the best father I have ever seen, and Serenity took home the title of Daddy's Little Princess easily. He really loves her and showers her with affection and gifts. He tries to still keep his mean reputation to scare the students, but whenever Serenity is around, he's a total sweetheart. He also still is the best husband ever, because he still holds the position and always will. We might have had terrible fights, but we still are together and I still love him. Without him, I don't know what I would do!

I have also grown to be less childish and more mature, because being a mother changes you. It's not as easy as it looks. I still wonder how Mother did it and how her mother did it and so forth. I try my best and even if I cried a few times and almost wanted to abandon my family, I made it because I love Serenity and I love Severus. They both supported me and helped me through those hard times, just like a real family would. Nothing is ever easy in this life, and I learned it the hard way. In other related news, Mother is still the same, with the exception of some white hair here and there and full time glasses. She loves to spend time with Serenity, they both adore each other and when Serenity was younger, she would follow Mother everywhere with her doll in one hand and Mother's hand in the other. Mother was a real help when it came to raising my precious daughter. I really do admire her for her ability to be who she is.

But now, Serenity is nine and it seems that this year, you have come back for a really good reason. This school term looks to be very interesting. Draco is coming to Hogwarts, and he became exactly like his parents, arrogant and rude. Also, Harry Potter is coming here, my little godson that I haven't seen in forever! I'm sure he's all grown up and looks just like his parents! The only thing is that Dumbledore forbade me to tell Harry I'm his godmother until Dumbledore sees that the time is right. Hopefully, Harry won't hate me, and I also hope Serenity and he will become friends. It would just be wonderful! I wonder how Severus will react to Harry … I guess I'll just have to write it down!

_THE END!( I know, FINALLY it's done)_

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This has been a long journey and even though nobody dares to read this story, I have to say thank you to everybody who did read it, reviewed, commented ect. It's my first one ever which I wrote in 6 months and posted in 1 year and a half, so I understand if it sucks lol! Althought it is better then it's previous drafts! Thanks to everybody who supported me, old and new, to my friends especially Alexia Charbonneau and Anya M. for being the best supporters ever, Sam/Barbra for drawing and my new friends from BD for not judging me lol, a certain teacher that shall remain nameless are also to be thanked cough...Mme Beaton thanks so much for your advice! Thanks to any inspiration that ever crossed my head... To my betas, Steph my first ever one! I'm so sorry we've lost contact and you helped me so much during this writing process...I hope you get better SOON! Nathan my big brother, love you a lot and don't what I'd do without you in fanfic land...and British actor land lol! Jaime, my good buddy which I will go vist one day and bring cake! Elizabeth the one who lives right near me and I didn't know! To the people I beta for, Pinneapple Horbay, Dani, Casey and of course Carly! To JK Rowling because without her, what would we all do? Sites to fanfiction because without them we wouldn't be able to write! I think I covered everybody...Hope you enjoyed it and look out for a possible sequel...that's if people want it! 


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